Of Very Large Cats: Part 1.5 ~ My Extra-Big Cougar Adventure~ What If Hollywood Wrote The Ending To My Story ~ Original Photography and Original Rather-Long Story ~

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Hello. Just Pretend I'm A Cougar, Again -- Frrawrr!

_{Still just Li'l Kitty-standing in for me as a Cougar}

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I recently put out a story in response to a post by @generikat, about a run-in I had with a cougar while working in the woods. [@generikats Original Post] My story ended in a certain way, and for those of you that haven't read it yet, I don't want to give anything away here. But the story did come to an end, you may mark my words.

After my post was 'published', @donnadavisart and I had one of our enjoyable, typically longer-than-average discussions via comments about the story. Within this conversive, she wondered aloud what a re-telling might be like, if Hollywood had a go at the ending. Rather than what really transpired. Which greatly piqued my interest. (Most likely their version would be rife with major detriment to my person).

So, WITH further ado, possibly bordering on a LOT of ado, here is the Hollywood-ed version of the end of my original story. Please read on, if so inclined.

My original story post: [A Big Cat Encounter]

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Author's Note: Just some fore-warn-nance...I had a lot of fun with my imaginings here. So, this might get a bit long in the read.

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Typical F.S. Road and Cut-Bank- Similar To Where I Encountered A Huge Cougar

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Whatever You Do, DON'T Run!!

-- OK, How About If I Just SPRINT?!

...I very S-L-O-W-L-Y walked backwards down the road, one foot at a time, around the steep corner. Every step I took in my heavy, 14" logger's boots was torture. The Vibramᵗᵐ heels and thick soles made a MASSIVE scrunch-scrunching sound in the loose gravel, that I was SURE could be heard all the way down in Boise, 182 miles away. It was a slow and excruciatingly stressful trip in reverse. Each moment, I fully expected to see the cougar come bounding around the corner, to take me down like a spindly, 180 pound lunch-Elk.

SO far, so good. I kept backing up, keeping my eyes on that sharp curve in the road as I went.

Slowly, slowly, back up but DON'T trip. Almost there. I could see the green truck out of the corner of my eye, and the giant cougar still had not appeared around the bend in the road, from where we'd first met. What a relief. Evidently it wasn't interested in me. I turned, and started to trot back toward my pickup. Home free, safe at last.

Suddenly, the hairs on the back of my neck sprang to life. My scalp crawled. I felt a huge surge of adrenaline, for no apparent reason at all. Then I heard it, almost imperceptible, but UN-mistakable in the same moment. Soft-padded footfalls in the gravel road behind me. Moving very, very fast. I'd heard cougars were incredibly swift, but had NO idea such a large animal could move THIS rapidly, without making a sound.

I spun around, and that's when the full terror of my situation really hit me. An instant infusion of adrenal-ized, red-hot blood coursed through me. Starting at the base of my spine, rapidly whooshing up my back, flushing my face and ears to a thousand degrees of heat, then continuing north, right out through the top of my head. The cougar was in full stride, headed straight for me, the giant tail still swatting at the mountain air as it ran.

The cat's incredible progress made NO sound, except the muted scud of small stones on the road, clacking together in the powdery dust. The sinewy muscles in the chest and fore-legs were rippling, and the deep yellow eyes showed absolutely NO emotion or action, except for boring a hole, straight through to the very core of my soul.

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By now, I was running as fast as possible toward the truck. Looking back was not an option, only full-tilt sprinting. Even without looking, I could sense the huge cat was gaining ground on me at an alarming rate. Opening the truck door in time would not be possible. I would never make it inside, before being drug down from behind. I'd heard these large lions of the forest jump onto your back, biting you on the neck and head, possibly to end your life by crushing your skull. In which case, I was done for. A death beyond horrible. I needed a Plan B. FAST!

Reaching the truck, I dove into the bed in one leaping, deft move. Rolling as I landed on the hard, washboard steel, I smacked my knee on the the Pulaski/shovel rack as I arched by. I didn't even feel the pain, until later. That's what adrenaline will do for you. Executing a half-assed barrel roll as I landed in the bed, allowed me a quick look up toward the space in the sky that I had just exited.

The cougar was in MID AIR. Evidently timing a jump onto my back as I reached the truck. A heavy thunk rocked the truck. The enormous cat must have missed me as I dove, and the vehicle took the full brunt of the killing leap. The cougar bounced off the side of the truck bed!

Not waiting to see what would happen next, I vaulted head-long over the far sidewall, knocking the air out of myself as I landed with a dull thud onto the road. Dazed and lying in the gravel for a moment, I turned my head to look past the muffler and tailpipe, to the other side of the truck.

