All Dick Team: Here’s Your Fantasy Baseball Team with a Dick at Every Position

in baseball •  2 years ago

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Thanks to @hanshotfirst @richq11 and @donkeypong for their contributions to this post. Rewards from this post will be used to fund Steemit outreach efforts (I’m sending it to @the-alien so he can make some awesome videos).

Ladies and gentlemen, here it is, by popular request: your all-time baseball All Star Team made up of a bunch of Dicks. What are my qualifications to present this All Dick Team? I cannot hit a baseball, but I have been a card-carrying Richard since birth.

When I was younger, more Richards used the nickname “Dick”. Today, few of us do, because the name comes with a double entendre that yields plenty of laughs (for those of you from other cultures, “dick” refers to the male sexual organ and it also describes someone who acts like a jerk). Who wants to face ridicule when we Richards have such a wealth of other nicknames from which to choose? Rich, Richie, Rick, Ricky, Ricardo, Rico, and just plain Richard, which is my favorite.

daww
Photo: Dick Allen and Wilbur Wood. Source: Chicago White Sox.

From the 1950s to the 1980s (or thereabouts), American Major League Baseball was full of Dicks. Some of them have fun names. Even if your name is Richard, you’re allowed some laughs.

Pitcher

Dick Starr, St. Louis Browns, 1951 (P)
Scouting report: Sounds like a bad porn handle, but this one is safe for work.
starr

Dick Bosman, Oakland Athletics, 1976 (P)
Scouting report: The Boss-man cometh!
boss

Dick Tidrow, Chicago Cubs, 1979 (P)
Scouting report: Was nicknamed “Dirt” for his unkempt appearance.
tid

Dick Drago, Boston Red Sox, 1977 (P)
Scouting report: Was Drago the dragon lady’s husband in Game of Thrones?

Dick Weik, Detroit Tigers, 1954 (P)
Scouting report: No, you’re wrong. Dick Strong!
weik

Wilbur Wood, Chicago White Sox, 1972 (P)
Scouting Report: Watch out for those morning games.
s

Dick Such, Washington Senators, 1970 (P)
Scouting report: He had one major league win.
such

Dick Lines, Washington Senators, 1968 (P)
Scouting report: What are those? Should I call a doctor?
lines

Catcher

Dick Dietz, San Francisco Giants, 1968 (C)
Scouting report: Good initials. Nicknamed “The Mule”.
dietz

Dick Brown, Chicago White Sox, 1960 (C)
Scouting report: There’s a Green on this team, too; they come in all colors.
brown

First Base

Dick Allen, Chicago White Sox, 1961 (1B)
Scouting report: Probably the best power hitter on this team; this guy made some real All Star teams in his day.
allen

Pete La Cock, Chicago Cubs, 1976 (1B)
Scouting report: Last names are fair game also.
lac

Second Base

Dick Green, Kansas City Athletics, 1967 (2B)
Scouting report: When you have a day game after a night game and you pop too many of those pills.
gr

Dick McAuliffe, Boston Red Sox, 1974 (2B)
Scouting report: Dick Mac for short.
mc

Third Base

Dick Kenworthy, New York Mets, 1968 (3B)
Scouting report: Worthy of a spot at the hot corner.
ken

Dick Schofield, California Angels, 1983 (3B/SS)
Scouting report: Played most of his games at Shortstop, but we’ll put him here.
sch

Shortstop

Dick Groat, St. Louis Cardinals, 1963 (SS)
Scouting report: Goat, groan, grow it - pick your pun.
g

Dickie Thon, Philadelphia Phillies, 1980 (SS)
Scouting report: Sadly, a beanball cut short his promising career.
th

Outfield

Dick Sharon, Detroit Tigers/San Diego Padres, 1974 (OF)
Scouting report: No Sharon Stone jokes, please.
s

Dick Kokos, St. Louis Browns/Baltimore Orioles, 1954 (OF)
Scouting report: Depends on how you pronounce it.
k

Johnny Dickshot, Pittsburgh Pirates, 1937 (OF)
Scouting report: His legal name at birth was John Dicksus. Self proclaimed “ugliest man in baseball.”
johnny

Dick Simpson, New York Yankees, 1969 (OF)
Scouting report: He could bag ‘em. Fastest Dick on this list?
simp

Dick Davis, Milwaukee Brewers, 1981 (OF)
Scouting report: Had the distinction of being traded twice for the same player (Wayne Nordhagen).
mb

Rusty Kuntz, Minnesota Twins, 1983 (OF)
Scouting report: “I’d see parents holding their hands over their kids’ ears when I came up to the plate,” he complained, explaining that his last name is supposed to be pronounced like “Koontz”. http://sportsmansdaily.com/thescrum/?p=1846
rusty

Coaching Staff

Dick Sisler, Cincinnati Reds, 1965 (Manager)
Scouting report: So hot he sizzled.
sis

Dick Williams, Montreal Expos, 1977 (Manager)
Scouting report: Won two championships and managed six different teams.
wm

Dick Howser, Kansas City Royals, 1985 (Manager)
Scouting report: Managed KC to its first championship.
how

Dick Pole, Chicago Cubs, 2003 (Pitching Coach)
Scouting report: Classic name, longtime pitcher and coach.
pole

Honorable Team Captains

Dick Butkus, Linebacker, Chicago Bears
b

Dick Felt, Halfback, Boston Patriots
felt

Dick Post, Running Back, San Diego Chargers
post

Dick Versace, Coach, Indiana Pacers
v

Dick Trickle, Race Car Driver, Snickers Ford
trickle

Here’s a video of Dick Trickle smoking at the Winston 500 in Talladega

References: Topps, Fleer, Donruss, Wikipedia.com, and Baseball-Reference.com

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Haha you guys actually made it happen! An all Dick team!

Richard, thanks a lot for the gesture more importantly and for helping out with the outreach. I will make the best ads I can and try to help out expanding the user base as much as we can :)

Fantastic! I love the inclusion of the cards. Poor Dick Weik. His parents clearly hated him

What a bunch of dickheads. Nice job!

Looks like there are a lot of Dicks in Chicago... hey wait a minute!

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You have no idea. It seemed like half the people on this list played for the Pittsburgh Pirates and the other half played for the Chicago White Sox. I had to find cards from some of their other years to balance out the team selections. Those two teams had the most, followed by the Washington Senators and the Cubs.

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I'm a Whitesox fan and I happen to think the their current team president should be in charge of this team... even though his name is Kenny. Because he is a huge dick!

Let's hear it for the All-Dick-Team!