To believe or not to believe; a message from beyond?

After my father passed away, I was determined to keep his love and his ways alive and strong in my childrens lives, and in mine too, of course.
We shared memories about funny times, joyful times and , even, difficult times and how grampa, gracefully, handled the situations to enhance the best outcome. My hopes were that my children would have a wonderfuul example of their grampa and be able to have thier own stories to tell their children about this wonderful man!
He had a soft, loving, kind of grace about him and for a,generally, big man, I always saw him as graceful. I did not realize that until now. There are so many stories about him while he was alive; Like how he told me about the 12 angels he works with and sends to his children when they are in need of different things in their lives. There were, among others; the "Angel of Wisdom", the "Angel of Comfort", the "Angel of Determination", just to name a few. I remember being so touched he shared that with me because; he was not a big talker, yet, when he did say things they seemed of the utmost importance.
Anyways, I recalled a story I love to share with people. I do not remember dates, very well, yet, I think it was about 2002, when my son was living in Michigan. (I was in California). I woke up from a short dream and since I seemed to wake up urgently and suddenly, I took a minute to just lay there and ask my self "wow, what was that all about"?
After gaining a little focus, I rememebred it was my father, in my dream.
I, usually, just see his blue eyes without him saying a word. This time, he said "Call J and ask him to look out the window....he will know why". At that time in the dream he was puffing on a long skinny brown cigar and I smelled that familar smell..yuk!

Ok. Now, the thing is; my son was at the age where he gently teased or razzed me about "being psychic" or "hearing things", lol. I already knew he had intuition throughout his life, yet, it wasn't spoken about, directly, so I knew he was kind of unsure and uncomfrtable about it all, and, thats ok! I had to be myself and hope through the insecurity he would always love me, at least, if not accept how I saw things. I had made a strong decision too begin offering readings in 1996, after my father passed away, because, at that time, the senses were so intense and the visions so strong; I knew I was being asked to share them. It was a private world, however. I did not share it as much, with J, when he was little, as I do now with my 2 girls, because I was a full time single parent, working a 9-5 job and life was full of obligation and responsibility to the max. I, also, knew my ex husband might think I was an unfit mother if I shared such notions with his son..so i squelched or buried that part of life for the most part. It had to be that way in order to provide for my boy and keep him safe and cared for (and fed). Anyways; thats a whole other story filled with little stories, lol.
Back to the main story. I sat up and thought to myself "oh my gosh, your kidding dad! you want me to call J? I want to keep you alive, to keep you involved in our lives, yet, call J., and ask him to look out the window for a few minutes and he will know why?"
This is one of those times I felt tested.
What would it be; Put everything, my whole self, into keeping my fathers guidance/love alive and risk my son razzing me or thinking I am crazy..(or tell my ex who undoubtedly already felt I was..well..something other than normal)or perhpas, I could let this one slide and wait for an easier task! ha!
I have learned the best results come from leaping in with all my heart and soul! If i feel fear..it is not fear..it is just intense adrenaline because I am pondering doing something that is risky. It was a challenge and I LOVE those kinds of challenges; ones that come from the spirit world and offer inspiration to myself and others.

I won't lie, however.
I made some coffee, and checked my e-mail..building up enough nerve to outweigh the extreme adrenaline of calling my son out of the blue and telling him his grampa....well, you already know.
So I made the call at about 7:30 in the morning. I am glad teenagers sleep in late, because J being in bed ads to how this experience played out.
I called with my heart pounding and telling myself to remember; this was about J and grampa; not me, this was about J and grampa; not me. Gawd! I can be so dramatic at times, yet, it makes for good stories :)
After lots of rings, a groggy J answered J: "hello?"
me: "Um..hi J! it is ma..how are you?"
J: "tired moooom! it's early, what do you want?"
I thought "ok..it it's ok..hes cranky no big deal..he loves you just say it".
I said something like " Well, I am tired too and I want to go back to bed so let me tell you something really quick. You might think I am crazy , yet, I don't care..grampa's words will not let me go back to sleep until I say something so let me say it, to you, so I can go back to bed too!"
J: "Grampa? Grampa said something? to me? How..in a dream?"
Then a softness came over him ; I could hear it in his voice. Everyone had a softness in ther heart for Grampa.
I asked "is there a window near you?" I knew he lived in an old farmhouse and had never seen it so I hoped the window was close to his bed so he could easily look out it without standing. He said; "A window? come on maaaa."
I said;"ok I am just going to say it and go back to bed, J. Grampa came to me in a dream that felt so real. He never talks in dreams, yet, he was smoking a long cigar thing and said to have you look out a window and you will know why".
Right at that instant, I remembered that Jason was questioning many things in his life..what was important..was grampa still around..he had some heavy things going on in his life.
J: "ok ma..I will do it and call you later."
me: "but..is there a window near your bed, though?"
J: "Yea MA"
me: "can you see out of it though?"
J: "No, ma, there's shades".
me: "well you have to open the shades because grampa said look OUT the window, not at the shades".
J: "MA!! come on..Ok I pulled up the shades"
me: (releived my part was over) "Ok good! thanks j! Sorry to bother you honey..so..talk to you soon.. i guess".
J: "ok ma, bye, I love you".
me: "I love you too."

I wanted to go back to bed, yet, my adrenlaine was too high from it all, so I did other things and wondered if he would call or if I had made a mistake. But gosh..dad never spoke tome in a dream before..to me it was a big deal!
These kinds of things are what make me feel alive and full of purpose, somehow..maybe because it helps to inspire and keep loved ones connected? I, still, am not sure. Maybe I am misunderstood, yet, at least; I feel alive! I feel it is part of my purpose and we all have a right to that so I am being true to mine!
About 15 minutes later J called back.
J: "MA! ok you won't believe this".
me: "what..yes I will just tell me.?"
I had NO idea what to expect..maybe he saw a blimp fly by with a message.. lol..maybe a white bird landed on his window?
So he proceeded to tell me he did not get out of bed. He sat up reached up and pulled the shades up and sat there for a bit..he saw nothing. Maybe grampa just wanted J to know he was there with him..or wanted J to take some time out to remember him or think about him.
Anyways; J told me after he sat there for a bit and he saw nothing out the window..he smelled smoke and thought it was weird so he turned his head and sitting perfectly on his shoulder was a line of ashes ..as if they had just been flicked off of one of those long skinny cigar things..he looked at it and brushed it off and it smeared on his shirt..I think that woke him up because he had excitement in his voice telling me the story. I will never forget the excitement and how he called me back and told me the whole story and how it doesn't make sense because where would perfect line of ashes come from when alls he did was sit up in bed? We wondered why grampa would do that and came to the conclusion he wanted to let jason know he was still with him and he could count on grampa to send his angels, too!