Anorexia

 

It all started on the Summer of 2012. I gained 128 pounds standing on 4 feet 11 inches, I was overweight. I wanted to change my lifestyle, I wanted to lose weight. I started eating healthier and began exercising. I was happy with myself. I had lost ten pounds when school started. That was when it all changed. About two weeks in school, my friends offered me some Skittles, and I said no. "Why not?" They asked "I'm in a diet," That was when I made the mistake in telling them. Now, every time my friends would ask me if I wanted candy or chips one of them, always the same one, would say "Remember, she's in a diet" I would die a little every time she would say that.

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One day, on social studies, my friend was sitting on a chair with another girl. The girl, then le to sit with, if may I say, a bitch. Then I asked her. "Hey, can I sit with you?" "No." She said. "Why not?" "Just no." "But you let her sit with you." " Yeah but she's skinny." Those words stabbed me in my soul really hard. Almost crying I said "That is so mean!" "How?" She asked. "Nevermind." Then I walked away, I was holding back my tears. After that, I "accidentally" kept forgetting to eat breakfast. It made me feel better. But it was not enough. Every time I would go to the gym I would run miles on the treadmill. My aunt is kind of a body builder so she also helped me with some exercises. I had lost 12 pounds and I felt beautiful. I was happy. Even one time, I was walking and behind me there were some guys I knew from my old school. I think,think, one of the guys told the other one "She got skinny!" I got even happier. But then one day, my "so called friends" started to call me fat ass and stuff like that. One of them told me: "My family's fat, and look at me!" To be honest, she has the body of an eight-year-old boy. So I don't know what she was talking about. 

Also, one day, in lunch, there was pizza. I ate mine in less than three minutes "You were hungry, huh?" "Yep" I said. She said it in an understanding voice, not in a teasing way. Another friend gave me her pizza, the reason I was so hungry though was that I hadn't eaten anything since the day before. But my friend, same one that always reminded everyone I was on a diet, called me "golosa" which is fat ass in spanish. Since then I started to just get lunch but to throw it away, even though I know throwing food away is bad. Money in my family is scarce, so I decided to just not buy lunch. I did that for a while. 

 I had lost 20 pounds. But every time I looked in the mirror, I would see fat and ugly. Funny thing is, I didn't like what I saw in the mirror, but I still couldn't stop looking at it. My self esteem was very low, it still is. Then, this guy I knew, who I thought was my best friend, started making fun of me. In that way. One day I was hanging out with him and his best friend. Then all of a sudden one of those guys said: "Chunky!" He meant it to me. The other guy just laughed. Laughed like it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. Then I wanted to tell him that I starve myself. That I only eat one meal a day. That I don't eat sweets. That I will not drink something if it has any calories. That I might be Anorexic. But I just couldn't "I..... Mmmm.... I gotta tell you something." "I......" "I......" "You what?" Then I took my phone and began typing: "I don't eat breakfast nor lunch." The jerk who called me Chunky just stared at me for the whole time. I couldn't quite figure out what his reaction was. The other one just said: "Oh so you just wanna lose weight." "I've already lost 24 pounds." "Nah, you'll just gain them back." Right there, I wanted to punch him in the face so hard. I just couldn't. I just ran home and locked myself in the bathroom and cried.

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 The first person I told I had an eating disorder wasn't those jerks. It was a girl who is in my band class. I didn't really trust that person, but I felt so alone it didn't matter. I knew though, she had an eating disorder. I talked to her about how sad I was when another jerk made up a song of how fat I was it went something like this: Gorda, gorda manticosa, cara de babosa..... I don't really know the rest. The song wad in spanish but what he was saying was "fat bitch (or something like that), blubbery fat bitch, brat faced.... Or something like that. But it really hurt. Once in P.E. he sang that song and said "oh! Are you crying? Hey, look! She's crying!" Even though I was not crying he kept on saying this. Anyways, I became really close to this person. She kind of became my best friend. Better than the girls the girls I'd known for years. But you know what they say. Best friends are not the persons that have been there for a longest, but the persons that are there for you when you need them

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After I'd already lost those 24 pounds, one day, my friend brought Oreos to share with me because I'd given her a lot of candy for Valentine's Day. I was about to put it in my mouth (that's not what she said by the way) when that same girl who had always remind everyone I was on a diet said: "remember she's in a diet!" I stopped my hand and put the Oreo on my desk. Then she said: "Come on! I was just kidding! Just eat it!" But I couldn't. Then a girl who always called me fat, who by the way weight eight pounds more than me, took it and ate it herself. A girl then said: "You guys stop it! Y'all are gonna make her cry!" She said it to help. But it didn't help, it only made things worse than it was. Now everyone was looking at me. A洀er that, that girl kept telling me to eat. But I was, and am, too hurt. Not a billion "You're beautiful"'s are going to make me change.

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I was hanging out with a girl in lunch, I liked to hang out with her because she wouldn't judge me. One day, I was with her in the lunch line for company, and she asked me: "Why aren't you eating lunch?" "Because she thinks if she eats she''ll get fat." The girl who reminded everyone I was on a diet said. "Is that what this is all about?" She asked me. I shrugged. "Oh. My. God. Come, eat some of my food." I didn't really want to. But of course , when did I? "Why are you doing this?" "It's all because of him!" I pointed to the guy who had called me Chunky, and apparently that was my nickname from him. "What'd he do?" I told her about my nickname. "Oh my god. Let's go and slap him right now!" "Ummm... Okay." He was standing with two of his friends. "Ummm... You! Ummmm... What do I say?" "I don't know!" "mmm okay.... You! 

They all started laughing. I felt even worse. I just ran away and held back the tears. "Great" I thought to myself. "Even more people will make fun of me."

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One day, I was going to go to my friend's house. Everything was cool. Until she saw what I had in my phone. She saw that I was logged in into my secret Instagram account. It was about Anorexia, and it told how I was Anorexic. Then, I just broke down. It was the first time I cried in front of anyone. She said it was unhealthy and that I could die, but it's not like I don't know that! I mean, I'm not stupid! Then she said the most hurtful thing: "I don't like people who do that, and if you don't stop I'm not gonna be your friend anymore." Like she couldn't have said a nicer thing to say

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Up to today, I'm not fine. I cry everyday. I'm in a binge part of my life right now. But once spring break is over, my fasting is coming up again. I find school depressing but at least it gives me time to fast, because at home with nothing to do, I'm gonna gain weight