5:55 AM, nope it's 7:11 AM or is it 7:45 AM?!
Can't sleep at night, and less in the day now at the one month straight mark, of workers fixing stuff in an upper floor and a very small coffee shop beside, works that should be done at most in 2 weeks (I've worked in construction when I was younger, at 13, 14, 15, 17, and after too many near death situations decided that it was not worth it..)..I think I've messed the scheduling of a couple of posts at @SteemAuto app, or maybe not, I can't really think straight and the only thing I know for sure is that I'm worried with other humans that I love and have a lot of mixed feelings for not being able to help, have had an amazing set of interactions with some amazing Steemians (it helped a bit to at least got through another night), and I can only hope that today there are no workers in the building I live, nor the building right beside..Some of the neighbours already called the cops but I think that it didn't solved anything..I need care, need to disappear for a long time and at the same time I need to keep on to achieve something, to at least have a few decent years of life without this sheer mundane prisons to money, materialism, to ego, to false premisses, to everything that doesn't really matter, to leave something to my kids if for some magic reason they want, to help my mother, maybe some friends..
Can't even meditate without being invaded by thoughts of other people around, that have shit for brains, I want to help others but can't help myself at this point, I need..I don't know what I need any more but I gotta do something, because I didn't felt utterly confused as this for quite a while now, and I am probably rambling too much..I'm honestly lost, tired, without strength to do anything but the house doesn't clean itself, food doesn't cook itself, clothes doesn't wash.. I feel alone and tell other people they are not alone, I've become an hypocrite, or maybe not I don't really know
·Riverside · Out of Myself (Full Album)"After"I can't take anymoreI can't breathe
I'm sick of this goddamn darkness
Sick of sadness and tears I throw it all up every single day
Together with last night's dinnerI have lost myself completely
I have convinced myself I am someone elseFor God's sake
I need to be real
I need touch
I need... people?I have to turn my life around..But.. I will still be myself, won't I?.."Volte-Face"I've spent all my previous life
Waiting for something else to start
Now I see that I have felt so numb
To everything that passed me by
Passed me byNeed to go land on my own two feet
Need to change my life this way
Need to free my mind of memories
Watch them how they screw my brainThe time that has come
Convinced what I feel inside
In darkness I float
How far is the light?The time that has come
Convinced what I feel inside
In darkness I float
How far is the light?!
How far is the light?! (light, light, light...)Inside - fearland
Don't want you to know
Outside - fearless
I do want you to watch
Do you mind?Would you step aside, make way for me?
Can't you see I'm dead set on doing this?
Enough of dreamless nights
Enough of sleepless nights
I'm the way I am
Get out of my sight
Do you mind?!You can put me in the lion's cage
You can take my soul, give a second name
But I don't intend to stop my fight
And I'm not afraid
Not afraid!
I'm not afraid!"Conceiving You"I've been watching you
Waiting for the right
Moment to make
The first move
Do you wanna know why I keep avoiding your eyes
And why I'm running away?
It's crazy, I knowI've been conceiving you for too longOr maybe I'm destined to be alone
Or maybe there's someone who
Will understand
That I'm not able to share my world
I'm still running away
It's crazy, I knowI've been conceiving you for too long
If only I could change all things aroundStill conceiving you
All along
Still conceiving youI've been conceiving you for too long
If only I could change all things around
I've been conceiving you for too long
I've grown used to thatStill conceiving you
All along
Still conceiving you
All alongStill conceiving you
Still conceiving you
Still conceiving you
Still conceiving you"Second Life Syndrome"Part One - From Hand To MouthFrom day to day
From hand to mouth
We're turning around
Vicious ritualGetting used to it all
Falling down again
We're waiting for
The decrees of providenceI don't want to waste
Any more of my life
Live from day to day
Live from hand to mouthFacing the light
I brush aside your plans
I'm going to have
It all my own wayAnd when that all shattered I felt I'd broken my fall
Couldn't pretend that I felt strong about us anymore
Without your help I finally started to live my own life
I just want you to know this time
I just want you to know this timeAnd when that all shattered I felt I'd broken my fall
Couldn't pretend that I felt strong about us anymore
Without your help I finally started to live my own life
I just want you to know this timeI just want to feel
Your sigh on my neck
Want to feel your breath
Feel your need to stay
You don't know my name
Don't know my face
Only thoughts I share
In my secret placePart Two - Secret ExhibitionSecret exhibition
Cure for loneliness
I've ground to a halt
There's no turning back
You know there are things I just can't forget
You've helped me so much
To learn to be detachedBut when that all shattered I felt I'd broken my fall
Couldn't pretend that I felt strong about us anymore
Without that help I finally started to live my own life
And I know I don't need you nowSecret exhibition
Cure for loneliness
Life is much too short
To be whiled away with tears
Secret exhibition
Cure for loneliness
I erase you now
I don't need you now
I erase you now
With all of my pastPart Three - Vicious Ritual (Instrumental)"Artificial Smile"Hi my friend
Shake my hand
Tell your lie
With your artificial smile
Don't be mad
I just want to help you
To say these words out loudI don't like you 'cause they like you
I hate you 'cause they love you
I wish you ill 'cause they wish you well
I'm so happy when they f youStrike a blow
For my fall
Crush me down
And just say these words out loud
And just say these words out loudI don't like you 'cause they like you
I hate you 'cause they love you
I wish you ill 'cause they wish you well
I'm so happy when they f you!And this is what we do
And this is who we are
Why don't you want to stop?
