The Third Eye Express: A Fictional Ayahuasca Experience

So recently I sought some help after losing my best friend. It came in the form of two pills. They call it pharmahuasca. It's pretty much like extracted ayahuasca without the gross bits. It's a pretty long report. So is this entire write-up fact or fiction? You decide. I'm just telling a story anyway.

8:00 - 9:00 am
Woke up after a 5 hour rest. Excited. Anxious. Effectively the first time preparing for a psychedelic trip with DMT no less - said to be the ultimate kind of trip. Had a good shower, locked the doors, hid all sharp objects, lit some scented candles. Sitting area in living room was a little uncomfortable so I brought out my pillows and comforter. Maybe I’ll need a comforter. Switched all air-conditioners in the living room - 17 degrees C. Rook (my dog) already started slumbering right beside me. Nice.

9:00 am - 10:20 am
Popped the Maoi with some Coke. Rested myself on the sofa, faced-up. The poor ergonomics of the sofa was really shitty for my neck. Found the most optimal position, but still shitty. Reminder to get a better resting spot next time if I’m going to do this again. Shamanic drums on youtube. Pretty good for setting the mood.

40 minutes in at 9:40am - no significant physical effects yet. My virtual sitter Joe told me to wait. Maybe at 10.00 am. Still nothing at 10.00 am. Maybe 10:15 am. Some slight lightheadedness and stomach butterflies developed. Still not what I would consider significant. I woke up from my resting position, maybe the Maoi isn’t lining up my stomach. I sat and allowed gravity do its work. It’s 10:20 am now, whatever, I separated the DMT capsule into two and downed it with Coke. Another gulp of Coke. Okay there’s no turning back. What have I gotten myself into?

10:20 am - 11:45 am (uncertain peak start) - 1.45pm
The shamanic drums were playing relentlessly, building anticipation. What was my intention again other than enjoying the rollercoaster ride? Broad strokes of figuring out what’s really important in my life, and how do I build the kind of future that I want? Bring down the broken capitalist structure. How is Ethereum fitting into all these? Such humanly concerns. But, still important to me.

The lightheadedness gradually built to 11:00 am. Did I hear some fuzzy, crackling sound in my ears? Nice, first time for everything. Time to Know - Be Waltz started playing on my tracklist. My mind was getting kinda hazy as the strings and horns in the music were sending me off into the twilight zone.

I can’t remember which came first - convulsions in my stomach trying to make me puke or the steady force inside my body moving from my torso to upper neck. Maybe it was both at the same time. My mouth salivated inside involuntarily. Some nasty taste. And ancient as well. I don’t know why I thought it was ancient in my mind. It’s as if I’m thinking that the ancient relic in me is activating, awakening. Maybe we were once demigods, partly of the reptilian overlords - if the myths were true. This is how reptilian saliva tastes like. I wouldn’t wanna kiss one.

Rook suddenly looked at me, and he came nearer. This is the second time he rested his entire doginess on my chest. He looked a little dirty, some stripes of darker brown fur covering him. Since when did he look this old? Real or not, still my baby. I hugged that little bugger.

Is it finally happening? I took the comforter to keep warm. The report starts to be very ambiguous from this point, especially the chronology. It feels more like there’s no chronology, maybe it’s everything at the same time.
In any case, I reminded myself to enter the trip with a smile.

As I was contemplating about the geometric uniqueness of my living hall, I started thinking - am I hallucinating? Can I call it that? It’s more like a very strong picture in my mind. A whole other universe inside of me. Part of reality? I tested my vision and ability to control. This is pretty cool. It’s as if my peripheral vision played a great role in changing the image. Close my eyes - this. Open my eyes - that.

