BEASTLY TALES

THE BALLOON DUELLISTS

Catheta Carstairs lived in the 19th century.
As did Danielle Dysentry, both from Gentry.
Both had very unusual leisure habits,
Flying hot air balloons, looking for rabbits.
Initially they enjoyed a mutual camaraderie,
But soon they both became infatuated, you see,
With the Village haberdasher, one Nellie Gwyn,
Who, as she walked by, made their heads spin,
They each competed severely for her affections,
Sending them off, in different directions.

Catheta had asked Nellie to be his bride.
Danielle came back with a most snide aside.
“What he wants, is to steal her from me.”
“Besotted with me, she is, as you can see.”
Catheta, at last, had had quite enough.
He thought to himself, “It’s time to get tough.”
So he removed his glove, slapping Danielle in the face.
I’m calling you out. You are a disgrace!
Said Danielle, “So you are challenging me to a duel.”
“I always thought you to be a bit of a fool.”
“As the challenged, I get to choose weapons and method.”
“It will be Blunderbusses and Balloons, you stupid sod,”
“And don’t let me catch you, again drinking gin.”
“With my fiance, the most esteemed Nellie Gwyn.”

The duel was programmed for the very next day.
They would each take their balloon out over the Bay.
Up to about five hundred feet apart,
Then each would exercise his Blunderbuss art.
And so, these are the things they determined to do.
As each still intended, Nellie Gwyn, to pursue.
Early next morning, they were up, up and away.
A foolhardy mission, such a beautiful day.
As the breeze nudged them out to sea,
Townsfolk on the cliffs, this duel they wanted to see.
Soon their positions met the prescribed criteria,
Both the same height, no nothing inferior.
When both considered all to be ready,
They each lifted their Blunderbuss, nice and steady.
From a boat, way down, far out in the bay,
They each heard the megaphone clearly say,
“Are you each ready, to do the deed?”
“Then show us what you’re made of, show us your breed.”
Simultaneously, the two Blunderbusses boomed,
It seemed as though both of them might be doomed.
But when the veil of smoke did clear,
There were the two balloons, no fear.
But their fabric had more than a few holes.
Losing altitude as they drifted towards cliff side knolls.
At last, on the beach, they did touch down.
The crowd relieved that the flyers didn’t drown.

But where are the duellists, so foolhardy?
Catheta and Danielle, are they tardy?
That is to say late, dead, out of sorts,
Then the crowd heard some grunts and snorts.
Each of them were lying, bloody, in the bottom of their basket.
As though each one was in his funeral casket.
But although bloodied, they were alive.
It appeared that they may, indeed, survive.

Nellie Gwyn ran through the large crowd,
Followed by a handsome man, who said out loud,
“Nellie, as you have agreed to be my wife,”
“I don’t want you to be involved in this strife.”
Catheta and Danielle each peered over their basket edge,
Astounded at this latest great wedge.
In their romantic intentions toward Nellie Gwyn,
After all that they’d been through, it was a real sin!
Now to hospital they went, for their wounds to recover,
To consider, with penance, how they did smother,
Nellie Gwyn, with their persistent demands,
Ignoring the many common sense commands.
Now Nellie had found another love,
And given both of them the right royal shove!