You always see my life up against your life
My life up against your life
OhI don't like you 'cause they like you
I hate you 'cause they love you
I wish you ill 'cause they wish you well
I'm so happy when they f you!Tell me your lie.."I Turned You Down"I turned you down so hastily
And it's tearing me apart
In my heart of hearts I'm screaming
In my heart of hearts I cry
And it's cold
So coldI turned you down
Oh, I turned you down so thoughtlessly
And it's tearing me apart
In my heart of hearts I'm screaming
In my heart of hearts I cry
How, I wish you told me thatI wish you'd told me that before
I wish you'd told me that before
I wish you'd told me that before
I turned you down(Down, down, down
I turned you...)(I wish you'd told me that before)I wish you'd told me that before
I wish you'd told me that before
I wish you'd told me that before"Reality Dream III"(Instrumental)"Dance With The Shadow"Pull myself together - holding on
Standing at the point of no return
Keeping on the right side of my heart
And the moment of truth
Is falling on me nowI don't care if what I want is written in my eyes
You can think of me what you feel
I don't really mind
How about laughing at my habits at my needs
I'm afraid I'll stay unmoved
Know I have to beBefore you come and tell me who I am
Before you try to make me someone else
Step out of your line
Out of line
Step out of your lineI don't care if what I want is written in my eyes
You can think of me what you feel
I don't really mind
How about spitting venom in my face again
I'm afraid I'll stay unmoved
You just waste your breathBefore you come and tell me who I am
Before you try to make me someone else
Step out of your line!
Step out of line!Shall we dance my friend?Join in the shadow dance
Join in the shadow dance
Join in the shadow dance
Join in the shadow danceI'm standing on the edge, about to fall
In the middle of the point of no return
Trying to forget those days I failed to act
I'm not going to back out, I've come too far
I've come too farI'm standing on the edge, about to fall
In the middle of the point of no return
Trying to forget those days I failed to act
I'm not going to back out, I've come too farI can almost see the light, feel its warmth
And touch the moment I was waiting for so long
I carried all before me, now
The die is cast
With open arms I'm standing out
Against my past"Before"I've become resistant to myself
To my weaknesses and pain
I've become the one who wants to live
And just feel alive againI've changed
Myself
I've changed
I've changed
Myself
I've changedI've become addicted to being strong
Started out my second life
And the remnants of your tears and smiles
Shift deleted from my mindWithout
Knowing how it hurts
I feel safe
Without
Knowing how it hurts
I feel safeIs this
What I
Really
Wanted?
Is this
What I
Really
Wanted?Without..
Without..
May be I finished reading, may be not? Totally skipped the 2nd half the wall of italic text 😂
Posted using Partiko Android
heh, You don't need to read it, thou I appreciate You checking my rant or whatever this post is, I've took a shower and tried to calm my mind, to no avail but am more lucid now, a bit more sad too but, what can one do? Decided to finish painting a fidget spinner and it is getting to what I've envisioned in the first place, don't really know how, guess it has to be that way x)..
Thank You for checking this and for commenting ;) Have a great day (I'll try not to become insane meanwhile :P )!!