BlockchainMemoryProject - Two little children - Part 2
A quick recap, my husband and I responded to a mother’s cry for help when she was abandoned by the father of her children, who happened to be a relative of mine. The Mother who I called Nicky was a drug addict.
We took her children into our home by her request, something I have questioned many times over the years, but we simply could not turn a blind eye to their plight.
Had we left them to their own devices, would the mother or father perhaps have accepted responsibility at some stage? We will never know.
Formal fostering.
Young Jane & Mickey both stayed with us for just over six months when the nursery school principal, a lovely lady, approached me and said she was wanted to look into the possibility of fostering young Jane.
I was horrified as I did not think siblings should be separated, but by this time the strain was showing not only on my health, but also starting to affect my family.
Mickey had started school by this time and was being schooled in his mother tongue, which would be difficult for her family, plus she had two daughters who were great with young Jane. I have two sons and they were more accepting of young Mickey, despite his long fingers.
As mentioned in part one, these two little ones did not do normal naughty things, they did some very disturbing things, some I have not shared here. When they were separated, a kind of calm descended on the household, but as soon as they were together, it was chaotic. Mickey was a terrible tease and would often do things to get young Jane into trouble.
The social workers agreed that separation was not ideal, but this was the only solution under the circumstances, as they could not find suitable foster parents who were willing to foster both children, and we simply could not continue!
As the school principal lived near us, the children would see each other every weekend as well as during the school holidays when young Mickey went to the nursery school for holiday care.
Contact with Nicky gradually dwindled to phone calls, and occasional disturbing visits as her appearance deteriorated from the drug addiction. Survival and the next fix became the centre of her existence.
At this point I must add that her very nice family did not once try to help, perhaps had their fingers burnt over the years, who knows? They lived quite a distance away and kept that distance very well!
Nicky always insisted that she was ok, would not admit that she had a problem.
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A new foster home for Jane.
So young Jane went to live with her new family, really lovely people. She had the love and attention she always craved from her two new big sisters, but they were not her real family.
She would do the most impossible horrendous things at times in her new home, as did young Mickey.
Yet when they got together over weekends and school holidays, they still bickered non stop, as Mickey knew just how to rile Jane.
The father.
Another two years passed and their father suddenly came back into our lives, saying he and the children’s Mom had reconciled and were going to give their marriage another chance.
Of course the children were over the moon; we however were wary as we knew how unreliable he was and were dreading him breaking the children and Nicky’s trust once again.
He drove them to their new home, but even that seemed to be a lie, as they told us they only saw the house from the roadside, could not go into the house for some reason.
There were many stories attached to that supposed move.
By this time, Jane’s foster parents, who had agreed to foster her for a two year period, said that they could not continue as the parents should be taking responsibility again, so this so-called reconciliation seemed to come almost at the right time; but this was far from the truth.
The social workers had also decided that the children’s separation had to stop, and saw this supposed reconciliation as the answer to everyone’s prayers, but we were still very wary.
South African Social Services back then, perhaps still today, try and reunite families despite the parents' circumstances not being good. I believe the authorities sometimes turn a blind eye to the neglect the children suffer as a result of living with dysfunctional parents.
There was a case of abuse in the news recently where a small child died after being physically abused by her parents; there has been many such cases from time to time.
I must stress this was not the case with these children, it simply was neglect!
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Back to square one.
Young Jane moved back into our home as Mother and Father supposedly continued trying to sort out their lives and find a house to move into! Sadly this move did not materialise, nor did the reconciliation last very long.
We were back to where we were some three years ago, but now with two siblings attending different schools and being educated in different languages.
Not that language was any barrier as they were fully bilingual, but the schools were in opposite directions, so getting them to school before work was a nightmare. They both attended after school care and the evening runs were not too bad.
The company I worked for were going through difficulties and scaled us down to working a three day week, quite a dent in one’s pay cheque! This was especially difficult at that time, as we had not budgeted for two school going children with both our own sons attending college.
