Handling Anger

There was once an angry man who hated everything. He hated his job, his home life, his outdated car, his worn down shoes even his trouble making kids at times; but most of all, he hated his neighbor who was always happy. His neighbor seemed to always have everything he wanted: a new car, a big house, honor roll kids, and a wife whose happiness matched his own. One day, as he stormed out of the house on his way to work, after a fight that the whole neighborhood heard, the happy neighbor waved with a smile and the angry man had had enough.
"HOW CAN YOU ALWAYS BE SO HAPPY?" He yelled as he got into his car and sped off to work.

The day went on, and the angry man finished his work and came home, his irritatingly happy neighbor outside waiting to greet him.
"Don't you torment me enough?" He sneered. The neighbor just took a deep breath an asked for a moment of the man's time.

"You asked me this morning how I'm always happy. The answer is, I'm not. I'm human just like you. I get sad, I get angry, I get anxious, and I get hopeless at times." The neighbor paused and held up a water bottle and a can of soda. The angry man looked confused.
"What would happen if I shook the can of soda?" Asked the neighbor.

The angry man, outraged at the simplicity of the question blurted out, "It would explode, of course. I'm not an idiot."

"And what of the bottle of water?"

The man furrowed his brow and said "Nothing! What's your point?"

The neighbor calmly explained that the circumstance was the same, each container received a shake, but the difference is the contents. Similarly, life is generally the same for all people: there is good and there is bad. He then continued by explaining that if you allow yourself to be filled with worry, hate, greed, and pride, you will react as the soda and be easily shaken to explosiveness, whereas if you allow yourself to be filled with hope, love, charity, and tranquility, you will react as the water and remain calm and steady no matter what shaking goes on.

"Life is going to shake you, but you get to choose what you are filled with."
And with that, the two neighbors parted ways into their homes.

This story is one I heard a few years ago at a seminar on stregthening relationships. The moral of the story isn't to bury your emotions like most people think you ought to do to keep the peace. It's understanding the deeper meaning behind the emotions you have and learning to explain them without expressing them. Let me explain.

My four year old son, Marshall, loves to push his boundaries and often, he manages to do so. When Marshall sticks his tongue out at his sister, I'm not angry because of what he is doing. What makes me angry is that he is being disrespectful. He is affecting his character, and in turn, affecting my own. The deeper emotion here is 'hurt' or 'worry'. I'm hurt that such a sweet little boy would do something so rude to his sister, and I'm worried that he may do it to someone else's child. If I expressed my anger, I may raise my voice about how he isn't listening, or about how he is being rude, or I may even punish him with a spanking or a timeout. However, when I explain to him that he is being rude and hurting his sister's feelings, I evoke the empathetic side of him. I bring to his attention that sticking our tongue out at people makes them feel sad or even scared sometimes. In my experience with my son, the second approach is much more effective.

The explain vs express approach can be easily transitioned between relationships, wether platonic, romantic, or otherwise. I challenge anyone who has read this to try and be water in a world full of sodas. Try to bring peace and tranquility to an already angry and explosive world. Not only will you help your own quality of life, but I promise it will influence all those around you as well.

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