in #anxietylast month (edited)

There were countless times that I tried to get a new job because the current one does not challenge me anymore. I particularly did an interview last year, got a very good feedback but ended up not hired while being ignored by the rest of the recruiters in the UAE. I would doubt myself and get really frustrated for being stuck at where I am now. My stubborn self would ask God many whys and insist that I only want growth and a new challenge, why wouldn't He give it to me...

I am also in a journey of healing from anxiety and depression that is caused by my parents' death last 2014. Ever since, the depression has taken a toll on me due to its many relapse over the years until it has become clinical. This is the reason why I am seeing a psychiatrist every month and medicating because it has caused chemical imbalance in my brain. People get anxious or depressed because of triggers namely life situations however that is not the case for me anymore. I get anxious and depressed randomly in the middle of a grocery shopping, while working, upon waking up or before bed time. I get triggered some times, most of the times I do not... so when somebody would ask me what happened, I'd say "nothing" - that's pretty much why it is an illness.

I couldn't sleep last night because of anxiety and I could already feel that it was leading to a panic attack - that was 4am. I had to pop a pill to calm me down and make me sleep however the pill would keep me asleep for long hours so I won't be able to work in the morning. I had to message my boss to explain exactly that and these are the times when God would make me understand why He has never allowed me to just jump to a different employer.

There are only few people within my circle who understands the clinical side of this illness and my boss is one of them. This exceptional lady has, in fact, studied it formally. And in those moments that she would remind me to not forget the breathing techniques and to have faith that it will pass and suggest to take the day off to relax and go to the beach... breathe... so tomorrow I can work effectively again... these are the exact moments when God would, again, open my eyes to see that He is indeed mindful of me and knows exactly where to place me at a very specific time.

Time and time again, I am the stubborn daughter while time and time again, God is the faithful Father. And I could be stubborn all I want but He is my faithful Father in heaven who honors His promises to those who surrendered their lives to His authority and accepted Him as their Lord and Savior. He governs the times and seasons, He created it.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:”
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:1‬ ‭ESV‬‬



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