Reporting from the field: acting

It's ups and downs, and it's tempting to not acknowledge the downs, because in the long term, they're just bumps, and dwelling on them will only make them stronger...

That might be true, but I will nonetheless mention them so that I can feel like I'm being honest to you about what it feels like to be an actor.
(Note: upon re-reading this, it might have little to do with being an actor, though I'd contend that much of it is exacerbated by the business of show)
There's a lot of control I feel like I can exert over my emotions. It's a nice perk of the business, though I suppose there are actors who'd disagree. I feel like I can be happy if I choose to be, though.

That said, even when I'm choosing to be happy, sometimes little things intrude. ...sometimes, I say, but it's really all the time. But sometimes they intrude more forcefully or at more frequent intervals, and that can leave me feeling tired, which in turn makes it harder to guide myself through the world in ways that'll give me more to draw on when choosing happiness.

The past two weeks have felt hard. And it comes right on the tail of feeling like everything was going well, but unfortunately, it feels like the all the good stuff is sand on a solid rock foundation of inadequacy. And I know that's not, like, 100% true, but it feels like that. Like good things come to me by accident, or because someone mistakenly took me for better than I am. That they saw one show, and believed that I was good, but really, I just was accidentally okay that once and they extrapolated.

Yes, I know all about that ... what is it? Just a sec... googling... imposter syndrome. Or maybe I am. Classic imposter syndrome.

Or maybe I am.

Anyways, I am relatively healthy. I have some annoying dental stuff happening. A filling isn't fitted correctly, and I feel yucky about dentistry. And I know I'm not inherently bad. Really I fear I am mediocre, and I know I need to be great in order to have a chance at what I want.

Blah, should I share this with the blockchain? I dunno. But at least it's real. It was nice to talk it out. I hadn't thought much about imposter syndrome. Am I jumping the gun with that? Maybe I am actually not an expert. I guess it's not me exactly. I don't fear being unmasked - (I only read the first five paragraphs). I think I have been unmasked, but people are just being nice to me about it, because the stakes aren't that high, and I have other things to offer.

:P

I'm fine. My life is good, and if I'm just mediocre, well, that's why I keep at it. It's not like I can't get better as I age, like a fine wine.

Like a fine whine.

Also, it's bedtime.

But what are the things? Oh, just feeling like I did a bad job at my job of acting or feeling like I don't have a good perspective on how good I am, because when I thought I did a good job, I don't get the thing, or lots of little not-wins that it's hard to perceive as being broken up by wins (script lost, auditions lost, not invited to audition, less successful in class than I want to be...etc.) or wondering if

if

if people like me. But they do. It's not logical to believe otherwise.

Wow. These are happening all the time in my brain, and I don't talk about it much.