A Single Dream Mired By Constant Trepidation
If I could do anything for a living I would be a voice actor. For as long as I can remember I've been doing impersonations and altering my voice to do characters in a variety of styles and accents. I feel I've gotten quite good at it, but as confident as I am in my skills I lack any confidence in my ability to sell those skills. It's also quite difficult to find an agency that caters to voice work.
It's not entirely a lack of effort either. I moved half way across Canada to get to Toronto, a city I thought I might have a chance to pursue this one dream of mine. But once I got there, finding myself without a job and eating through my saving fast, I couldn't bring myself to actually contact an agent or look for auditions. I grew more withdrawn closing myself from the world and retreating to easily accessible options, such as my YouTube channel. I had hoped to refine some skills through that channel, particularly in the realm of improv and just speaking more, but I never took a step beyond what I could manage on my own.
I moved back to my hometown of Kelowna in 2015. I went through a few jobs, occasionally kept up with my creative hobbies (writing and video creation) while trying to pay off my debt. Early in 2017, while giving another go at YouTube gaming, I managed to land a VA role for an indie game called Neofeud. Available now on Steam if you want to check it out. It's got a distinct left-wing spin, but if that's not a problem it's a pretty well crafted game.
So now I have a bit of experience. I'm once again unemployed and looking for work, but still can't seem to motivate myself to do what I want. I tend to blame that on my debt and the fear of insecurity when I need to pay things off, but looking back I've always had this problem regardless of my financial situation. I've tried a few recommendations on self-motivation but they haven't gotten me anywhere.
I guess to some extent this is all due to not wanting it enough. I call this a dream, but it's more something I enjoy doing that I think I'm relatively good at. I look at others who have a fire in their eyes for whatever drives them in life. It's a quality I've always admired but never had. To some degree it's an advantage; I don't hold onto any ideal world so I can adapt and change very easily. When the world around me is in chaos I can make sense of it, but when things are consistent I find myself without direction. I've come to recognize this as a part of who I am, but still I long for the long term motivation that escapes me.
We all want what we can't have though, don't we?