confession story #9

Female 20
Kathmandu

"Let me write everything today. The same things i have written in bits and fragments a thousand times crying to myself and tore and thrown imto pieces.

The tiredness of doing nothing, the fear of existence and the feeble and flickering struggle to hold onto faith.

The potion of hope, dreams realised, that was me. The first ray in the life of my parents. Everyone loved me and treasured me like the jewel of their crown. It was all lights until my grandparents dreamt of their greatest fantasy for me to live, be a doctor. I was their pillar of faith and wanted to express themselves through me. Let's justify it maybe, I am still trying to.

Okay, so the little girl was an enigma. The hands that didn't know how to wear the skirt knew how to write the perfect answers. And she was bold. She was told she couldn't dance only to get selected later. She drew and painted. She laid her hands on everything also securing her position with grace and ease.

My teacher told me literature needed me. Be it science or art, she ruled it all. I remember talking to the moon each night and promising to meet it one day. I thanked the sun for rising. The girl that drew cartoons and sang prayers with her mom could also perfectly solve the derivations and integrations.

I had an invisible armour. With sainath as my friend, I knew nothing could affect me and I was right. Even when my classmates bullied me or mocked me out of jealousy, I was a solid forest growing flowers and letting them cherish or make fun of it. I knew I had a shine, I knew i was pure magic.

Life was a fairy tale ride to me.I don't know where things went wrong. Did I get bored of my energy? Nah, maybe the hormones. Or maybe my goodness. Whatever it is ,I feel depressed now.

Bunch of friends parted ways. And me , still unaware of what I wanted to do with my life, sat aimlessly. I knew I had dreams, I had energy, i had hopes.

I knew I loved modern physics , amazed by the miracles of the quantum universe and their demonstration through formulas. I knew I was good at English and Nepali , the unmatchable potential to craft words and deliver them with poise. I knew my heart smiled when I played my fingers on the piano or had colors all over my shirt when I tried to paint. I rejoiced to hold the cricket bat and the badminton racquet. It was fun to sit on the counter and handle daddy's business. The sight of the night sky and the stars in the eyes of the majestic glimpse of the Lord were my source of light. Dancing with mom , learning to cook, trying to make patterns on the fabric , planting flowers, looking with fantasy at the birds and clouds, loving elephants and tigers, getting inspired by the helpfulness of jadoo (the alien ), trying magic spells, craving for litchi all round the year and splashing colored water in holi; this is how I grew and I felt throbbing with life this way. Life was simple, direct something out of the fairytales.

And now, I listen to ""comfortably numb"". Life And reality hit me when I had to choose a career. Damn ,I was good at everything, my soul longed for a whole spectrum of things. How was I supposed to settle for one ?I was the rainbow ,all bright and vibrant , but the world is used to faint colors, a single one.

Oh and I even forgot my life was replanned already. I was supposed to work with the dead bodies, blood, wounds and suffering. Suddenly from the magic and heritage of happiness, I was jolted into the harsh reality that made me believe the world is a sad place. Memorizing the names of medicines and diseases; I knew it was not for me. I knew it was solving the motion of electrons and writing how the color of the dove symbolised justice that got me fulfilled. I wanted to live in the illusion that the world is a beautiful place. I struggled, cried, resisted. Hated myself and everyone else. Questioned everything.
Only to be tagged good for nothing. Only to have my self esteem shattered. Only to have my shield broken.
Now, I got affected by the mean comments of others. I was suddenly worthless and unimportant.

Having completely bruised and destroyed, knowing I couldn't take it anymore, I finally gave up and surrendered. Having wasted a year of my life, having ran away from home and returned And having had myself suicidal and senseless for days, I finally succumbed my happiness to the light in my dad's eyes. I don't know if you call it my cowardice but for me ,it's the greatest sacrifice I did for my grandparents and parents, especially dad.

I cried all night the day I entered the ward for the first time. The smell of the formalin only got me nauseated . The girl who never knew what it was like to be second, failed in the exam. I just waited for classes to get over when i could say ,""another day of mbbs is over.""

I still do the Same , with conscious struggle everyday to keep the voices inside me shut.

I really want to sleep forever and just don't wake up.

Oh and the hostel life, the psychological burden of being bullied , and to add on it, I suddenly became unimportant to someone I dreamt of spending my life with.

The voices inside me sometimes push me to drop this self damaging game rightnow and join bsc physics and write English literature along with helping dad with his business. But the 60 Lakhs rupees of my parents to make me wear that 600 worth of stethoscope after dying each day of 6 years. I don't know how to comment on this.

Sometimes, I think of self harm. My mind is never stable nowadays. I feel sleepy all the time. Wouldn't eat all day only to throw the papaya in the evening and have pizza. I was not like this. I am not this. Exams come and I don't have the least motivation to study.

Mom understands my situation sometimes and she even apologised to me. But dad seems to have no concern. Just sending me into the cage probably set him free.

I don't know how long can I keep going. It's still 5 and half years to go before I get out with the filthy piece of paper that I am gonna give to my dad for making his pickle.

I miss myself now. In my attempt and instincts to give the energy, hopes and courage to everyone, I feel like I have hollowed myself. I feel vacant. Like i am walking in a circle full of demons knowing full well that's it's not the demon I want to deal with.

I don't know who to talk to or go for help. Taking medications for depression at age 20 is probably not a good idea.

I just need peace.
"