Musings XV

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I like to manage and control every aspect of my life. I plan for the worst case scenario but remain optimistic. Yeah, I'm a control freak but it's all within reason. When my beloved jungle king passed, I was forced to confront myself. I accepted the situation for what it was, made logical choices yet my heart continued to break. There was no realistic solution to keep him with me and I wasn't going to be that person to force him to live on for selfish reasons.  

I allowed myself to cry openly for a few days after his passing but I find myself struggling to maintain control. I've been showing too much vulnerability. I despise it. It exhausts what little energy I have and everyday I wake up wondering when I'll revert back to my normal self. I sleep uncomfortably, waking to the memory of his heartbeat increasing rapidly and then nothing. I've held lifeless creatures before but never have I ever felt the life slip from one so loved. 

This binding sense of control entraps me in wicked ways. My body tells me to reject food and I'm given a cheap sense of control. For those wondering, eating disorders aren't reserved only for those consumed with vanity. I now see that it's something not easily left behind. Don't worry, I won't allow myself to wither away. I have caring eyes on me and I'll continue to throw myself into my art. 

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I sent my SBD through @blocktrades to my Bitpay card and bought the bondage tape at Bondesque in uptown Minneapolis.

Thanks for reading. 🦊