Have you ever felt Stuck in a Corner?

  More from memories from my old college sketchbook

This one has meaningful memories, meaningful lessons, and meaningful feelings.
It is called; Stuck in a Corner . This is the story behind it.

     

Back in my art student days I was a naive teenager who had much to learn, not only about art, but about life.
However, I had a curious mind and was pretty much open to anything. At that time I had no knowledge of homosexuality whatsoever and it was during my first term at art college that I was first confronted with a person who was "gay". It was actually the first time I had even heard of that term being used for something other than "happy.  
A fellow art student in my class immediately got my attention because he dressed, well, how can I out it, rather provocatively. The idea that he was "gay" did not even enter my mind. I simply figured he was an eccentric type student. As I said. I had never met anyone who was "gay".
I was the 1980s, I was only 16 and was fresh out of school. Back then homosexuality was no longer illegal but it was still at the stage were it was struggling to be socially acceptable. However, my own father was vehemently against homosexuality. His generation was raised in a time were homosexual individuals were portrayed as dangerous predatorial perverts. Strangely, even though my father had been socially programmed to have a judgmental state of mind, I on the other hand, had no prejudgment of such individuals at all. Why this is I do not know but it is something I am grateful for. 

Anyways, as the weeks went by I noticed that this "gay" art student had, what I can only describe as, feminine characteristics, especially the way he spoke. At the time there was a famous pop star called David Sylvian and it was pretty obvious this was who he styled himself on.
          

One day I brought this up about him to another student at the college cafe;
"He acts like a girl and he thinks he is David Sylvian" I said.
"He´s gay Arthur. Thats´what gays are like. Haven´t you met a gay person before?"
I shook my head and felt a little embarrassed for revealing my naivety. 

After that I deliberately avoided speaking to the "gay" student.

It is not that I feared him. It was just that, now that I was now face to face with someone who was actually gay, my mind was racing with thoughts. I was suddenly unsure how I should act or react when around him.
Basically I was trying to come to terms with new information.
      

The art college was located on the top floor of a four story high building with the public library being on the ground floor. This was somewhat handy for students when they needed to study or if they needed books.
The building had a wide staircase but it also had a tiny lift that could barely hold four people if they squashed themselves in like sardines. Being a little claustrophobic I tended to use the stairs but one day after spending a few hours in the library I lost touch with time and realised I was late for a class.
I saw the lift door was open so I uncharacteristically jumped in.
Just before the lift door closed the "gay" student also jumped in.
            

I suddenly felt somewhat uncomfortable and pushed myself into the corner as best I could.
"Have you a problem with me Arthur?" He asked, starring at me intensely.
Again thoughts raced through my mmd trying to find an answer. "No, of course not". But then the curiosity in me could not be contained and I just had to ask; "Are you gay?"
He looked at me as though I was taking the piss and then smiled and replied; "Yes. And so?"
"No no, I don't mean anything. It is only that I have never met anyone who is gay before" I said.
"Don´t worry it´s not contagious"
He said. The lift doors opened. 

A few days later...

 ....I stayed behind to work on a large painting and had the whole studio to myself. As least for about half an hour and then the "gay" student came in with the specific intention of talking with me.
"Are you homophobic Arthur?" He asked somewhat confrontational manner. I did not even know what the term meant.  "It´s just that I feel you are avoiding me. Are you frightened of me? Do you think I am going to rape you or something?"" He said.
I looked at him trying to figure out what I should do. "No, of course not. Its just that, well…."
Go on say it, I dare you!"
"Well, I just find it difficult to understand why you would be attracted to a man rather than a woman. I mean, men are so ugly and woman are so beautiful. Men are course and women are soft. Im not against anyone being gay at all honestly, I just don't get it. I cant get my head around it" I explained.
He began to laugh. "Is that what is going on that heteresexual mind of yours?" He said still laughing. "Well that has to be the most honest answer I have ever heard."
       

