Hi, @lauralemons, I'm glad to have found you today. I was referred over here by @rem870man.

This piece of what you call "merging with nature" is quite lovely, thanks for sharing!

I also found that reading portions of your story tugged at my heart strings. I'm grieved to learn of the abuse in your past and the pain that comes from your personal philosophy and outlook on the universe. I was also gladdened to read of the progress you made via something as simple as video games, and of the joy you find in your lovely art! ;) :)

Though my life has also been quite painful at times, I have a hope for the future courtesy of the One Whom I believe to be the Creator of the universe, commonly know as Jesus Christ.

I didn't stop here to "preach" at you; I understand that your views are rational and sincere. However, I would like to invite you to visit my blog and sample life from my perspective. Having read several of your stories, I don't think that I fit any of your "religious/spiritual" categories.

I'm a voluntaryist, not a war-monger. I believe that the way you live your life is your business, not mine. The only danger I may pose to you is ideological; if you expose yourself to my thinking, yours may be in danger of changing. ;)

I also believe (and here I differ markedly from most contemporary "Christians") that if you continue as you are, you will ultimately achieve your wish of complete rest in oblivion, and so I would hope you might find even a modicum of comfort in that thought.

I personally have a far more amazing and spectacular hope for my personal future than you seem to have, and I invite you (at your convenience) to sample my writing about that hope if you like, and to interact and ask any questions that may arise.

Thank you for your honesty in sharing your life experience, and for the beauty of the art that you create. Following you now, and wishing the very best for you.