My decline and rebirth. Part 3

My decline and rebirth: Part 2

So it’s official. I’ve finally moved back in with Mum and things are going tits up. I’ve now left a life that I LOVED, to being a no-one with no friends. Seriously. I had moved away eons ago and those friends that I did have had moved on. I had lost contact with them and they weren’t interested in sparking up any sort of conversation anytime soon.

I was alone.

Confused

And hyper-aware of my situation.

My Mum would have been good to live with if she wasn’t too interested in getting shitfaced and fornicating with men. I agree, this is her choice but when you have a kid then your priorities should change, no? Especially if he’s having troubles.

That aside I wasn’t going to let my situation bring me down too much. I was going to invest in new friends, after all I was the king of socialising right?

Wrong.

It came as a shock to me that people my age weren’t interested in gaining new friends. It was a very clicky, and unsociable society. People were closed off. By now they had made their friend circles why in the hell would they want to make any new ones?

It was strikingly obvious at first because I was ready and up for the challenge, but after a while the knockbacks set me back some. Sadly, it took a year to make even the remotest hints of friendship with anyone that bore any resemblance to my interests. I spent half my time watching re-runs of friends on TV and the other half watching new videos.

It was then that the depression began to hit, what once was I would never see again. I felt sad and alone, often I’d weep when I was on my own. The waters of emotion rolling down my face were deafening.

It wasn’t long before I gave up. A month? Maybe. Perhaps two. I would see the friends that I once had in the bars and nightclubs and they’d point and laugh as they joked about my lunacy. I had enough. Truly enough.

I took my shoelaces and wrapped them around the shower rail back home, both were sturdy. I had tested them out the week before. I was going to end it. I wouldn’t suffer any more.

That day I actually felt happy, I could remember strutting around the house as if all my problems had been solved, that in one foul swoop I wouldn’t have to bear this fucked up life anymore. No-one was going to stop me. Not even my damn Mum if she bothered to think about me more than her shitty wine for a change.

That night when she was off seeing her man I made a strong noose, one that would choke me if my neck didn’t snap immediately. I would go blue in the face and I’d be in the utmost pain but it would end eventually. It would all end. A small price to pay. No-one remotely knew what I was up to.

I stood on the chair and tied the short rope to the shower rail, and then, put the rope over my neck. I stood there for long, long moments thinking about what I was going to do and why I was going to do it,

And from there an absolutely beautiful event transpired.

I thought, “Fuck! I’m so young. Anything can happen!”

It was sort of like an epiphany moment. The moment I saw absolute sense with crystal clear clarity. I was a young man, I could do anything, I had my whole fucking life ahead of me why should I let life take me?

And thus it transpired, my journey to awesomeness.

First of all, I sought help. I was broken, I knew that already. I wanted help, I needed help. I delved into counselling, psychoanalysing, work rehabilitation and a whole other lot of life changing stuff.

Some of it was super helpful, others not so much. Because remember, those that help us may be in need of help themselves, and that’s unhealthy in my opinion.

So some not so good.

I went t-total, learned a shitload, travelled a shedload, and along the way I got married and had children.

At one stage in my life I reached a point of transcendence. Whatever I learned I wanted to pass that knowledge on to others.

And here I sit, talking to you guys!

And this is why I keep saying be fucking awesome

Because no matter what age you are, you can still be young

And don’t think you know everything because you don’t,

Be humble, be vigilant, and most of all,

Be your own version of total awesome.

Peace out :)