Don't Be Jealous.. but.. Baby!
I have the best infant child in the world.. it's true!
[Look at that smile!]
My kid is better that any other kid in the world.. ever.. period.. exclamation mark!
When other kids drool all over the place, it's disgusting, but my baby's drool is like a fountain of love and rainbows flowing from his cherubic mouth!
Most babies' vomit smells like putrid milk left out in the summer sun for seven days.. not my kid, his upchuck holds a majestic musk like a fine-aged wheel of Roquefort.
Changing diapers might seem like a chore to some, but not to me. No other game could illicit such joy as trying to wipe, lift, turn and fit a squirming bundle of happiness into a fresh pair of pampers without getting doused by a hilariously unintentional golden baby shower. watch out! ha ha haaahhh, you got me again!
[step aside, Einstein]
You think your child is clever? My boy is a bona fide genius! No lie!
I've seen him staring at things..
He's also an expert random pointer.. He will point at something completely arbitrarily without explanation!... mind-blowing!
He's not just limited to pointing, no! He can also HOLD things! Woah. He's held a flaming sword for 3.5 seconds.. That's a Baby World-Record!
While he has yet to expose his prowess at rolling over or crawling, I'm pretty sure he's got standing down pat. He's so smart. He can stand on his own two feet while I'm holding him up! Amazing!
[The concentration of a master sword-handler]
It's pretty much a called game at this point. It's no use trying to compete. All the rest of the babies should retire. There's no catching up to this little angel!
Most babies have annoying high-pitched cries. This tiny gift from above wails a harmonious melody. A tune that's so pleasing, that once you hear it, you'll have to cut your ears off because everything else is grating in comparison.
Hark, I hear his song presently! Indeed, what a present..
Alas, I must go now to answer his call. I'm sorry to have ruined your plainly normal infant with the accolades of my herculean child. Don't be jealous.. it's just the way of the world.
*NOTE: all images used in this posts are property of the author.