I have anxiety and I'm ok
A Personal Story
Some time ago, when I was a younger man way back in the summer of 2008 I lost my job. By no fault of my own, you see it was 2008 and I was a Broker-Of-Sorts and there are those of us who speak of the time is if it was a war that we lost. A defeat we suffered.
The company I worked for seemed to disappear almost as if the city swallowed it up.
Empty offices multiplying. Suddenly I was sitting on my bed looking out the windows on a Monday morning with no job to go to. Lost amidst the waves. My bank account was in freefall and all I could think to myself was I will lose everything. It's gone I just don't feel it yet. I developed a kind of trauma along with a financial anxiety.
I felt frozen by fear and crushing worry unable to leave my apartment. So what did I do? I started to pay my doorman to run across the street and buy me vodka. For a while, the alcohol helped it calmed me and gave me a chance to forget. When I wasn't trying to distract myself I was going to job interviews and completely bombing them because of my anxiety.
Sometimes I wouldn't even make it to the interview, I would just sit in the lobby or ride the elevator and hoping not to be caught in some way, I was a mess.
I always considered myself to be a perceptive person so a part of me knew I was suffering from anxiety I was just afraid to face it at the time. It was a weakness, I thought it was something I could hide and maybe in time it will disappear. This was in no way a path to recovery or healthy way to manage my issues.For a while, it worked drinking at night and lying in the day. Although I still wasn't dealing with any issues and I wasn't really living. I started to see my relationships crumble I lost friends and lovers. I also lost my apartment and my car and most of what I used to own.
Blinded by denial and alcohol I found myself living in a broken down studio apartment on Chicago's west side, the current crime capital. It was there in that tight space surrounded by four off-white dirty walls and a small window that at night would let in the flashing blue lights of the police camera that hung on a light pole on the corner that I had my rock bottom moment.
I knew it was my sense of failure and paralyzing anxiety that lead me down this road. It was also my inaction, I had no real understanding of my illness. I felt I had the power to make only one decision at that time and that was to overcome my anxiety so that I would be free and strong enough to work on the other problems with my life.
I said to myself over and over ' I have anxiety and I'm ok'.
I said to myself over and over ' I have anxiety and I'm ok'. That was my first step towards understanding and my commitment to change. No part was easy and it took me years of discipline and meditation to learn how to control my anxiety and not let it control me. Years later I still have my moments where I am overcome but I think back and remember that I'm ok.Suffering from anxiety on the level that it is considered an illness is more common then you might know but you must try to remember that you are ok. There are many ways to deal with anxiety and you must be prepared to try many different things to find what works well with you. I hope the sharing of my story can help someone and if that someone is you then I must say to you, You have anxiety and you are ok.