My mind drifted off into the yellow lights coming off through the windows. It’s as if it intensified a hundred-fold, my mind amplifying its brightness. Felt a little breezy and dusty. Moroccan jazz fusion on the speakers. I can almost smell the spices in the bazaar. The music sounded so beautiful, tears were flowing forming rivers on my cheeks. I can’t control it. Images of some female model catwalking in an empty store appeared. The window blinds casted long parallel shadows on her. It seemed like a perfect marketing visual - for what I do not know. There were only two tones - neon yellow, and noir black. The visuals repeated as I slowly descended into a deeper daydream.

Here I am looking at a house, more like a hut - isolated, in the middle of a barren desert with bright yellow skies. Seemingly lifeless and deserted, thoughts started forming - “The planet is pretty much unchanging at all times, wear and tear only through the passage of time. Human activities are pretty tiny compared to the vastness of planets, and of galaxies. Yet we are here, occupying this tiny planet with two suns in the sky. What? Is this Earth?”. The sensation of being there was real, as if feeling that Earth had gone through some massive planetary changes. Felt like I was the only one here seeking refuge from the scorch of the twin suns. Back to zero, the desert planet seemed quiet and undisturbed by sentient beings.

Balto from Xenogear's Creid OST started playing. I never experienced sacred geometries, but I experienced something here. Something happy, swirling circles perhaps. I was too into it that I don't remember much, except that when the track ended.. there was a gush of fresh air..

And all of a sudden I pictured a planet-like Earth with its distinct greens and blues, suspended in space. Some funky music was beginning its intro - I can’t recall which track, maybe Summer Time Romance, but it made me imagine a bubble text appearing right beside the planet saying “Crazy motherfucking planet. Welcome.” as if to reinforce the belief that human lives here on Earth are special things across the vast lifelessness of the universe. Here we are, making music, causing dramas - a bunch of nutjobs making the universe a little more interesting.

What I think happened next is much hazier, as my mind got much more fragmented, music becoming more surreal. I think I danced to the beat lying down. The mind scrambling made me felt like I was in several places all at once. There was some kind of zoomy effect thing going on with distinct parallel lines of squeezed images, if that makes sense. I was looking at that hut again, but from a higher altitude. There was this crazy sense of scale and vastness. It’s like looking at a pristine.. crystal clear.. clean even.. kinda landscape with infinite dimensions. Plenty of pillars all around, like a temple of the Roman Greeks. Colors were playing off as if coming from the music. Visual language? I don’t know. There was some kind of of telepathic thing going on. Some voices. It’s like the music is trying to speak to me. Even objects in my mind seemed like they were speaking to me. I wasn't entirely sure. And then - "Listen, learn" - I heard. Shit this is trippy. I’m pretty sure I mumbled something out in person. Not sure what I said.

I was being torn to shreds, or my mind that is. Some looping hyperspeed wormhole travelling thing was going on in all directions zooming in onto atoms that seem to repeat as another universe ad infinitum. It was too overwhelming for my mind, I remember asking myself - will I get out of this? The sense of dread was unmistakable.

There was total silence all of a sudden as things got significantly less brighter. Muted was the word I thought of. Everything seemed to be on pause. I don’t remember any voices speaking to me. But there was some mechanical octopus with one red eye. Its exterior seemed to be of black steel. I don’t know why I called it the Ancient Galactic Administrator at that point. Seemed like someone I know. Probably read it off some scifi novel. It was as large as planets or galaxies - I can’t tell. The feeling of epic vastness was the highlight. The logic part of my mind went absent. It seemed to be a fact that I was dead. That felt certain. Whatever, I thought. What happened next was even more uncertain in terms of its place in the timeline.

