Living My Truth

in blog •  8 months ago

images.jpeg
Each day I have been waking up at around 5 - 6 am with so much anxiety that it's overwhelming. I thought it was because I was nervous about starting a new job - which I am - but it wasn't just because of that. I was clueless as to the real reason, but this morning I finally came to the realization as to why I have so much anxiety. I am not ready to go to Virginia and see my family. Mostly I am not ready to see one family member in particular... my father.

I've mentioned in a previous Blog that we haven't seen or spoken in 10 years, and I am going to see him now because of my brothers wedding. There is some excitement around going to Virginia - I mean I will get to hangout with some family I love dearly whom I haven't seen in a while. So that will be truly wonderful. But I am having to face my fears - rejection. You see I have always tried to hold the exterior of not caring about my father, but the fact of the matter is; I was completely shattered when our relationship fell apart and I still am in a way.

If I were to sit here and try to act like I wasn't affected then not only would I be lying to you but I would also be lying to myself. Which I really can't or won't do anymore. The real and honest truth is I am afraid to be put in a room with a man who made me feel so unwanted. Those were feelings that took a long time to get past and I don't know how I will do facing them head on now.

I don't know if I'll be pleasant or mean to my father. I don't know if I'll cry when I see him. I don't know if he'll even recognize me. Also I don't know what I'll say to him if it comes to that. Over the years I have rehearsed it in my head: I have so many hurtful things lined up but in the moment I don't know if those would even come to mind. The thing is I really honestly think I would just end up telling him... You hurt me more than I thought you or anyone could or would and I am forever broken at the fact that my own father couldn't keep a promise to me. A promise to not forget about me. I am broken that you chose to leave a perfect family for a mediocre one because for whatever reason it was better. Most importantly I am broken that I will always need you and want you in my life even when you don't deserve to be in it.

All I know is this: I have been through so much shit and I can go through more. Although it won't be pleasant I will be able to do it. I have always been able to push myself to do what had to be done and I will continue to do that. Even if I end up hurt it's not going to kill me. Pain is only momentary and I can get through any moment. Right now typing this and facing my truth I know that I can get through it when I realize I am my own inspiration and I will continue to inspire myself as long as I can. Some moments will get rocky but I will wash away my troubles until they smooth away. Just wait and see. Or in your case read.

Keep growing and glowing.

Kat Rae

Authors get paid when people like you upvote their post.
If you enjoyed what you read here, create your account today and start earning FREE STEEM!
Sort Order:  

I hope everything goes well! Just keep your head up. Forgiveness is a fantastic trait to have. You'll be fine. And expressing your emotions is huge, you don't want to be emotionally constipated! I'm glad that you're sharing them here so we can all be here to help if you need us!

Posted using Partiko Android

·

Thanks so much! Love that term - emotionally constipated. Good point!

My sperm donor has the audacity to talk like me not wanting him to be in my life is my fault.

Sorry toxic people need to be ditched. And those hateful words uncoiled say at any time. It won't change the damage done or my mind. Don't just never use his number. Yes I got it. I've always had it and others. The rest of the family has people that know him.

But you do as your heart tells you. Keep the blog up!

And would love to have you on the air on our radioshow.

Keep being you!

Spark up conversation on Discord

k4.jpg

DELEGATE 1 SP with Steemconnect

·

Thank you! I appreciate that. Also what is Discord?!

·
·

It's a voice and text app. We use it to network and talk. Besides the radioshow too! And yeah you are welcome! Love your modeling!

·
·
·

Gotcha! I'll check it out. Thank you!