The cougar was half-crouched in the road, staring at me under the truck with a blank look on that enormous, round face. Even in a daze, the expression it emitted was completely without feeling. The only thought on it's mind, obviously, was me. A meal to be taken down and consumed. Temporarily stunned, I knew I only had a moment or two, before the efficient, feline machine sprang back into action.

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Yanking open the passenger door, I dove into the truck, clonking my head and shoulder on the steering wheel as I flew past. SOMEHOW, I managed to spin my long body around on the seat, and pulled the passenger door closed. It slammed shut just in time.

The next moment scared the absolute HOOEY out of me. Much like one of those scary movies late on a Friday night-- the entire body of the cougar suddenly slammed full-force into the window and door I had just closed. The glass of the window held, though small crazes appeared along the edges. I'm sure there was an enormous dent in the side of the door, but I wasn't about to go out and look. The window held, though I have no idea how.

Landing back on the road after the collision, the cougar let out a piercing sound the likes of which I'd never heard in all my days. A combination scream and growl, that I swore centered in the very depth of my bowels, now resting on the seat. That familiar flush of sheer terror ran up my spine again, and out the top of my head like before. Breathing in the cab was becoming very difficult.

I slid over behind the wheel, and fished in my jean's pockets for the vehicle keys.

"PIG'S BUTT!!! "

I slammed my palm on the steering wheel in dis-belief, as I turned to look out the side window. Toward the keys, under the rock, next to the big stump, at the side of the road. The truck keys were where they were SUPPOSED to be, according to standard, woods-worker protocol. On the tire, or hidden somewhere nearby in the woods, so you wouldn't lose them while hiking around the difficult, forested terrain. Or lock yourself out of the truck, umpteen miles from the station. No, you wouldn't want to lose the keys!! Or HAVE THEM ON YOU, WHEN YOU REALLY NEEDED THEM! I was crestfallen. At least I was safe in the truck cab.

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The cougar had disappeared from view during my key-discovery debacle. Maybe it had given up the chase. Leaning back in the seat, I took a moment to catch my breath. The woods were eerily quiet and still. Maybe I was home free. I could wait an hour or two, then make it over to the stump for the keys. The radio in the truck WAS an option, but this part of the forest was notorious for poor coverage. Plus, who would believe me if I DID get through to the office, from this road.

Mulling such a conversation over in my head, and what I would say into the mic, seemed ludicrous at best. "Please help. I'm in my truck, and a huge cougar is sitting outside, and I don't have the keys to the truck. They're under a rock, by a stump. Can someone drive all the way out here, and bring a gun, or something else large, and shoo the cougar away for me? " No, I'd rather not have to live THAT one down for the next few years at work. I once radioed in a wildfire report, that was actually a train, passing through a long snow tunnel.

"But it LOOKED like smoke from a wild fire. I swear! " No, we don't want to go through THAT again. I closed my eyes, to rest and build up the strength and courage for my next big move.

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Suddenly, the truck rocked, and I took a quick glance in the rear-view mirror. The cougar was BACK! Jumping up into the bed of the truck, and now staring at me through the back window with those narrow, calculating, cold-yellow eyes. Turning in the seat, the cat's face was only inches from mine through the glass. The enormous tail, swishing back and forth, kept perfect time with it's heavy breathing. Every exhale made a steamy, circular patch on the back window, as it curled it's upper lip away from the pure white, deadly canine teeth. The blood in my veins turned to pure ice-water.

Breathing correctly got even harder. The cat let out another blood-curdling scream that sounded through the window like thick cloth tearing in half. I closed my eyes, just in time to hear the cat leap up onto the cab, causing the thin metal to dent in and out as it moved toward the front. I couldn't see it, but the monster was obviously walking across the top of the roof! This was nuts. Cougars do not try to get into a truck, to get to a person. They almost always run away, the moment they lay eyes on any adult human being.

KERR-SMACKO. I almost left my own skin. A HUGE paw the size of a catcher's mitt hit the windshield from above. Then another, followed by one after the other. The giant cat was lying on the roof, smacking the windshield like a house cat batting at a mouse in the grass. Incredibly fast, and furious, with UN-toward violence, like only a fast-twitch animal such as a cat is capable. The cougar was trying to break out the glass!!!

And it was beginning to work!

Small cracks appeared in the edges of the broad, curved windshield. Initially along the top edge, but soon radiating down the clear pane in a horizontal stream, like a series of lightning bolts streaking across the sky. The cougar hit the glass over and over. Each blow made a sickeningly dull sound, followed by with the UN-mistakable, splitting-sound of the glass giving way. Much like frozen pond-ice cracking in winter under too much weight.

The windshield was yielding very rapidly to the violence. Another few hits, and the big cat would be completely through, able to reach into the cab and pull me out. Or come in! I wasn't sure which would be worse. Either way, it would be a very ugly end to what had started out as a nice day.

