BEASTLY TALES

THE GROCER

(CIRCA 1960)

Marvin ran a small grocery shop,
Of the type they call “a Mom and Pop”,
A pound of spuds, a tin of beans,
A time when one didn’t live beyond one’s means.
The food was much plainer too,
A fry up, a soup or perhaps a stew.
The spuds were for mash,
The beans were for hash,
And if you wanted spice, of course,
Always on hand was tomato sauce.
To pack up your items was a brown paper bag,
None of this non-degradable plastic drag.
Of course, you would always pay with cash,
No-one used today’s credit card trash.
But if the grocer was a real good mate,
It was possible to put it “on the slate”.
Life was simpler in so many ways,
Before we reached today’s complicated phase.

Now Marvin’s shop was open all hours,
His regulars would totter in and browse.
“I’ll have half a loaf of bread today”,
“And a quarter pound of cheese if I may”.
Cheddar was mostly the only cheese,
No Gorgonzola or Parmesan if you please!

Mr McGillicuddy came quite often,
Pinching the fruit to test if it would soften.
Mrs Finch came for sanitary paper,
For her family to use in the usual caper.
And we mustn’t forget old Mr Clod
Who tended to be a cantankerous sod.
He’d come right in, in a surly mood,
To any who didn’t know him he’d seem quite rude.
“Whotcha got behind the counter there?”
“It looks like my knitted underwear”.
“Oh no”, said Marvin, trying to be nice,
“It’s just a bag of Pakistani rice”.
“I’ve no use for rice”, declared Mr Clod,
“To be gobbling that, to me seems odd”.
“Spuds are what I like to scoff”,
“Rice is alright for a fancy toff”.
“English grub is good enough for the likes of me”,
“Now I’ll take some crumpets home for tea”.
And so the day would slowly pass,
Marvin awaiting customers to spend their brass.

One day came a fellow who looked like a gorilla,
Who wanted a bottle of fizzy Sarsaparilla,
“Sarsaparilla is an excellent tonic”,
“For malady you have which indeed may be chronic”.

Here comes Mrs McGooch with her cute little poodle pooch,
She’s in the market for a bottle of hooch.
Sherry is her tipple of choice,
That’s what she ordered in a loud voice.
Here we now see dear Felicity,
Coming to buy things for her tea.
Morbidly obese, she waddles along,
She sweats a bit and so does pong!
“I need some cheese, a pound or two”,
“I’m going to make a big fondue”,
“Then a slab of chocolate for a dessert”,
“I’m making not a mud cake but a cake of dirt”.

Store cakes would appeal to ma’s and pa’s,
Kiddies come in for lollies in jars,
Tuppence worth in a white paper bag,
And, if you were old enough you could buy a fag.
Marvin waited for closing time to come,
He wanted to close up and go home.
Home was at the back of the shop,
Which was good enough for a “Mom and Pop”.