Sword Art Online Season 1 Episode 3 (A Satirical Recap)

That night Kirito goes to some kind of plain for... no reason really, I don't know. And Klein was there with his party killing some wolves and Klein was like, "why are you here?" and Kirito was like "Eh, I dunno." Kirito dodged an incoming bromance and went back to town only to receives a message from Keita that waifu number 2 is missing. Kirito is like "OMG is she dead?" and the writers are like "nope, not yet."

Kirito finds waifu number 2 under a bridge because... really there's no reason. (I mean really it's like a theme or something for this episode) Waifu number 2 is like, "I'm scared, I think I'm a die in the next few minutes." and Kirito was like "yeah you should really talk to the writers about that."

Kirito and waifu number 2 goes home, and waifu number 2 was like "can I sleep with you? and Kirito is like "wait do you want the D?" And waifu number 2 is like "no." After getting blue-balled that night the guild meets up, Keita went off to purchase the house while the others decided they should bust some nuts to get some money to buy some furniture. Kirito wanted to do the smart thing and kill some bugs again but the guild is like, "let's go to the higher level dungeons and be badasses because we're cool and badasses, we can definitely take them because we are badasses and will most likely not die, unless the writers think differently or something. BLACKCATS FOR LIFE!"

They go to the higher level dungeon and find a hidden door, inside the door was a treasure chest. Kirito figures out that this is a trap early but one of the party members is too stupid to listen. The chest is open and the doors are shut. The Room is surrounded by a dozen of miniature Tinys from DOTA 2 and dwarves Rejects from Suikoden .

They are boned. Things quickly fall apart, everybody dies (Who could have been seen that coming?) except Kirito because well he's over-leveled and everybody else sucks. Oh, and did I mention this all happened on Christmas Eve? Jesus this series dialed up the depression level to 11. Kirito meets up with a contact that night and finds out about an item that can supposedly resurrect a player. But, wait... what happened to the last remaining member of the guild Keita?

well shit, he killed himself.

Kirito Heads off to find the item which is being held by some kind of special events boss. On the way there he finds that Klein (and his party) is also there and is stalking him. Klein is like "bro you need me, I need you lets make love" and Kirito is like "shut up bitch imma revive my waifu."

All of a sudden the Knights of the round table appear and ambush the group. Klein was like "Go husbando, let us handle this, save your princess." Kirito got out of there and came face to face with the boss. It turns out the boss is father Christmas himself possessed by the devil.

I have no words.

Kirito literally beats up Christmas like the Grinch in steroids and gets the item, only to find out that the item can only work for people if the death itself happened in 10 seconds. Well shit, he's too late. He gives the item to Klein and disappears into the night. He stays at an inn where he received a future dated gift and message from waifu number 2. Waifu number 2 is like "hey bitch, I talked to the writers and found out I was going to die early and decided to give you blue-balls for life." And Kirito was like "well shit."

That's it for now, Join me again next time! On the next SAO SATIRICAL RECAP!

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