The looping hyperspeed wormhole travelling thing continued, but this time, the experience was pretty distinct in its slow-mo effect on certain threads. There were thousands of threads each with different frames of images squeezed and stretched. My mind seemed to be everywhere. I opened my human eyes. Same old yellow bright lights coming off the windows. But this time a feeling of dread as well, as if a large congregation of people was forming outside my house. I think I saw a bunch of shadows standing outside the window. Nosy neighbours? Shit did I shout or something? Someone alerted the cops? I had this terrible sense of shame and embarrassment. What have I done all my life to resort to trying out this substance? Am I a fuck up? Why is my life so messy? Why am I not doing the best that I can like my peers? Climb up the corporate ladder? Make my mum happy? She has been taking care of me for so long. I’m kind of bratty. Used to fault my parents for bringing me into this world. Along the way I have jumped from jobs to jobs, interests to interests, never really finding anything concrete that made me interested enough to latch on to. I am not money-minded. I have this irrational vague plan to destroy money. Ironically, my plan this year is to start looking for money to make it easier to get out of my dayjob and carry out plans to do something about the state of economics. Am I just faulting mankind’s creation of money to escape from my utter disinterest in traditional life? How does this sit well with the rest of society? So many questions. Shame and embarrassment pressuring in as if building on the world’s largest floodgates. Deepest insecurities out naked in the open. Maybe everyone goes through the same thing at one point. Maybe I'm thoroughly incompatible, but trying to fit in. Modern life. Post-scarcity in its infancy. Yes, we are not really that evolved, not even that civilized afterall.

More tears. The feeling of insecurity was infinitely overwhelming There was this strong gut feeling that whatever I have done since the beginning of time has been leading me to this - take the pill, change your life. You will know what to do after this. All your friends, and especially your mum - they have been taking care of you all these while to come to this moment. Take the pill. Take the plunge. My mind started connecting symbolic informations represented by -the- pill, and and the visual symbols of resolution - words fail me here. The symbols seemed to be playing in unison along with a string of notes coming off a Cowboy Bebop track that was playing - perhaps at the resolution / release part of the music. Maybe Space Lion was playing. I remember curling up into a ball. I’m alright dying. Just take me away from this feeling. This feeling of a million eyes staring at me, waiting for my decision. I even imagined Bruce Lee coming into my living room to tell me to get some of my work done. He was like a spirit. He came and left at lightning speeds, leaving traces of his signature yellow jumpsuit. The yellow melted into the sunlight that was filling up the room.

What happened next was astounding - a gazillion CRT-like screens were in full display in front of me, each with different images - as if they’re all different parallel universes. Brilliant colors. Excitement. Augmented by future funk music. I think this track came on at the onset of this experience. My mind went out of control. At one moment I became a piece of atom looking at crystalline structures lined up in lattices in first person view. The next I had a feeling that I’m someone else walking along the coastline. Some slo-mo, some seemingly in reverse. There was a terrific sense that I understood everyone, everything, and why things happened. I thought of my mum and others. And then I thought about my dissatisfactions, bad ethics, and society's inconsequential behaviours? Why do people do the things they do? Why don’t they question and analyze all of the possible consequences?

And all of a sudden I thought “Oh.. that’s why”. There was a great feeling that everything has been known. What if everything has been fated? No one is really at fault. Things just happen. Maybe these people had some level of DMT experience before. Maybe the DMT experience even occurred naturally? Don’t judge them. I don’t know the full picture of what led them to their decisions. But at the same time I felt like I knew.

Things were in motion during the trip, but the passage of time seemed non-existent. Everything happened all at once. It was extremely cathartic. I remember thinking “Poor wretched souls.. they had no escape.. It had to happen”. Stroboscopic images of my recently dead best friend appeared. Looking at the 3d (4d/5d?) animation filled me up with another "Oh" moment. It's like I've finally found the answer to his untimely demise. Too unique to be gone. A noise in the big bang destined to be a person, made to go through a messy life - only to be met with confusion, heartache, and tragedy. I lived through his life experience in fractions of a second.

The “Oh..” moment was repetitive, and I felt closeness to everyone. As I “Oh” in my mind there seemed to be some big bang image happening, ending with some implosion. I thought to myself “Oh.. the beginning and ending of universes”. Oh.. I created all these with my mind? Is this why Robert Heinlein made up the word - grok? Am I grokking stuff?

