Trapped by Location

in anxiety •  24 days ago

today was the final day to get funds together to pay towards the place where we are staying, I’m not gonna get into details but basically at this rate by christmas we are probably screwed. I found out we have to find a similar amount of money, even more actually in the next 22 days, that’s kind of impossible for us so now we are trapped — trapped in a field with a day rate when we were told that we could get a seasonal pass, feel confused, anxiety, like setting the damn caravan on fire and just walking away from it, honestly it’s all a little much, especially because we have both had to hustle our asses off to make those funds this week.

Everything is chasing our tail style right now, I have no issue that there is back pay to pay but we are now being charged a different rate without any communication about it whatsoever. I feel trapped and angry about it, now have the looming issue of this hanging over us, finding £600 for early december when we both work remotely and often december and January are super quiet anyway.

feel like it’s my fault for even deciding to come here now, to try and live this life, truth is nothing is easy to escape from or run from, I just wish I had invested more in bitcoin when I had the chance or bought a van to live in rather than the smart - coulda, shoulda, woulda kinda thing - now I’m under stress about it which I presume is exactly what someone wants and it’s the very thing I hate about society, everyone is squeezing some one and doesn’t realise the pain it causes.

dayleeo is with me for six months and aside from feeling like the worst host but also that I don’t have my shit together. I hate this feeling, all we wanna be is together and every time the border causes us problems because we don’t have the right paperwork etc, it’s all a little much — we could get a flat for half the money a month but who wants that life, shared with other people, worrying about the stuff in your room if it’s gonna be there, dealing with the internet connection etc — no wonder we have so many people damaged in the system and this just feeds my anxiety and stress.

maybe I need to make the move abroad for periods of time instead and commute back to see my daughter instead of each weekend like we have been doing for the last five years, maybe I really need to change things on that score, maybe being local is not gonna work anymore and I need to go somewhere where it’s cheaper to live. I don’t know, I just know that I’ve got a few projects I gotta do today and keep on track, keep billing, keep bringing in the funds and have this 22 day target looming over my head, that’s all I can do right now, I can’t buckle at the moment even thou my brain is going into shutdown, anxiety mode — got courses to finish, clients that I need their funds from the work I do.

I just need more and I hate that I’m forced into that ‘by all means necessary’ head state, people just want the money without the compassion, that’s business they say and yet they don’t realise the human inflection points that it cause between us when we squeeze the small guy. I used to think the threats to our countries were from outside but I realise now, especially here in this country at least that they walk among us in different generations wanting to see us comply and fall into ‘the way things have always been done’ when all I want to do is hit the road and keep driving.

Feel kinda cheated right now and having a hard time balancing angry, anxiety, stress, financial and authentic reasoning - it’s so hard to deal with that snowball effect. I think I have to go back to working in a warehouse or something at this stage because I can’t afford what they want each month right now, no matter what I do it’s out of our reach to keep on finding that amount each month, i’m really not sure what we are gonna do — so please, bear with me while I make this transition mentally.

this blog post isn’t smart, it’s not sexy, but it is real and it is honest, from a father of a failed previous partnership because of my own mental health issues, I’m just trying to hold it together for my daughter, my partner and to maintain some kind of short to long term future. I’m not a bad person, I’m not taking from the state and I’m just trying to survive — the survival mindset is starting to grate on me thou — is it really this hard to try and be ethically sound in a world of inefficient processes and cold faced ideals.

ok, gotta get back to some kind of grind here today and hope that the rest of the day doesn’t fall apart.

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The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problems.

- Mahatma Gandhi

It is these posts should be in the blog. Thank you for sharing! I'm sure you will cope with these temporary difficulties. I'm in the same situation, do not despond :)

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yeah it's rough right? i've literally had the rug pulled from underneath me this morning and it's crazy, kinda feel trapped by it all, i know i will adapt it's just i don't understand why humans are like that with each other.

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But this does not allow you to stop, we will consider it a plus :)

well Fill, you can have my 7 cents any day of the week. And along with that, I send my love and best wishes to you and dayleeo who are two totally lovely people, kicking against society's grain a bit which is ALWAYS a ball ache, and trying to find the BEST way to live your lives. Full respect. Have faith. And breathe MASSES of oxygen (thats what I try to do when I start feeling the burn, its the finest elixir! ) x

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cheers bro. doing my best to reset today, and every day until the next day! :)

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Thank you friend <3 and thank you for the reminder about oxygen, hanging on..

That sucks @teamhumble. I guess it's all life lessons. Yeah, work on the van idea :) ...wrong time of year though & harder when you have daughter & partner to look after. If it was just you you could buy a cheap van & just throw a sleeping bag in the bag & slowly make it home. Maybe one option would be to use the system for temporary support for a while... shared flat + benefits would seriously take the pressure off. I don't know how all that works, but you could be self-employed (so no need to prove you are searching for a job) & claim tax credits + housing benefit. Then....have a 6-month plan to build up & hit the road :)

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i won't claim anything from a system. nope.
just wanted to vocalize more than anything, get it off my chest, until it comes down to streaming from the street level! :) your right thou, another life lesson! :)

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Yeah, sorry...i'm always solutioneering & often all my role should be is just to shaddap & listen.

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nah it's all good. all valuable to the equation. it was a mad day but i'm still alive, still have heat and roof over my head, some people don't even have that. just need to be humble in the process of replacing funds and putting the hours in where needed.

I really feel for you :( society is all about self gain nowadays, especially here in the UK. Nobody seems to have any type of compassion, unless it means they will benefit from it. It must be hard having these feelings of anxiety, wanting to up sticks and go when you have a daughter that you obviously adore, but cannot take with you. I can't imagine how that feels. stay strong, something will hopefully come up and it will all fall into place

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it will fall into place or i will fall. either one is a certainty.

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There is always a way, try to stay positive

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roger that.

Big virtual hug!
This too shall pass.
Don't believe your thoughts today. You'll have better ones tomorrow.

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thank you. means a lot. we humans don't realise the impact of our words a lot of the time. money is after all just that money. will work through today, got my daughter shortly too for overnight.