So many of us are right there with you, maybe not to the point of a backpack but definitely where do I go now feeling? I wonder what that means, because I've been trying to figure this one out for months. Thankfully you have gone far and seem to be moving right along. It all seems to be a bit jumbled as far as messages and nothing being real "clear cut." All in all I'm sure you will find your footing, if you have lived the way you have for this long you will be just fine.
Blessings Brother,
Eagle Spirit

PS. That darkness, is no fun and pulling your self out of it is certainly the place to be. We know who they are and there will come a time they will come into judgment. Big Hugs.