Welcome to Beastly Tales. Each has a message, a moral. All are meant to have an element of humour. Naturally, any names included do not depict real folk but are included as part of the joke.
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(As with Beastly Banter Beastly Tales is written and illustrated by Richard Hersel.)
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THE CAR RENTAL
Jarvis Flipwhistle had booked a car,
To rent whilst in Italy, not so far,
Did he have to drive, towards the south,
Towards a Tuscan town near a river mouth.
His flight arrived, all was fine,
As he joined the car rental line.
When he reached the reservation clerk,
Who made no secret that he was a jerk,
Jarvis handed over the “Booking Confirmation”,
The clerk rejoined, “There is no reservation.”
“There is just nothing here, on my screen”
“You can see that there never has been.”
“Sorry, but there is no car booked.”
“You have been told, and you have looked.”
Jarvis spluttered, “It says Reservation Confirmed.”
“That is what it says, how it is termed.”
Said the clerk, “That document is not valid.”
“That paper is rubbish, really squalid.”
“However, we do have a spare car,”
“I’m sure you understand how busy we are.”
“We can allocate this to you instead,”
“But you must get it through your head,”
“That any other car is make-believe,”
“Clearly brought up to greatly deceive.”
“I can prepare the documents for you,”
“If you permit me a moment or two.”
He printed two sheets of paper for Jarvis to sign.
“Now you no longer need whinge and whine”,
“You have your valid vehicle lease,”
Before reaching back for a set of keys.
“The car is in the vehicle rental car park,”
“You’d better hurry as it is getting dark”.
Jarvis made his way along lines of car after car.
All lined up neatly on the pavement tar.
But no sign of the rental car did he find,
He felt he was close to losing his mind.
He walked back to the airport car rental desk.
Tiring rapidly of this futile quest.
“So you say the car is not there at all?”
Said the clerk, staring at him without recall.
“Yet you have signed for it, here are the papers.”
Jarvis began feeling as though he had the vapours.
“I signed a rental agreement,” Jarvis said,
The clerk “tutt tutted” and shook his head.
“No, you signed for the car itself. Look.”
“We do things here by the book.”
“Here – you see – here and there,”
“Have a good look have a stare.”
“It says, I have received this car in good condition,”
“You cannot obtain a more clear rendition.”
The clerk intoned, “You are liable for this car,”
“Once is comes into your possession so far.”
Jarvis exploded, “I never found the car, I tell you.”
“I can’t give it back, so go ahead and sue.”
Said the clerk, “That is not what this document says.”
“Your unreasonable attitude does me amaze.”
“When are you going to bring the car back?”
“If I lose a car, they’ll give me the sack!”
Gasped Jarvis, “How can I return something I’ve never had?”
Jarvis was beginning to get really mad!
“Then you will, for the cost of the car be liable.”
Jarvis was steaming up, really friable.
Said he, “I’m going to call the police now.”
The clerk shrugged, “Over there is a policeman dour.”
Jarvis strode right across to the copper,
“I’ve got a problem and it is a whopper.”
“I am being falsely accused of a car to be stealing,”
“And it seems to be extortion I’m feeling.”
To the copper from the clerk, “This person has disposed of our car.”
“He refuses to return it, although not very far.”
“Of the consequences, I simply informed him,”
“But he doesn’t look smart, only awfully dim.”
Said the cop, “Where is this car, it’s a serious matter?”
Jarvis said, “There is no car, and so the patter,”
Went on and on, the copper studying the paper,
“This is a really most unusual caper.”
“Is this your signature, Jarvis Flipwhistle?”
“That’s me,” said Jarvis, starting to bristle.
“You must accompany me to the station.”
“We view car theft seriously in this nation.”
They took Jarvis’s fingerprints,
And then his photograph, in which he squints.
“Since you are accused of car theft.”
“I’ll have to lock you up, your senses bereft.”
Jarvis yelled, “But I never got the car!”
The copper replied, ‘That excuse will never go far.”
A nightmare had troubled him, causing him to scream.
A voice then awakened Jarvis from his dream.
“What a terrible occurrence, my dear friend,”
“It seems your troubles have come to an end.”
It was a gentleman he’d met on the flight,
He was a doctor, and was terribly bright.
“This policeman called me when you gave him my card.”
“Since then we have been working quite hard.”
“I phoned the “Commissario” who is a friend of mine.”
“And to him I did very readily opine.
“That you could not have had time, a vehicle to steal.”
“So we got you released with no appeal.”
The policeman said they regretted the error,
And hoped the experience had not caused too much terror.
Jarvis responded, “After all this fuss,”
“I’m going to, instead, catch a bus!”