How did our family as well as the children survive all this trauma?
I miraculously landed a very nice job, but the day before my medical examination, the final step before my appointment; I suffered a massive slipped disc and had to undergo neck surgery.
Fortunately my new employers were understanding and delayed my appointment by one month.
The Children’s Home.
The social workers had been working with the parents and it became clear that they were going to disappoint the children again!
A decision was made to place the children into a children’s home near us; we all had mixed feelings and wondered how the stigma of growing up in the children’s homes would affect these little ones.
But this place had a wonderful reputation, operated a cottage system with a house mother and father who took care of about six to eight children.
So the siblings moved into the same house again, but with new foster parents.
We had mixed feelings ranging from relief as our household could return to normality, as well as deep concern about the children's future, guilt that we could not continue and deep disappointment that their parents let them down again.
Merely a month later, because of their constant bickering which affected the other children in the cottage, the children were placed into separate cottages.
Both children caused problems at school, and respectively were sent to Special Schools or what was known as Schools of Industry back then.
What happened to young Mickey?
Young Mickey was the most observant child ever; would be hardworking, helpful and considerate one day to become the most impossible child later.
He would visit us during school holidays; we both were at work so he would be alone at home during the day; then we learned via the social worker that he was using drugs, so the holiday visits dwindled to when we were on leave.
He was given many opportunities, but threw them all away. Just when it seemed he was finally finding direction, all the carefully laid plans would fall by the wayside for no apparent reason.
He lived and worked with his father for a while after school. Sadly he has gone from one drug to another and we learned that he now is on heroin. He has been on programs to try and kick this habit, but he absconded time and time again.
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What happened to young Jane
Young Jane was sent to a Special School some three hours from where we live; a school friend's family took her under their wings, and we did not hear from her for a long time. We learned that the draw card was her friend’s brother. When she contacted us again, it was to say she had fallen pregnant and now was a mother herself. Of course we were devastated as she still was a mere child herself.
Jane however has proven herself to be a good little mother and now lives with the father of her child, a very kind and steady young man, she is busy building up a life for herself and we are in daily contact via whatsapp, and she visits whenever she comes to town.
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What happened to Nicky?
Nicky ended up being beaten badly by the boyfriend and was hospitalised. She died a sad and lonely death a few days later, her body ravaged by this beating, her addictions and lifestyle.
We only heard of this after her death, when her family contacted us to tell us about her memorial service.
Oddly, I had not seen her for years, but bumped into her just two weeks prior to her death on my way to the office.
The shock at her appearance must have shown on my face, as she patted me on the shoulder saying, I’m really ok, you don’t have to worry about me.
That gesture and seeing her like that really shook me and still haunts me today.
This once pretty, kind and gentle woman wasted to a shrunken little figure because of her addictions.
Did we do the right thing?
I’ve asked myself many times if we made a mistake taking the children into our home, and then not being able to continue. Should we not have fought to keep them with us? That's what my heart tells me.
But my common sense tells me that it was impossible at the time with both of us working as we had to consider our own children, our youngest really felt the strain.
My answer probably lies in the fact that our home is the one constant place they return to from time to time.
Fortunately Jane has settled down with her young family; but Mickey is somewhere else, living his own kind of hell now as a heroin addict; tragically walking the same road as his mother.
Would things have turned out differently if the children had responsible parents from day one?
Yes of course, they both are super talented, Mickey would have excelled at academics and been an excellent cricketer and young Jane could have been a swimming and athletics champion, she had speed like lightning!
I know we should not question, but I cannot understand why irresponsible and unfit parents have babies, yet others who would make super caring parents, cannot conceive?
The future
One thing I believe however, is that one should not allow the past to hold you in its grip.
Let it stay where it belongs, it’s dead and gone, so move on as young Jane has managed to do, and live for the here and now called today!
Not always easy as we are all different, but I do believe that the hurts of yesterday can be overcome with love!
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Thank you for stopping by, please comment, upvote and resteem if you enjoyed my post.
