Disconnected

I’ve been without a phone for a year and a half now, and with no internet in my house for months. Being without a phone has been an interesting experience. It has forced me to be where I actually am, for example. It has forced me to look up. And it’s been difficult because to be honest, I’ve never been the kind of person to look into another’s eyes. But it doesn’t matter anyway, because what I learned best is that for the most part, they aren’t looking either.

They are all trying to run away too, just like me. We all want to hide. It’s kind of sad to look up to a room full of people and realize that none of them are there. They are in their own virtual world inside their smartphones. They can be talking, we can try to have a conversation even, but they aren’t there. Now it’s funny that at first, being without a phone made me feel disconnected. “I have no contact with the outside world.” (I still feel like that)

Sometimes you can’t even have a conversation. “I’m busy.” “I’m doing something important.” Now, don’t get me wrong; I know many of us work through social network or just in internet stuff, but we have to realize there is a problem if we are trying to hang out with friends, but we spend more time looking at a screen than to their faces, or at least listening and answering back, instead of taking pictures to upload somewhere so people we have never met can see the amazing time we are having.

Your smartphone should be a tool, a way to communicate, not a getaway.

It’s even more surprising how we all create a different personality for our online self. We don’t say the same things irl. It’s easier for some people to be honest online than in their daily lives. It’s easier to be “yourself” with people you’ve never met than with people who surround you. What is this madness? ... An why do I miss it?

There’s many ways to be disconnected from the world (and from yourself.) I tend to isolate. I don’t go out much, I don’t have many friends. The few friends I have live in other countries. It’s not even that I’ve met them online (some of them I have), but because of country issues, most young people have left. So my best friends are not here, and the only way I can talk to them is online. It’s especially hard when I’m having tough moments, because I can’t talk to them, having no way to communicate atm.

I know I’m responsible for my isolation, but obviously sometimes I need someone; all of us do. And most times there’s no one around that understands. Hence the isolation. I prefer to be alone rather than being with people that don’t understand. I think it’s important because I’m a natural asshole, but I don’t want to hurt them.

So it sucks to be disconnected from the real world, and it sucks to be disconnected from the interweb. But I’m so used to my online life, that it hurts me more not having access to internet than not going out ever. Isn’t that sick? I’ve tried to work on that, but I don’t think I’m making much progress, I’m just driving myself crazier.

Having no internet is awful. Obviously, I’m addicted to it too. At least I was. And it was way worse when I was younger. I’ve been trying to heal it for years. I don’t like the sensation of being ignored by the people who surround me, so I’ve worked a lot in being present. And it’s HARD.

So yeah. I miss Steem, I miss the people I’ve met here (HI), I miss writing and posting and stalking all of you. I miss being able to read about whatever I wanted, like… idk, serial killers. From my phone I miss Instagram, having music in my pocket, and my friends.

I thought this was going to be a post about how this generation lives through their phones and how we’ve forgotten the beautiful world outside, abandoning connection with real people who surround us, and how we are not in touch with our true self. But honestly... It’s all bullshit, I miss internet.

I guess I am disconnected from the interweb, but in the meantime, I’ll just try to be connected to the present moment, to the people around me, to their voices, to their eyes. And I’ll try not to hate it all so hard.