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I was fast running out of options. I looked around for something, ANYTHING I could use as a weapon. Rummaging under the seat, I felt around for whatever object might second as a club or knife. Plastic snow scraper, chains for the rear tires, someone's long-lost Aladdin thermos top, a few old candy bar wrappers. Tire iron? No. It's in the outside toolbox. Across from the best weapon in the truck, the ultra-sharp Pulaski. NOTHING of any use was within reach, as a good defense against the huge cat coming in through my windshield at any moment.

Fumbling further behind the seat, I felt the fire extinguisher with my right hand. And it suddenly dawned on me. All those safety meetings we have on the first Monday of every month. Of course, the FIRE EXTINGUISHER!! The ones 'F' modifies for us, in the warehouse on Saturdays. At least those of us that fully believe in him. Good old 'F' --our lower-rung government agency version of the famous 'Q' -- of Her Majesty's Secret Intelligence Service. Good old Frank, always monkey-wrenching our work tools or other gear, to make them more efficient, or multi-purposed for the job at hand.

Such as his homemade electro-shocker harness for heavy stream work, or our nifty spare tire 'lifts', to help get the 85+ pound spares on and off the underside of the truck bed. Or MORE importantly today, the Small Fire/Big Bear Extinguisher. The idea everyone made a raft of jokes about, a few months back on a Monday. When he announced his brilliant new scheme in the safety meeting. "Yeah, right F. The old fire extinguisher/ bear-spray canister, all in one. Bond, forester Bond! " The laughter went on for what seemed like minutes. I felt a bit sorry for him, even though it DID seem like an odd idea at the time. But I had him craft me one for my truck anyway. You never know...

And now? "Good old 'F'! You and your wacky, wild imagination and Macgyver toolbox-ways. If I get out of this pickle in once piece, I'll buy you a chicken-fried steak at Macy Mae's Do Drop Inn Cafe, down in Lucile. WITH biscuits and gravy. And an WHOLE apple pie with whipped cream on top."

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A hideous sound brought me back to reality. One more hit, and the windshield finally gave way, imploding into the truck with a spray of small, triangular shards of glass. I yanked the fire extinguisher out of it's quick-release holder, flipped the green tab from 'Fire' to 'Bear', and aimed it at the giant hole where the windshield used to be. I slammed the lever down, just as the cougar took a massive swipe at me from out on the hood.

The enormous paw with raking claws caught me on the side of the head, just as the extinguisher cut loose. The cat must have grazed the steering wheel or some other part of the cab, because my head was still relatively intact after the blow. Though I could not see through all the blood pouring out from my scalp. But I could easily HEAR the cougar, screaming from atop the hood. It sounded REALLY pissed.

The acrid smell of pepper spray and sweaty cougar whooshed back into the cab, robbing me of the last of the precious air I sorely needed for battle. The huge cat emitted an even scarier sound, a combination of pain and other-worldly rage. So I hit the fire extinguisher paddle again. Nothing happened this time. I must have shot the whole thing in one load out through the void where the windshield used to be.

The thin metal of the hood made a 'donk-donking' sound, as the enormous cat jumped about doing something. I could not see a thing. WHAT was it doing? Suddenly, large, dark circles appeared before my eyes, then started to grow smaller, consuming any thought of vision, or precious consciousness. Reminded me of the ending to those really old B&W cartoons on Saturday mornings, where the picture reduces down like a camera aperture, and ends in a final pinpoint on the screen. I felt like I was flying backwards at light speed, and the darkness quickly focused down until it became a pinhole of black light. I swooned once, then twice, and everything went completely, stark-black.

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I have no idea what happened to me after that. I DO know, I became local folklore for my fellow forest workers. People talked about me for years to come. The guy that walked up on the largest cougar he'd ever seen, "just to see what it was doing in the road." The stuff those Darwin awards are given out for, when things take a hard, unfortunate left-turn in life. Or that they make horror movies about. And once again, grand discussion fodder for all the forest workers to pass on down and regale one another with, season after field season.

Did I survive? Or was I just another victim of someone's story, gone to Hollywood? I suppose we may never know. At least until the movie comes out, some time later this year.

Stay tuned, and That's All, Folks.

[Roll the credits...]

~ Finto ~

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Thanks for stopping in and viewing the Hollywood version of my tale of a run-in with one of the Big Cats. If you have any thoughts about huge events with bad endings, movie making based on a real story, predatory cats and the questionably smart people that walk up to them to see what's up, or anything else this post reminds you of, please feel free to comment away in the spaces below. I'd love to hear from you.

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Please UPVOTE, COMMENT and FOLLOW if you enjoy my works.

And go to @ddschteinn -- There's a whole lot more...

_{Posted: 06/19/2018 @ 16:15}

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Excerpts From Late-Night Conversations With A Mechanical Cat

Fact Number 78