My disturbing self-portrait. [using art to work through negative emotions]
For the past few days I have been suffering pretty badly from PTSD
I was terrified, unable to shower without extreme fear, having night terrors, shaky. Just kind of a mess. I was also reverting back to maladaptive daydreaming, and as is such since childhood, going to some really, really dark places mentally. Between the nightmares, flashbacks, and my own escapism my mind was constantly thinking about my own death. Or at the least brutal attack. So, I decided to finally "go there" with my art in a way I never have, out of fear of how it would be taken, and get the dark stuff out of my head and onto canvas. Exorcise some demons, if you will.
That is the self portrait I made yesterday.
No, that is not actual poop, but I am wondering what type of person I am for people to assume it might be. XD I got asked that multiple times. It was actually old paint, and I liked that it looked like shit, it kinda fit the painting, so I kept it that way. The dreadlock is mine, from my last set. It was a last minute decision to add it but I am glad I did. I didn't have glue so I attached it with a screw.
Honestly, it felt really good releasing some of that dark stuff. It felt really good exploring the depths of my darkness, we all have it in us, and then actually expressing it rather than bottling it up. I plan to continue to explore this part of my psyche and express it visually. My next project, of this type, is a graphic novel that will depict some really horrific scenarios. It may very well just be for me, I will self-publish it with very strong warnings.
So, if you are an artist who is holding back on fully expressing some parts of yourself or exploring the darker side. I suggest you try it. It is very therapeutic and you may be surprised at what you create.
Part of what makes art so valuable is that it can help people to express themselves. It can help get people get their emotions out and help other people to relate/be touched/be disturbed. It can illicit emotions on both sides.
Laura, when we did our intense work in the 90's of releasing our dark suppressed emotions...
We did so in an extremely safe space with plenty of medical assistance in attendance. There were also trained psychological and spiritual staff, and abundant support workers available........
The room, over a six day period, felt like an emotional/spiritual/psychological battlefield but the presence of support staff's love and care overcame all.........
You, however, want to release your suppressed/unconscious darkness here on the internet? Without trained and sympathetic support, and with possible miscreants tracking your openness and vulnerability?
Are you f'ing crazy?
Yes, I am f'in crazy. Thought that was evident. :P
It sounds like an amazing experience to have the supportive staff and stuff though. :)
Although having a supportive therapist is wonderful, too often mental health advocates will want to silence you for speaking up about abuse or the cause(s) of PTSD. They will suggest that "you get over it" and forgive the abuser. Any attempt to shame or silence a survivor is abusive in that it invalidates her or his right to speak up about the abuse or trauma. It places the mantle of shame on her shoulders rather than on the perpetrator. Don't ever stop talking about your pain because this talking, this working out of your pain through art...it will help heal you. I am an abuse and trauma survivor and healing is ongoing and honestly, it helps me so much to know that I'm not alone. Your posts resonate with me. I am amazed at your resilience and inspired to see how you use your art as you travel your heroine's journey. @onceuponatime is concerned that others will take advantage of your vulnerability, of your transparency, and I share that concern. There are so many evil people in this world. Stay safe but never stop speaking out about abuse. It is by speaking up that we silence the predators who will claim that they are the victims, and that they require our compassion. Fuck no.
@florentina, I think everything you said is on target. There is power is speaking out, and not everyone is prepared to hear it or to be supportive. The trick is to not be invested in the response of others, but rather in your own ability to work through the pain.
I dont disagree with anyone who commented here. I will receive negativity and even harassment and have but I am going to be harassed regardless of what I post here. I already opened that door and I am aware of it when I post now. I, however, am an artist. It's literally what I do with my life, and it is my #1 priority. I create art to share it and when it's graphic art like this, I feel like explaining it. I used to hide my art/throw it away for many, many years but now I like to share it. I am appreciative of the concern however, and it was valid. Also thank you for the thoughtful response, as usual @florentina.
I went through a bad Childhood and had to go through quite a bit of counselling, I was told to write myself a letter about Everything that happened and how you survived, Seeing it in black and white really helped as would you doing this art. Its facing your demons head on .
I like that idea. I write about it too and it really does help. Trying to pretend it didnt happen didnt help...I tried that for years.
No you can never forget, there is always something that makes you remember. Tell yourself your strong you survived and still here to tell the story
Incessantly writing about it doesn't help either, except to make people feel sorry for you,
but, even that gets old eventually as you can see, how would you feel if I repeat to you 150 times
that I was (insert tragedy here)?
Thank you for sharing something so personal and congratulations for turning to creativity to get out those festering emotions. I was attacked (beaten and choked only) by a masked man when I was in college. I fainted the first time I saw my face after the attack; your painting reminded me of it, but without much charge. I also experienced childhood sex abuse. What happened to you happened, but it won't be the totality of your life if you keep on working through it. I believe that, in healing from trauma, the only way out is through. Good luck on your journey. You survived so that you can live. Be as gentle with yourself as you would be for a friend.
This is dark, gritty and powerful. People may not like the graphic nature of it but I like the raw impact it produces. Also you have captured the blood surprisingly realistically.
People deal with trauma in different ways. We all have to process things and art is one way to do that.
All the best:)
Art therapy is a real thing. My buddy's wife is a double amputee and uses it to cope with depression, which is common.
It's truly some kind of disturbing ...
Get well soon!
Thank you. :)
Thanks for answering the first question that was popping into my head xD
makes me think of
this movie