What I Learned From the Seemingly Arbitrary Task of Decorating My Home

You have to understand that for five years my home has felt more like a prison sentence than a home. That's not entirely true. We bought this home because it was incredibly cheap. It felt like complete freedom. The payments were so cheap that it allows us to do whatever we want in life. And we are following our dreams. We don't have to work "jobs" for other people. And I absolutely cherish that feeling. At the same time, this house doesn't really meet our needs. Since I sell vintage clothes on etsy, we need much more room. I dream of a nice big space that I can organize and display all my books. A nice big closet for my immense wardrobe. A room just for meditating. A real home. Which is something I've never experienced before since my parents moved a lot when I was a kid and my husband and I have moved a lot, too.

This house felt like an impossible trap. When we moved all our things in here it became clear that we were fucked. How in the hellllll could I possible organize all this stuff? Packing materials stacked in the "living room." Mannequins shoved in corners. My wardrobe bulging out of every space. My husband became miserable trapped among all the inventory that both gave us freedom to work for ourselves and trapped us in our own home. We couldn't have people over. No way. No room for plants that make a space feel alive. We were so cramped and felt so overwhelmed that we never even did our moving in deep clean that we do in a new home. Instead, I just immediately started dreaming of a new better home. A HUGE home. I dreamed about what the yard would look like, my closet. How many fireplaces. A guest room. And I was very frustrated that I wasn't getting there. It felt so difficult to get there. Almost six years have passed.

Slowly but surely I've been able to get a handle on this space. I can consolidate this. I can stack things this way.

I started drawing cards that said "order. order. order. order. order. order." And this terrified me. It really actually did. The thought of order felt... boring. Is that odd? My space was like my mind. Chaos. So much to be done. All the time. This is significant because as a child I was bored a lot. I was an only child. I lived in a boring town in Wisconsin. And I watched a shit-ton of tv. I didn't know I was bored because I didn't know anything different. But now when I start to feel even the slightest tinge of boredom I freak out. And I think it may actually be my very least favorite feeling in the world. When my husband met me he was utterly astounded that I had absolutely NO hobbies. I had no idea how to even have a hobby or what one would even do. So, you see, the chaos I think always gave me something to do. How could I feel bored if there was SO much going on everywhere? So I ALWAYS felt overwhelmed. There was ALWAYS shit that needed doing. Dishes needed to be done, there were clothes stacked on top of the dryer, clothes needed to be mended for my shop, and as a business owner, your work is never done. There's always MORE you can do. And that was most important. I focused there to try to get out of this house and into my dream one.

But one day when I drew "order," I got a message that dropped into my mind: what if order isn't something I have to figure out and work really hard at? What if it's something I receive? The words don't make any sense, I know. But they felt really good to me. And I started to play with what order would feel like. I just tapped into the feeling. Sometimes it would freak me out after three or four seconds, so I would just stop. And the next time maybe it would feel good for a little while. Relief. Having people over to my house. One day I really got rolling with this visualization when friends would have to come take care of our dog, Rufus, while we were away.

So one day I decided that I was going to TRY hanging a curtain rod in my bedroom. The walls are that weird fake wood from the 70s, and I perceived that I couldn't get a screw or a nail in there. Bam. It went right in there. And this lovely yellow velour curtain hanging in my bedroom window.... it made all the difference. It transformed my bedroom to me. Now when the light comes in here it has a yellow tint. And yellow is my favorite color. It doesn't look thrown together and raggedy. It looks proper. And yellow. 🙂 It's not just that the window looks better. It's that for five years I BELIEVED that I couldn't hang a freaking curtain rod there!! And it was the easiest thing in the world! I didn't even try! Well if I could put screws in the wall for a curtain rod, now I could hang pictures where I want to! I could dig out all of the very lovely decorations I had in my last house and have started acquiring for my dream home. And I could plan. I could PLAN this space! I could choose. It's exhilarating and absolutely joyful. I get to use my creativity. And I just feel into it. I'm taking my time and hanging what feels absolutely right where it feels absolutely right. If it doesn't feel absolutely right I just leave it. And then I notice that something I had been planning turns into something WAY better, and then I KNOW it's right.

One night after digging out these decorations I started to see that I could consolidate more bins and reorganize. That transformed more space and created a lot of open space. In the midst of it there were boxes EVERYWHERE and you couldn't even walk in the room. And this is what I was afraid of when I would think about organizing my space. I just stayed with it, and it all came together PERFECTLY.

So friends, I have a completely transformed space. I feel real JOY about this space. I would feel proud to have friends over to my home. Yes, there's a giant heap of packing materials in my living room blocking the windows. And sewing materials live in the hallway. But it's decorated cute, and I've gotten into the crevices with that deep cleaning. It's a representation of who we are. Just like a house should be. Not fancy. But we did our best with what we do have. And it's not uptight and stuffy. It's fun and eccentric with all the things we love like old VHS tapes. And hundreds of cool books. And yes, I work from my home, and it gives me great joy. It's not what an American home "should" look like. It's not what you see on tv. But it's sweet and full of heart and joy.

So now I have a new BASIS to operate from. I'm coming from a place of order and sweetness and joy instead of chaos. Can it get any bigger than that? This is a life transformation in the biggest sense of the word. And it's so symbolic. Rather than existing in what's in front of me, I have become proactive. I took control.

This way of living is also symbolic of my beliefs about doing what you want in life. I believed deep down, regardless of my studies, that if we were to do what we want in life, there would be sacrifices, and I couldn't have it all. I do believe I just symbolically said fuck you to that belief.

I perceived that I was a prisoner. I perceived that there was nothing I could do, and it was all in my mind. In all the things that I want in my life, this seemed like the hardest. And I was able to do it effortlessly once my beliefs changed and my vibration changed. I didn't go hard at it and do it with my mind and make myself do it. (Which is what I did in the past in this space.) I didn't do it out of drive and ambition and motiviation. I did it completely out of joy and following and allowing. What is RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES and SO EASY but your beliefs prevent you from seeing it? That's how EVERYTHING is. You get to a new place, and it's like, "My God, this was right in front of my face! How did I not see this before?" Your beliefs and your vibration were preventing you from it.