I'm writing a post about Depression

Good evening.

I hope everyone's Friday is treating them well.

I am going to write up a little post here regarding depression since I was dealing with the worst case of it I've ever had. I am no stranger to depression. I've been dealing with it my whole life, most of the time without knowing I was depressed. I had just recently realized that is what has been going on.

Depression doesn't need a trigger, there doesn't need to be something sad or overwhelming to have had happen in order for depression to set in, sometimes you just wake up one morning and the air feels a little heavier. You can feel that gravity weighing down on you. Sure there are moments where certain situations or circumstances leave you depressed or make it worse, but there can literally be no reason at all.

And of course everyone experiences depression differently. Some are sad, some cry, some get angry or if you're like me you feel absolutely nothing at all. I completely detach from myself when I'm depressed. I come off as cold, uncaring and most of the time I just stare off into the distance at nothing in particular. I'm unmotivated, I'm exhausted and all I want to do is sleep. Sometimes I even experience dissociation where I feel like I'm not attached to reality at all and I'm floating through a dream. That experience happens often and it can last for days at a time. Where I just feel like I'm not really here and this reality doesn't actually exist.

I don't know if any of you relate to me on that specific sensation or not. It's an unusual feeling but it's not necessarily a bad one. I started to go to therapy a few months ago, well that was until I was unable to afford it anymore, but my therapist had said that perhaps my depression is a coping mechanism. I have a tendency to let my mind run away from me, thinking of a thousand different plans to a thousand different scenarios all at once until I eventually stress out and overwhelm myself. She said perhaps my depression, this detachment, is just a way for my body to simply stop all of that and let me chill out for a while. And that is certainly possible.

But today the depression is different. It started out normally, just feeling heavy and numb, but as the day progressed I became more and more agitated. This was mostly because I didn't want to talk about it, just wanted to shake it off and keep going but I was probed and pestered for answers as to why I was so depressed when nothing happened to me that day until I eventually snapped and was left as a ball of negative emotions. I was agitated, angry, sad, frustrated, emotional, stressed out and overwhelmed all at the same time and it had my insides in knots. Even being at work and having to do my job was annoying to me. And I hated how it felt.

Luckily I feel at little better at this particular moment thanks to my boyfriend who has some miraculous power to help me through my neurotic moments of depression and OCD. I don't know how he manages to do it, because literally no one else has been able to help me. I usually just let it run its course. But without fail, he usually saves the day. So thank you, darling. I'd be a crazy, psychotic mess without you.

Depression feels as though your soul has literally left your body. That's the best way to describe it. Wandering through life without a soul. It's not exactly terrible, but it's not great either. It's hard to enjoy things and it's hard to get things done. Most of the time life is a shit show and all of us have had our moments of depression because of it. But it's nice to have a support system, even one person you can reach out to. To breathe a little life back into your body.

I'm basically going on a rant about depression as an excuse as to why I haven't been drawing the life doodles I'm supposed to be doing everyday because I've been slacking. I lost my mojo guys! But I'll get it back here soon.

Anyways, thank you for reading my long winded post about my feelings. XD I appreciate it.

Until next time!

-Chelsea