Meditation Experience Can Be Really Scary

The art work is mine, watercolor pen and ink. I found painting my experiences much easier than talking or writing about them. During a 12 day silent SN Goenka Center's Vipassana retreat back in 1994, on the third day, I felt like a snake was sitting on top of my head. The feeling alternated between the sensation of wearing a hat tight around my forehead to a sensation likened to a tube of toothpaste being squeezed. I was getting squeezed out through the top of my head and a long snake like projection was weaving back and forth over me dripping warm liquid drops on me. I wondered if I needed an umbrella and even looked to see if the drips were leaving marks on me. Luckily my Buddhist teacher warned me to stay seated and witness all sensation with equanimity so I closed my eyes and continued on witnessing sensation.

I had to look the word equanimity up before I went on my first retreat. I had never heard it before, the Pali or Sanskrit word is called Upekkha or Upeksa . Thank goodness nothing bad happened, I didn't go crazy like some people do, well I lost my eyesight for a couple hours when I went to bed after the initial feeling like a snake was getting squeezed out of the top of my head, but that faded away in a couple hours after I was in bed. Some people literally jump up and down from a seated crossed leg position or jerk around wildly, grunting and groaning when they hit this level of meditation.

After the fading away of what looked like a red Z (free use image)
blocking my eyesight I could see in the dark. Now that was amazing experience and really tested my equanimity, I thought I broke my eyes. Boy I was going to catch shit when I got home and had to tell my husband and kids what happened. I did lose my panic attacks and major anxiety during that retreat. I went through the first three days of feeling like someone was trying to rip my backbone out and blood was dripping down my back. The breath helped me stay still and the pain passed and bliss took its place, bliss like nothing I had ever felt before, I didn't move I just watched. I never told my teachers about this because I was afraid they would think I was crazy. Now I tell the story because it is a really interesting story told by a green, West-Coast-Redneck, raised Christian, and a warning to anyone who thinks meditation will make them happy or fix them. Most people just end up really bored watching their breath and body sensation for 10 hours a day at extended meditation retreats. A few go crazy because the monsters in their mind's closet manifest and they do not understand this is all just mind play and won't hurt them if they do not react. Most people who attend mindfulness or vipassana retreats don't have teachers to give them advice, I did thank goodness. My first Buddhist teacher is from Korea, I called him Sunim, which means monk. He helped me save my life, I will be forever indebted to that mans compassion and kindness.

I think what manifested after years of meditation and thinking about my first retreats was childhood trauma from sexual abuse and the death of my father, the stored experiences manifested as body sensations and when I didn't move or react, I was able to let the gross conditioning go. When I let go, my natural being took up the space the trauma had lived in for so long, which is bliss. To bad the bliss didn't stay, I don't miss it because bliss comes and goes along with the intense pain. I never look forward to bliss in meditation because that usually means some more badass pain is just around the corner. Same goes with really easy happy sits during meditation. Don't attach to the experience or you will get your ass kicked!

I still struggle with the more subtle betrayal conditioning brought on from my childhood trauma. Subtle conditioning is very difficult to spot and to see it is empty of thingness as well. This is why I don't recommend meditation to anyone unless they have a really good mentor and teacher who can be there for them. I didn't move and I didn't freak out, I suspect if I did move the snake might of bit me and I would have gone crazy. From the discipline of not moving no matter what happens, I've learned to integrate a little bit of equanimity into my daily life. For that I am thankful and it was worth all the pain I went through to get where I am now, which is, I am still alive.