Am I good enough? How to work with your inner critic while beeing creative
Pathos
Acrylic on canvas
60x80 cm
While I examine my latest painting I am swinging back and forth between: ‘this is amazing’, and ‘someone please bury it’. Do you know such emotions? I find it especially hard to review my own paintings. And I probably should not admit it, but I have a doctorate in art history (oh sh*** I admitted it).
For a long time it was irrelevant if my paintings or drawings are up to any standard, but right now I want to be courageous and send some of my works to an open call for an exhibition in a museum, a museum where the staff knows me in a completely different role, firstly as an art historian and secondly as an choreographer, but absolutely not as a painter. And now I am trapped in these contradictive feelings of ‘shit or gold?’.
As I do not like to be trapped, I made a short action plan (I know… action plan…again… my last action plan as you can read in an older post consisted of several artworks I wanted to realise)
There were three main problems to tackle. The first being the (objective) review of my painting, the second coping with my fears and the third a compilation of what I could gain by submitting the work.
I will garnish my action plan with photos of the painting process, from sketch to finished artwork.
Let’s start with the review
Primarily I had to accept, that I cannot be as analytical with my own work, as I would be with someone others, because I know the idea and process behind the painting. But nevertheless, there are ways to get a fresh start with your own work. It may sound simple, but for me it’s working: flip the painting upside down. Mostly my first reaction of like or dislike are a good indicator if the painting is working. The upside-down painting reveals easier if colours are working together, if there is a focal point, if the feelings I wanted to inspire can be noticed, if the perspective is working and so on.
Very similar to reversing the painting is taking a photo. This allows me to distance myself from my own work and I get a better understanding of possible technical mistakes like brushstrokes/palette-knife marks which obscure the main motive or are too agitated or to flat. The distribution of light and shadow is easier to understand, if I look at my painting in form of a photo.
After checking all these points, it is however most important to let the work rest for a day. And then ask myself if I really care :-D
My fears
My fears are so real – the fears tell me. All my thoughts are the truth – my thoughts tell me. But everybody outside my brain instantly knows: not true! My fears and thoughts are this, only thoughts. I like to start with this consideration, because it is very hard for me to accept, that not all my thoughts will become reality (maybe my friends would tell you, I do not accept this truth and that I am very convinced of my own opinion – sigh)
Perhaps you are a little bit wiser? But nevertheless, there is the real chance of being rejected. But what will the rejection show? That I am a bad artist, that I am not creative, hip, skilful enough or that my ideas are boring? Maybe this I right, then I should start to practice and improve. But it is not a value judgement about me as a person (please brain accept this :-D) But on the other hand there could be completely different reasons for the rejection, like the artworks does not fit into the other selected works, or that only known artists could be (risk free) chosen and so on.
But my biggest fear is to make a fool of myself by submitting something worthless…. And I think it’s ok to just live with this fear, because (read at the beginning of this paragraph) it’s only fear.
What’s to gain
Again, I must admit something not so nice about my character – I am very strongly extrinsic motivated. I want to be famous, I want to be applauded, loved, and admired (therefore my choice to dance on stage). And so, in my view I must take the risk, because visibility goes along with the possibility to fail and to be criticised. If I want someone to see my paintings and to recognise my absolute genius, I must submit my work. Easy… or?
Perhaps I should read my own blog post two, three or twenty more times, to believe what I wrote… (The deadline is the 20. November – so you can be witness of me being a coward and giving in to my fears and doubts or of me proudly reporting my submission)
Fear is something that you will go over when you start doing things more often, but questioning yourself, your work, maybe will last forever. The biggest question is why are you truly doing what you do. Do you enjoy it, you feel nice and relaxed and happy, or you just want to achieve more attention? I don't believe that painting this peace attention was your main goal since this painting has feelings and tells a story of it's own. And the last thing I can think of in this moment is, so what if your work won't be accepted? Believe me been in that place so many times with some works really good, but you see critics are also humans, and don't give up if some work is rejected, it doesn't mean necessarily it's not good ...
I hope I made my point, if I hadn't sorry my intention was just to say to you, try it, you don't have anything to loose. You will be only richer with one more life experience.
Thank you for your encouragement (and that you can see a story and feelings in the painting) - this means much from you, because I really like your work!
And you are absolutely right, I certainly do not make art for fame or wealth (ähhhh wealth - I had to laugh) I just wrote it a bit pointed, because making art seems to be my state to be. As I wrote in some older post I worked as a choreographer and dancer, but because of an accident and health problems I had to stop (ok also because I got older) Now I am in a stage of searching for different artforms. I always made music and photos, but currently I again discovered drawing/painting. I haven't painted for many years and, so it is perhaps no longer natural for me and my formal education is getting in the way telling me constantly how bad I am. But there is a but. It was not all irony, that I wrote, I want to be admired and loved. Sadly, that is also true. And (perhaps also sadly) I am never relaxed while being creative (indifferent of the artform) I am more the maniac who wants to finish the artwork to get it out of my head.
So if you have that quick line in yourself, maybe try some quicker technique, drawing maybe. Express yourself, that's only that's matter :)
I have this "fear" every time before I hit "post" here on Steemit. Also, I find your technique of reviewing your own work fascinating, because I do similar things. I always flip my works around and look from different angles to see if they "work" and I take photos as well and make adjustments to them if something seems out of the place.
I directly browsed your posts and read some articles again and it's so hard to believe, that you really struggle, because you write so enjoyable and professional - so thank you for sharing your fears with me. For me writing is less hard to publish perhaps because I do not write in my mother tongue and therefore have not so high expectations for myself or perhaps my writing is more brain-centered than heart-felt, but I totally understand you!
Also good to hear that you "review" in a similar process - perhaps we have THE METHOD :-D (Please post some more of your beautiful watercolor drawings)
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