Pre-second child Reflection. [writing] being a parent with depression.

Like hunger pangs, my stomach crawls. Nerves of putty, sweaty palms as everu day passes and the baby waits to show her face, i contemplate my mistakes, my goals and my faults.

I’ve had depression since the divorce of my parents when I was 8, it got worse as i grew into my teens, I graduated but i floated through school in a daze of sadness and insomnia.

Having felt this way for so many years, i actually thought the world was a pretty aweful place. I questioned whether or not i should ever have kids, even though for me its been something ive truly wanted to do since i was 14 years old.

Now that i’ve made my children im not looking back, I know I need to show compassion, education, and all the essentials to make sure my kids don't fizzle into depression themselves.
To do that, i have to actually give them attention, unlike alot of the parents of the generation im from.

T.v is not an educational tool for infants or toddlers. Only we as parents can be the educational example that they need to succeed and to be emotionally down is something I cant do.
They need to know how to laugh off the hard stuff, know that with effort and hard work no matter how intelligent you are you will succeed. The fact is, were at a precious moment in history. We have the ability to advance mentally as a species, but also develop new ways to understand and promote love within each other.
I want a world where no child is left behind to be sad and alone. I want every child to have an equal opportunity to get a good education. I want the world to work together to hold accountable the services that lookafter the children who end up in their care.
Doesn’t it keep you awake at night? Knowing that Millions and even billions of people world-wide cant meet their basic needs?
Im usually the first to shutdown my first world bias.we must try to Remember that life is all about working hard for what you want.
Depression on the other hand tells me im worthless, that i’ll die before i ever succeed. So my brain tells me i should just get it over with and avoid the pain.
Thats what depression is for me. Its pain, its debilitating, it literally is like losing your vitality and replacing it with lethargy and gray.
I wouldnt wish this on the worst of humanity. It’s something we all have to understand, as someone who works hard to fight through it, ive let myself sink i to it, i can now spot it pretty far off. Often the people in the depression seem lazy or uniterested, but when you wake up feeling more tired than when you went to bed and everything feels like its weighing on you, it really can seem a dysphoric soul crushing experience just to get out of bed and have a shower. Let alone turn a light on and begin your day.
I found when my depression goes into really bad episodes, I avoid moving, direct sunlight, water, fibre minerals and only want sugar and carbs.
I find when i consume to much sugar aswell that my ssri’s arent as effective at leeling out my mood swings.
So in order to avoid being a grumpy dad as my kids get older i need to start cutting sugar completely out of my diet and start eating more leafy greens.
Remember though, for me to think that is one thing, in practice with depression making a healthy meal may seem more daunting than climbing mount everest.
I feel if the basic needs of every human was met, bare minimum we’d reduce global depression substantially and more people would be able to get out of bed in the morning feeling inspired to go out and be a part of this big beautiful globe.
My intense love for humanity is what pulled me through in years where I thought the world wasnt worth living in. My lack of wanting to dissapoint the people who raised me with love.
The people id lose the chance to love. Missing out on seeing the birth of my children.
Depression is the scariest experience of my life and i hope someday through compassion and knowledge we can reduce the amount of depression and anxiety that exists today.
How do we do this? Wealth distribution.

If I want to promote decentralization of wealth and the accountability and transparency of our monetary, social and democratic systems.
Working towards a world where if someone in a position of power tries to abuse it, our ability to spot and punish such violation would be as fast as the blockchain itself. Our world needs decentralization, we NEED cryptocurrency and blockchain to move into a sustainable future for mankind. the p2p world economy. Ensuring everyone has a fun and safe life thats meaningful and full of wonder.
Come join me on my discord!
https://discord.gg/8geDfNx

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Shoutout to my homie Molly @mollythegreat for finally coming to steemit!
https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@mollythegreat/i-m-molly-steemit-minnow-introduction-and-verification