Happy Birthday To Me

I am now 41 years old. For a guy who didn't plan on living past 21 I'm doing pretty good. I don't feel any older than I did yesterday, but I have felt really old for a few years now.

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This is my first birthday without my mom. It kinda blows.

Apparently 41 years ago today Roots premiered on TV and mom was all set to watch it. I however, had other plans. For my entire life I heard that story any time my birth was mentioned or if a commercial for Roots came on. I don't think she ever did watch Roots.

I have one birthday wish for anyone who reads this:

If your relationship with family is strained or there is bad blood between you, please make it right. There will come a day when you would be thrilled to hear your mother or father bitch about how you are living your life. You would give anything for their most disapproving look. To hear them nag would be bliss.

Take it from me. I'm stuck in that day.

Me and mom had reconciled over the last few years and I truly believe we were good. But I am haunted. Haunted by years wasted in childish defiance. Haunted by my foolish need to be right. Haunted by precious time with my mom that is forever lost.

I would be wrong about everything. I would be nagged forever. I would listen to a century of lectures about every wrong action. I'd do anything for just one more day to hear her voice.

I'm a spiritual person and I believe that when my life ends I will be reunited with her.

Right now, I don't care.

I just want my mom.