I huge part of my life and personality has been shaped by the thoughts and behaviours that I have recently found out have come from me having aspergers, Autistic Spectrum Disorder as it is formally named.
My biggest struggle is that my senses are heightened, I get overwhelmed by them and though I have gotten better at coping, everyday is a challenge.
I try my best, sometimes I try to detach myself from my senses, sometimes I isolate myself from everyone and everything, but if I can't do the things I need to do the let out the energy that has built up inside of me I get really angry and this can lead to a meltdown.
When I'm upset and get to my breaking point I lose all self control, I become someone unrecognisable, someone really nasty and I feel absolutely terrible afterwards, it terrifies me because I have no control over what happens when I do.
I suspect that I may have a disassociation disorder that gets triggered in peaks of emotional stress, which I'll be mentioning to my health worker.
I've only gotten into that state a handful of times in my life because as a child I couldn't get away with it, often being severly punished for my tantrums.
I found out very quickly to find another way of dealing with my problems.
So I learned to internalise my thoughts, stay silent and hide my rage and anxiety, I learned to not seek help or show my emotions.
Apparantly this behavior is what the ASD community call a shutdown, the opposite of a meltdown.
To this day I still find it hard to connect with others and share how I am feeling because from my experience everytime I open up to someone I always get hurt in some way or another.
It's scary being an autistic child, living in a world with a mother you're not attached to and being in overstimulating environments that you have no control over. I was afraid for a lot of years.
Isolation was and still is my best defence.
I'll be visiting an ASD help group in a few days where I will be learning to overcome, manage and deal with my aspergers.
I don't want to be the man people hate and avoid. I want to be the man who can turn his life around, I want to show the world the real me, the happy and outgoing Michael that was lost to Autism all those years ago.