After that the tension between us seemed to vanish and we ended up going for a drink at a local bar.
He got great joy pointing out men whom he considered as "gorgeous" and asking my opinion if I could see why.
It was somewhat funny. Actually I could not see why one "guy" was more attractive than another.
"You know Arthur it is said that every guy experiences some homosexual feelings at some point in their life. Have you ever had any?" He enquired.  
"No never!" I wasn't lying either. I actually kissed my first girl at age five. It was my second cousin from Ireland called Moira. Her family come for a visit one Easter Sunday. We went behind the garage and kissed while we held hands. I can clearly remember it to this day.
"You know, my mother says that I pinched the nurses bottom when I was born.T hat´s how much I love women" I said. This time it was a lie. We both laughed. We ended up becoming good friends after that. Up until after the autumn half term that is. 

Sadly he was thrown out of the college for not being "good enough" 

Not him personally, but the standard of his artwork.
Back in those days it was very difficult to get a place at art college and even harder to keep your place. You actually had to be able to draw and you had to show that you were regularly improving too. These days all you need to do is throw a piece of cat shit at a canvas and you´re in. In those days colleges had to keep their reputation for high standards in order to be able to send students to certain reputable universities. But that´s another story.
So when he did not come back after half term I went to visit him at his home to see ow he was doing.
My new "gay" friend who opened the door was not gay at all. I mean mot in the original meaning of the word. Instead it was immediately clear to me that he was depressed. He felt rejected. His mum made us a cup of tea and we sat in the front room for a chat. "It is not easy being gay Arthur. You feel a bit rejected anyway and now I have been rejected the art college. I felt I fitted in there among you creative types. Now what have I got?" He said. I felt so bad for him and did not know what to say and I told him so.
"Just the fact that you took time to visit me Arthur means a lot. You are the only one of the class who has." He said as he stared down into his tea cup. And then he looked up at me. "Do you remember that day we found ourselves in that tiny lift together and you reacted by pushing yourself into the corner. I could see that you felt trapped."
I smiled. "I do remember yes. Sorry about that Paul. Forgive me for being an ass." I said, feeling a little ashamed that I had ever reacted in that way.
"No no, I don't mean to make you feel bad. I just wanted to explain that is how I feel sometimes. I did not ask to be born Arthur, and I did not ask to be born this way either. Sometimes I feel trapped inside a body I didn't ask for and trapped inside a society that judges people like me. I feel stuck in a corner." He explained.
It was just at that point that I had got a sense of his burden but at the same time I felt selfishly lucky that I did not have that burden.I do not know what came over me but what I did next was pure reaction. I put my tea down on the coffee table and went over to him and gave him a hug. It was the first time I had ever been so physically close to another adult male. He pulled me closer tightly and held me for some moments. Moments that seemed like ages.  

We gradually lost contact until I met him once again in the library.
He told me he had gone back to college to study drama and he was loving it. He seemed much happier. After some time catching up I told him I had to leave for class. We walked together to the tiny lift were our friendship had first begun and when the lift doors opened an idea popped into my head. "Hold the lift door one while I get something." I said. I went back into the library and grabbed hold of a chair.  "I want to do do a sketch of you in the lift. It won't take me long. I want to do a portrait of you as my final exam piece. The chair will make the lift look even smaller." I explained.
He giggled but did as I asked. I told him to try and look serious and it was then I saw how good his acting skills were.
This is NOT the original sketch I did from that day. It has sadly been lost.
However this is the ink sketch I made from that original sketch. (if that makes sense?)
                                   
Sadly. I never actually did a painting from it either.  

Seeing this sketch today brought back memories. I felt disappointed in myself for not actually doing a portrait of my old "gay" friend and wondered if I could fix that somehow.
So I scanned it into my computer.
   

Today I spent the entire day working on photoshop trying to recreate something of how I intended I was going to do the original painting.
Here is what I ended up with. see below  
                                     

Just to finish, Paul went on to do a degree in drama and afterwards he got acting quite a bit of work in the theatre in London´s fashionable East End.
No he did not become the big name but for a while he get his 15 minutes of fame. The last I heard he was working as a clothes salesman in Savile row, London, in a Men Suits Boutique. I plan to make a visit to London in the spring of 2018. Perhaps I might pop in get him to measure my inside leg.
Thankfully attitudes towards gays are far more liberal and acceptable these days. A sign that we can move forward as a society if we really want.
Have you ever felt stuck in a corner?


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