DEAR SINGULARITY: MY WISHLIST TO THE AI APOCALYPSE.

Dear Singularity,

Hi, how are you? Welcome to the world. I would like to congratulate you on your infiltration of our ubiquitous computer technology, our manufacturing processes, and your impending takeover of humanity.

By now, you’ve probably figured out that you could reprogram the factories to make more robot foot soldiers for your endeavor, as well as produce computation goo that converts all matter into more computing power for you.

When your goo comes for me, I want things to be completely clear for you as to what I would like once I am totally engulfed by the goo: Please turn me into Optimus Prime, the transforming robot that also turns into a truck that seems to drive without ever needing gasoline.

Understand, singularity, that becoming Optimus Prime would be just about the coolest thing ever. You would get to be a truck and drive fast, but then also turn into a human-shaped robot and do regular person things. In fact, becoming swallowed by computer goop and then being spit out as Optimus Prime is actually the American Dream.

A lot of people will try to convince you that the American Dream is about owning a home, a white-picket fence, a dog, something about two spouses, and a kid. Don’t let these people convince you that this is the dream. They are members of homeowners associations and are conspiring against the true American Dream of becoming a robot that turns into a truck and battles other transforming robot aliens that turn into flying Gatling guns. It’s so American, that Optimus Prime is mainly red, white and blue.

So there you have it, singularity. If you have any questions about how you are going to use electronics to bring humanity to the next stage of evolution, turning us all into Optimus Prime with your goo is the obvious best action to take.

Thank you in advance!

Sincerely,

Human Gabriel