My Mom Nearly Ruined My Marriage
My mom is a hopeless romantic who watches black-and-white movies about people who fall in love and get married three days after they meet. She thinks you should be head over heels with a man or it isn't even worth bothering. She is 55 and divorced. She has a terrible time dating because of her romantic notions. I tried to explain to her that at her age, she should be looking for compatibility and stability. No one is good-looking at 60, and if they are, they want someone who is 30.
I have been married for over a year. I have a 1-year-old daughter and one on the way. My mom came to stay with me for the holidays and made me watch "It's a Wonderful Life" twice. She is unsure about my marriage and makes sly comments about it. She keeps saying things like, "When you get divorced ...." She thinks I'm not in love, and she isn't thrilled that I'm pregnant again because she thinks that I will be a single mother with two babies.
The more she filled my head with these ideas, the more I started to believe her. I knew I was in love with my husband, but I also married for practical reasons (as many women in my generation do). I knew my husband would be a good provider and a good father; we are compatible and good friends ... and I was over 30.
My grandmother always told me to marry a man who loves you more than you love him. I explained this to my mom. She responded that no one had ever taught her how to date, so she married the first man that she met -- and now she is paying for it. Her old-fashioned ways aren't translating so well to 2010.
But her snarky words about my husband got me worried. Was she seeing something I wasn't? Was I in a bad marriage? I loved him, but the sparks have fizzled. Still, doesn't that happen to everyone? Isn't marriage about companionship? I got truly scared that my marriage was in trouble and that I would have to leave with a 1-year-old and another in the womb. I didn't want to be in a unhealthy marriage.
It then occurred to me that while there had been an initial attraction to my husband, the real reasons I chose him -- the fundamentals -- are still there. Our relationship may not be romantic, and it may be way too pragmatic. But my parents divorced, and I wanted to ensure a stable future so I chose someone who could give me that. I made a mental list of all the guys I dated before my husband, and none of them would have been a better partner. I realized that, had I not married my spouse, I would still be alone and childless.
And that is exactly where I don't want to be.