It looks like I got totally addicted to drugs. I realize I’m inflicting self-harm, it’s not doing me any good but I can’t stop.
I’m 30 years old, single, jobless, college dropout. It seems like there is no hope for me left. I tried doing some odd jobs, but I just couldn’t continue, I wake up every day at around 3pm, as soon as I wake up I take those shitty pills which I’m so much addictive to. I don’t have much friends, I do chat with random people online, most of the time I’m all alone spending my time doing no productive work.
I once dated a girl, I was seriously in love with her, but she couldn’t cope up with me, and I know it’s my fault. This seems weird writing such things about me and publishing it online, but this is who I’m.
I don’t sleep at night, more like I can’t sleep, my sleeping pattern have been totally altered, and usually I would sleep at 8am and wake up during the noon. I would eat at my granny’s place. And I would rely on my mother for financial support. My father died last year. When I think about it, I know I’m one big scum, a parasite in human form, leeching on others.
I want to change myself, I want to become like a normal person, and I don’t like this version of myself. I absolutely hate it.
I can’t actually tell what a normal person is like, but I want to become someone who is not addicted to some substance, can get up on my own feet, rely on myself, and take care of others. I want to become a person that people would feel proud of me, my mother would one day feel proud that I’m her son, my friends who all left me would someday proudly say they are (were) my friends.
I don’t actually have a place which I could call it home, but someday I want to find a place where I can truly belong.
This is going to be one hell of a hard journey, but starting today I want to take small steps and change myself bit by bit.
Some people have suggested me to go to a rehab, but I’m not so sure about that yet, but I will consider all the options which could help me. Right now, I’m someone who is seeking help, it could be anyone, and any type of advice, help, and consultations will be highly appreciated.
With love @ero-sensei
Photo reference: google images.