I was born into the world again, with silhouettes lined up, and they stood tall along the hospital (or house?) bed to greet me. They clapped. Somehow I think they’re all my friends, but more strangers among the silhouetted figures. It was extremely slo-mo. Strong sense of fate, destiny. Felt like I’m the chosen child everyone has been waiting for. The sense of an emotional homecoming was infinite. I felt tremendous pressure along with the sense of importance. This particular event seemed to be looping, maybe it even happened at the start of the trip, I can’t really remember this - only the sense of dejavu, on repeat, easily more than 20 times, or 200.

The Ohness continued with vaporwave music seeping into the picture. Pretty sure Saint Pepsi's track was on at that moment. Sighting of Ethereum's logo. Mountainous panes of mirrors arranged in shapes that I couldn't comprehend. In each pane, a reflection of my being, inviting me. I remember thinking loudly to myself - "It's right in front of you. Awaiting your attention". The music was vibrating as if in resonance with the structure. Everything seemed so elegant as if these music-makers and Ethereum dudes know what they're doing. They're building the future, fundamentally changing the underlying structures of society. How long more can we latch on traditional life? Forms appeared as I saw leylines and circular, almost crescent like symbols drawn over circular city structures. Visually pleasing stuff. Everything - compositions, color, wordings, font-type - they were perfect in every sense. The colours painted in my mind were vibrant - cyan, purple-pink, and yellow. It’s as if a signal for me to start waking up.

Words formed - Build things with love.

1:45 pm - 4.30 pm

Felt like a rude awakening after a million years. Handicapped, infantile, incomplete, broken. Had the image of Neo waking up in his batterypod capsule. Am I back in the Matrix? That’s how I really felt. There was a weird sense of amalgamation as if reality is partly digital and partly analogue. I was immediately greeted with a sense of calmness and enlightenment. The trip seemed loud. But now, it’s just another perfectly normal lazy Saturday afternoon. The world and everyone in it remained operational in my absence. Felt like I'm jesus or someone like that. Thoroughly reborn. Sent back to Earth for a mission.

Learned how to type again. Glitchy vision. Some area of pixels as if not updating - washed and stuck corrupted jpeg effects all over my mind and vision. For a moment Rook seemed as ancient as the universe itself, with a thousand eyes all over his furcoat. I thought I heard him say “I’ve been looking after you all my life”. I hugged him. My lack of body feedback made it seemed like I was telephatic. I tried saying something. It was as if someone else talked while I was just a witness.

My mind was still half in hyperspace, half in the comfort of my home. Felt like the trip of a lifetime. Stoned all the way trying to clean as everything looked dirty, and wasted time trying to write as I couldn’t find good words to describe the trip. It was just “Oh..” as I struggle being a jelly as I slowly regain normal human function. I still had some of the vision of zooming in onto objects and seeing the universe in them (except it would always abruptly re-loop, there wasn't much detail to be seen when I mention "the universe in them"). Also lingering til 4pm was the sense that I exist elsewhere in multiple places at the same time. And also the feeling that I just woke up after a very stormy night.

I wish I could extract more useful lessons out of it. In broad brush strokes, I felt a great sense of enlightenment and awakening during the peak and afterglow. Not entirely sure if it's just pure feelings or I really found out about things during the trip.

It's very difficult to put words to describe the experience. Nothing can prepare anyone for it. What's certain - it has the potential to make anyone a better person after. Assuming that everyone goes through a breakthrough. Better not take this when you're really at rock bottom. A state of mind thing.

99% of the effects worn off completely by 5:00 pm. But the sense of awe and enlightenment will remain for the rest of the day. Write while you can after. Now that I've taken the time to complete this report 5 days after the experience, it seems like the music that was playing played a great role in setting the flow of the trip.. maybe.

One thing's for sure, it was the pilgrimage of a lifetime.

---kevinwong/etherpunk(ed)@gmail.com---