Faulty CircuITs Story 1 - Boys R Us
This is the first official story in my someday coffee table book, working title; Faulty CircuITs.
Boys R Us
"Sadie? Come in, please. Have a seat." The adoption agent gesticulated to the expensive-looking chair opposite her from the desk. Sadie stepped into the hopeful room and seated herself as directed. "First, let me say on behalf of all of us at this establishment, we are so grateful that you've come to us. These guys need people like you for second chances at life. Some of them don't have many chances left." The agent's eyes met Sadie's, letting the weight of those words fill the room.
Sadie felt a flutter in her heart. "What do you mean? Is there one that needs to come home with me, like, today?!"
The agent looked down at her own manicured hands on the desk. A small frown turned the corners of her mouth. She looked back up at Sadie, who was now gripping the arms of the chair, and cleared her throat. "Sadly, we have three that consistently get surrendered back to us time and again. If they don't find someone to take them by the end of the day, that's it."
"You're going to put them down?" Sadie's mouth hung open in shock. She covered it with a hand. The agent nodded slowly. "Oh my god. I can only save one. Let me see the files." Her eyes were welling up with tears.
"Ok, but I have to warn you. These are difficult cases. They'll need a lot of special attention. Are you sure you have the time and resources for one of these?"
"Yes! Yes! Please show me the files. Please!"
"Ok." The agent reached into a drawer beside her and pulled out three manila folders from the top. She pushed the first one forward, opening it for Sadie, who picked it up to look at the profile. "This is Derek. Derek likes to wear baggy clothes, and spends a lot of time with his bong. A LOT of time. Derek is always high, surrounded by greasy boxes and piles of unwashed clothes. He hasn't eaten off a dish in three years, and his last girlfriend noted that his apartment is infested with possums. Derek makes no apologies for any of his habits or odors. If you want Derek to be clean, you will have to wash him yourself. He will definitely ask to borrow money on a regular basis."
"Oh." Sadie sat back, and exhaled. She dropped the folder back onto the desk and touched her face in thought. "Please, show me the next one."
The agent placed the second folder down on top and opened it. "This is Kurb. He has great hair. A lot of girlfriends have chosen him based on this selling feature, and for his nipple piercings. He does, however, bring a guitar to every party. Kurb, you should know, likes to party. He'll come home late, drunk, or in the morning from someone else's house smelling like lavender oil and soiled mystery. He'll guilt you for any and all of your faults, such as disliking being cheated on, but sees himself quite beyond reproach. He conveniently forgets his wallet every time you go out, and when his mother visits, you will all share one bed."
"Jesus." Sadie bit her knuckle and paused. "...Ok, let's hear the last one."
"Very well." Said the Agent, putting forward the third, and final file. "This last one's name is Josh. Any experience you've had, he's had too, but bigger. Including ovarian torsion. He'll talk over you, because he firmly believes that intellect and volume are one and the same. His tears for women's rights will wash your underpants clean off. His favourite hobby is to never text you back. He also enjoys making promises and claims to fail to live up to. Basically, you only exist to him when he feels like it. Like a super power you have no control over. With Josh, even the weather is your fault."
"This is such a hard choice. Ugh. I wish I could afford to adopt more than one boyfriend. I can't save them all. Ah! Why can't I save them all? SO unfair!" Sadie banged her hand on the desk in frustration.
"I understand, Ms. Strickland. It's not an easy choice. It's not easy for us, either. We are so glad you're here, though. Making a difference."
"There's only one way I think I could make a fair decision. May I test the penises?"
"Yes, of course. Come with me."
They rise from their seats.
This story was partly inspired by a sketch from SCTV featuring Dave Thomas as a veterinarian. The piece was called 'All the Long-Leggedy Beasties'. Mostly, though, it came from a comment I read once online that having a boyfriend is a sign of privileged life, because it means you have the time and energy to deal with a man.
My stories don't all connect, but some of them do, and many of them cross-reference. So if you're into it, keep an eye out for the next one. I presently have one more recorded that I'll release in two or three days.
This is a repost - The first try didn't seem to make it. Or the second try. Third try is the charm?
Stay safe out there! xo