I am hearing impaired in my dreams too now, it seems.

My evolving relationship with my hearing ( or lack of ) just leveled up to: DREAMS.

I'll start by making a short summary of my ever-degrading hearing.
I was a kid, 12 years old, when I had the particular bad luck of contracting meningitis. Very nasty disease that can affect any number of things as it attacks the brain...in my case, the weakness was - maybe - my hearing so that was the first to give up. I spent a few weeks in hospital and came back from the dead half-deaf.
A small miracle, the doctors said, this was close. A the saying goes: God protects the children and the drunks...

Sometimes, after all this...

After that, I had to learn to deal with my new situation. Needless to say, 12 years old kids can be mean :)
Still, as my hearing was just good enough to allow, in certain settings, normal interactions, it was alright. Some people didn't even know I was hearing impaired. But there was a little warning, always hoovering over my head:
"This can get worse at anytime and will certainly get worse in time" the doctors said.
Something to remember, that I often forgot and was painfully forced to remember last year...

Last year, I woke up one day with a runny nose, my sinuses flared and angry, and my ears ringing. It can happen and it did to me when I had a cold. But after a week i got worried. Went to doctors, took meds but the damage was done. Long story short I found myself facing almost total deafness. And so I had to get a hearing aid.

A weird thing was that for such a "dramatic" person that I tend to be, my reaction to all this depressing development was rather stoic. It was just something that was and I went through the motions:" testing hearing aids, looking for what I can afford but could also do the job - these things are fucking expensive - and hoping for the best.
Everyone around me was just as cool. It was a very bizarre time as all my friends and family had a very distinct approach to this " You'll be ok with the hearing aid. Nothing really changes..." and my reaction to it probably encouraged this. Yet, deep down, I knew that the change was monumental....and was preparing for a tectonic event in my life.

A hearing aid is a magical device. I kid you not, what this little peace of tech can do is beyond belief to me. I am incredibly fortunate to have been born in this age, now! Ten years ago, this piece of hardware didn't exist, not to mention the smart software that gives it life.
Yet, it has limitations. It is not natural hearing. It is hearing as interpreted by a machine. the little things get you the most...for example: I can not hear a whisper as a whisper anymore. Something so small and innocent, lost forever, a whisper in your ear.
The noises around me make the greatest difference in how well the aid does. It's hard to listen to headphones. Another little consequence that I regret enormously: I can not listen to podcasts anymore. It was a a small joy that meant a lot to me.

You see, when you can't hear you disappear. It often feels like you lose your presence as well. You become somewhat invisible because you can not participate. I was ready to fade out.

Going back to the title though - it isn't just clickbaity :) - my dreams were "normal" dreams of me doing stuff and talking with people and what not. But lately, I observed that this changed too.
Every time I remember a dream is about a misunderstanding or me trying to communicate with something and failing. After a few of these it downed on me that wow... I am hearing impaired in my dreams as well!

FUCK! That can't be good, can it?

But it led me ashtray...because if I think about it, there is no REAL reason for me not hearing in my dreams. I know how sounds should sound. I know what those people say - it's me, or part of me, who generates the conversation. In a way, the fact that I do no hear is a joke played on my by myself. It's a failure of mine to control my subconscious.

I'm wondering if I were to be uploaded into a new body, or a virtual reality, will I hear then?
Logic says yes, but experience seems to says that NO because I THINK I can't hear certain things in certain situations.
It's a pretty interesting thing to reflect on, especially with all the talk these days on how much do we actually perceive of our reality and if it's really the first reality or just a simulated one.

Which brings me to The Matrix.
When Agent Smith says that at first, the Matrix was an utopia but the human mind rejected it, I was rather taken aback. Back in 1999 when I first seen the movie [ holy cow, i'm so old ] I thought that was stupid, why would human do that?
Today, I think that makes perfect sense. We are so often the architects of our own misery. It's sick, infuriating and..humane.
Maybe I did reject my own "normal" dreams. But then, aren't dreams supposed to be idealized versions of our own lives? That's one meaning for sure.

I'm going to try to correct them. I am not sure how, but i think it could be a cool experiment to try to control the dream and just yell " LISTEN! " in the middle of a bizarre dreamy situation. Maybe it will, maybe not...well, probably not :)

Anyway, that's not a sad story. Or at least, it should not be.It's just interesting to me to see how I'll evolve and change as my battle with SILENCE goes on. I'll try to report on this as it happens, from the front row of this battlefield.

My and my hearing aid
Thank you for reading.