HOW DO WE DO

I have a four month old baby and recently he has graduated from the inward-facing position of the baby harness to the outward-facing position. This allows him to see the world from my chest-high perspective as I walk about the busy streets of London. He's a curious boy, so he loves to look and see everything. However, being outward facing comes with some worry for a parent. For instance, you can't gauge their enjoyment of their surroundings (or lack their of), you can't tell when the sun is in their eyes, but the worst thing is that you can no longer shield them from the public weirdos.

I have long been a magnet for weirdos. I don't mind, I actually like talking to them because they bring more conversational A-game than most. I would take 5 minutes of conversation with a weirdo over the forced pleasantries of a wedding seating-plan or the small talk of a barber or waitress.

I know I have the ora that invites the weirdos to me, it's always been that way. I remember clearly sitting on the number 31 bus in San Diego and seeing a man walk on who was dressed head-to-toe in elaborate fishing regalia. The number 31 bus picks up from the inland town of Mira Mesa and ends at the University Town Centre mall. There is no pond or fish on that route. Yet he had a professional grade fishing vest with various hooks, bait and tackle hanging from every pocket and seam. He had the trousers that unzipped around the knee and converted to shorts. He wore one leg in the shorts position and one leg in the pants position. His exposed leg showed a very high tube sock. But it was his hat that made me realise he was a weirdo: his floppy hat had no less than 10 lucky rabbits foot charms hanging from it.

'Hang on, you don't need 10 good luck charms to catch a fish,' I thought and as soon as I realised he was weird I knew he was coming straight for me. And he did. He sat down right next to me, despite the empty rows of seats in every direction, and began asking me all sorts of questions. I don't remember the questions, I do remember the concerned looks from other passengers - the look that you give in public situations which is equal parts concern for your safety and also relief that it's not them being talked at.

So now that my son is outward facing, I am subjecting him to my ora and his induction came today at the grocery store when a woman approached us with great determination, grabbed him by the hand and used an unnecessarily loud opening gambit, "HELLO LITTLE PERSON." She then grabbed his hand, wrapped it around her finger, affirmed his strong grip to me, and then said no less than 5 times in a row, "and how do we do?". Each time she paused after, expecting him to answer. "How do we do?" she would repeat. "HOW DO WE DO?"

I answered for him with a laugh, "will you say hello, Freddie?" I said, as if he understood how rude he was being.

"HOW DO WE DO?" she said again, ignoring my blatant peace offering.

I can't remember how the one-sided conversation finally ended but I do remember we were in the table sauce and olive oil aisle. I didn't need anything from that aisle, I don't even know why I was there in the first place.

I’m beginning to wonder if it is my ora that brings people to me, or if I am being led to them by some conversational karmic debt I owe. Maybe in a past life I was a real asshole to strangers.

Either way I am now subjecting my son to these challenging scenarios and will be able to give him none of the tools (or hand sanitiser) to cope.