Back to Our Regular Program...

Feeling: Lethargic

The pregnancy is really starting to weigh down on my body.

Perhaps it's the way that nature has called mothers to become more vigilant and attentive when creatures are about to have babies that makes us this unable to fall asleep. Or perhaps it'st just because the physiology of the body is changing so much that it's just so dang difficult to get comfortable enough to be properly rested..

Whatever it is, the world still goes on and we have to do what we have to do right?

And that means sending our husbands off to do a regularly scheduled "maintenance training" in the army every once in a few months, even if it does mean having to fend me, my pregnant self, my 2-year old bub and the house and everything.

But moving on, the last 2 weeks have been a bit of a flash for me. At the back of my mind, all that I can think about is how I'm going to manage being on my own without help in the house while my husband is off in the jungle.

I'm still super duper blessed that my mum comes over to help and she's going to be staying the week with me to help lend an extra pair of hands and there are no words that will ever be able to fully express my gratitude towards her for her sacrifice and selflessness in dedicating this time to me and her grand kids...

Not to mention my mum's agreed to act as my confinement nanny (again) when the bub comes around in May this year...

Thank God for her!

That said, it's still different though.

As easily as I can talk with my mum about stuff, she's still my mum and the fact that my husband is also my best friend makes me feel 50 shades of depressed right now.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that we're soul mate and everything, but being together for as long as we have, we've settled into an easy routine - one where we understand each other and work with each other so simply in all the different aspects of life.

Hell, we've more or less even figured out how to have screaming matches with each other in record time so that we can move on and learn from the disagreements that we've had (or at least that's how I'd like to think we've been able to manage our arguments).

At the end of the day, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think I can imagine what life would be for myself if I had to learn how to go it alone without help, especially help from my partner.

I have a couple of friends who've recently been going through the bumpy road of getting a divorce and for various reasons. it's never about the kids though. Always about how the parents are unable to get along to the point that it would be a better scenario for themselves to erase a person from the equation and take on the mantle of handling things on their own.

I've always said that sometimes it's just easier to get things done yourself - you'll have greater control and management and especially when (like me) you overthink things a LOT, you're pretty set in the ways that you want your kids to be raised.

If you can't find a partner who can agree with how you want your kids raised, or worse - that the other party just doesn't seem arsed enough to care how their kids are raised, then what choice left is there?

The only issue would be how the kids would adapt to a change in their immediate circle of familiarity when one person suddenly becomes an outcast...

I mean, I grew up in a single-parent family because my dad passed away when I was young and I see the toll that it took on my mum.

Yes, she got stronger and learnt how to handle so many things on her own to make sure that me and my brother were given the very best possible life on a single-income and limited resources. But that hardness that comes from having only yourself to rely on isn't something that goes away easily and I find that up to now, it's hard to speak with her about personal issues that require serious thought and discussion before a decision is made because she is so used to having to make those decisions on her own.

It's not a bad thing, but wouldn't it be lovely to have someone around that you can confide in and trust with all of these big life questions?

Sometimes when it comes down to it, everybody has insecurities that they don't wish to open up about and share with people about. Not even your BFF needs to know about your deepest and darkest worries.

I know that I worry how someone might react when I tell them how I truly feel about some things. Not as bad as having a secret wish to be a murderer or corrupt politician of course, but thoughts that I think would be better left unshared...

But being able to let go of the things that weight heavily on your mind every once in a while is important.

Especially for me.

I'm the kind of person who would explode if I didn't find an outlet to vent about this person that I saw, or that article that I found interesting... I find myself spotting numerous things in a day that reminds me of something that the hubs might like to read or find out about and I get frustrated when I have to keep my thoughts to myself.

I guess what I'm trying is that one should never take the people around them for granted.

Surrounding yourself with people who you love and trust is such an important key to living a well-rounded and adjusted life.

Despite how depressed and stressed I feel about the coming 2 weeks, I know that it's only a temporary discomfort and things will be alright once our schedule is back to norm.

So I'm going to be looking on the bright side for this time at least - I need to make something more out of my situation rather than getting worried and anxious about having to manage things on my own.

Heaven knows I'm blessed enough that this is only a temporary fix rather than a more permanent issue to deal with in the long run. After ll, we have internet, there are video calls and Whatsapp chats to keep us connected through it all and at the end of the day, God will be my strength after all right?

In any case, it's a good opportunity to bond with my mum while she stays over with us for the week and a half - bring the bub out with his grandma for weekend outings rather than staying at home and moping, and really investing myself into these last few months that I have with my son as an only child :)

We'll see what comes. Wish me luck!

Forging ahead,
Jessica

Copied from my blog as it is posted: https://alot2thinkabout.wordpress.com/