All images property of @lizelle
A very moving story. I think parents (foster parents included) often blame themselves too much. Parenting is an extraordinarily difficult job, and there can be so many complex reasons behind drug addiction and life choices.
Thanks @natubat, you're so right, we always blame ourselves but we have no control over the choices people make. The father of the children is my brother; he chose a totally different path to all his siblings (we were 5 children), almost unbelievable that we grew up with the same set of good values taught by our fabulous parents!
When I was a teenager my sister had a lovely friend who I envied so much because she was beautiful, poised and very confident, with a warm personality. Sadly, she got into a destructive relationship and became a heroin addict. We lost touch with her, but got back in touch recently, and she's a shadow of her former self. She had a lovely family - you never know what goes on behind the scenes, but she's still in close contact with them. Sometimes no matter how much love a family gives, things just go wrong.
On the other hand, I have a close friend who suffered appalling sexual and physical abuse from being a young child. In his teens he made up his mind not to be like his abusers. Although he suffered terrible emotional scars, he refused to take drugs and never drinks alcohol. He is now a wonderful father and a pillar of his local community, as he's launched sports and landscaping projects, in the hope of providing outlets for children who are suffering abuse and neglect. So although good parenting is incredibly important, there are so many other things that can influence the way people grow up. Parental influence, whether positive or negative, is limited.
All very true @natubat, I've seen that happening through the years with other people I've come into contact with!
Us humans are a strange bunch but then as you say there are many factors that play a part.
Really appreciate your feedback :)
Wherever my friend saw it, they did the right thing for that moment if the situation had been another, surely they had them with you that surely was what was written in the book of life
Thank you for that wisdom @andrina xx
Wow such an incredibly sad story that almost brought me to tears many times. I can't even begin to imagine what you all went through. I actually have no words.
Thank you for your kind words @jusipassetti, just sad for what the children went through!
Wow, how do I respond to this.
All I can say is thank you for all you did. You did the best you can.
Sometimes, some things, can not be changed. We can only do what we know
Hi @therneau, you know how to do what you have to do hey! You're right, we cannot foresee tomorrow so we just do the best we can today! Thank you for your words xx
This story is sad but I tell you, friend, you did what your heart told you, things did not go well maybe because of the home they came from because it affects you but you tried to help and that's the important thing
Thank you for your kind comments @jennimorillo, the children were really damaged by what they experienced those first few years of their lives! Sad that we could not change that!
Sad story, hear the story i also feel sad. Past always stands like a mirror we can't easily forget this but we should try to forget this for some times otherwise our sorrow knock again and again.
Very true @msena, we need to do just that!
Addiction is another kind of hell that people don't often understand. Thank you for sharing this @lizelle. I am glad to read this:
I am glad for that because you did what you could with the resources and wisdom you had at the time. Blessings!
Thank you @hope777, I cannot imagine the kind of hell the addicts go through, so sad that they got hooked at all! Really appreciate you stopping by :)
Wow...That had me in tears a couple of times. Like you said we muddle through and do what we can. Such a sad story and a bit familiar.
Drug addiction is a scourge......
Thank you for sharing..
Thank you for your very kind comments @theaverageman, I also believe it is one of the most difficult things to overcome!
It is but it can be done....Agencies usually follow a model that says you have an illness and no control...That's wrong, we all have the ability to control ourselves if we choose. It just requires giving that person back their self respect and dignity. Deny them that and they will never recobver.
Thanks for your answer..
That makes sense, we've always been made to believe otherwise! Every person needs that self respect and dignity, but how can one help someone who has lost that? Thank you @the averageman, appreciate your feedback!
Addiction is such a difficult thing, it causes so much destruction. It was good of you to take the children in but try not to blame yourself for not being able to continue. Sometimes there are no easy answers and all we can do is our best. Thanks so much for sharing!
Thank you for your kind comments @ericvancewalton, so very right, addiction must be one of the most difficult things to overcome!
Cute childrens, @lizelle
Thank you!