Amirified - The Edge of Desperation - Blog 6

Growing up we all knew that life is hard and it would get harder and that we need to stand after the fall, get punched but stand up again, kicked but stand up again, hit with steel chair but stand up, but those words only inspired us when we're hit once or twice by the dosage of life. What happens when the life goes full Ali and Tyson on you and punch with K.Os repeatedly till standing up is no longer an option? That is what we never asked.

Today I was fired from my job, not the ideal job of course, it's a job that starts at 5 PM and ends at 7 AM as a security guard, 6 days a week, I barely see my family, barely help with my charity, barely meet anyone as the job was consuming my time. In a weird fucked up way I find myself thanking god that I no longer have daughter and a wife to support, whether by money or presence. That's what I call the edge of desperation: It is when you know it's a good thing that you're alone, no one is depending on you to provide, no one needing your love, your presence, your words, and in return you're not provided with theirs. It is in fact the believe that it is okay you're about to fade, because to all you never existed.

The edge of desperation is wishing a rich man's car would hit you paralyzed and to avoid jail they'd pay a large sum of money to actually be able to do something. And maybe, just maybe you'll have people around you, taking care of you. The edge of desperation is when all science proves your existing wrong and that you need a miracle from a god that you slowly lose the belief of. My edge of desperation is knowing that I have 13 days for a miracle to happen so I don't join the people in the streets. It is standing in front of a bank and counting the guards and trying to figure out how to pull a clean robbery, and it is avoiding to look into my niece's eyes as she figures out that I failed her in my attempt to keep her living just like I failed her dead mother. It is leaning my back to a dark wall in a house with no power and sleep standing up and actually having a real big mass of hope that I'll wake up in my bed with my daughter in my arms as I get up to make her breakfast.

In the end I guess, hope and bla bla bla. As I said before I'm here, I'm queer (Kinda) and I ain't going away. I'll be damned if my story ends in suicide, I may not end up in that trending inspirational story video trending on facebook but I'll be good with making one person laugh or have their life touched by me.