Forgetting to Remember

I have lived most of my life so far resentful of this lifetime.

Don't confuse this with being suicidal. I have never wanted, or thought it would make anything easier for me, to die of this world. I HAVE in the past thought things might be easier for some people, but that was never a good enough excuse for my self personally.

I came into this world looking, for messages, for familiar faces, for the mystery behind what I was seeing, that I knew was there, but that I knew I wouldn't see.

My Mawmaw had one of those desks that roll up in the front, and I remember playing post office, always expecting to receive a magical letter from friends and loved ones Beyond, and being disappointed. Learning later that messages come in the mailbox and through telephones and cards, then learning later that messages are everywhere and come through in many ways, to discover even further on that messages are timeless, and even messages from moments passed grow with you and morph into more relevant messages for your present self.

When you're an observer of this world you see how everything fits together and works. I knew coming in that it would be hard not to get caught up in the drama of it all, and that things would be confusing and I'd have to use discernment. This deep knowing stayed, but upon my arrival the details fell away and I was left with an unexplained need to keep my hands clean. Dirt on my hands meant I had gotten involved. The darkness was always patiently waiting. Sharp intruding faces grinned and gleaned from patterns on walls and floors. I was convinced even then that my imagination was capable of creating anything, and that made me fear myself most of all. I sought out the light, and ran arms wide open to the first little flash I saw. Hope for a foot hold and direction finally! I soon found out that that wasn't the light I remembered, and I didn't know what to do from there. I was so lost, this didn't make any sense to me.

So I said, "well then fuck it." And I escaped this world every chance I got. With gaining experience as my cover.

I gained drug addictions, toxic relationships, baggage so heavy my back STILL hurts, and a lot of self doubt.

I stayed in this destructive cycle until I couldn't make sense of it anymore, and I no longer recognized myself.

And then I broke.

Lying still in the bath,
No more tears to cry,
Feeling my body disappear to the warmth,

Mind stops.

There is nothing left to process of this experience.

I Am Awakened.

To find... A big dose of self-love and a sense of renewal.

No more trying to figure out how I had gotten where I was, no regrets or cataloguing what I can accept now and what to deal with later. No need to talk myself into forgiving my faults and mistakes. There was nothing to do but move forward.

I woke up in 2011, and have been getting to know my Self since then. It has taken me 6 years to understand the resentment that has kept me floating just above the ground, never wanting to fully commit to this worldly experience.

I began receiving messages for other people, that I could always relate to, and I knew these messages were meant for me too.

You cannot run from this lifetime. You cannot live your life stuck in a day dream. If you're here, be HERE. If you came to be the light, and anchor that light.. you have to be here to catch it. You have to be grounded to anchor the light.