Excerpt: As we grow and expand our awareness to allow more aspects of who we are to be assembled, new people come into our life. This leaves us in confusion. On the one hand, we were trained on merits like monogamy, honesty, and fidelity. On the other hand, we feel a strong impulse to connect with those other people. What to do? Is there a middle way where we can still be married to one person and have relationships with others? And what type of relationships?
I am confused in my mind and need your advice.
A year ago I broke up with my boyfriend but after six months we began our relationship again. I was very happy then as I am today. We live together and are planning our wedding soon. But, there is a small problem:
During those six months, I met a guy who I liked a lot. Nevertheless, nothing came out of it due to technical reasons and even if it did, it would not be a serious relationship. I still see him from time to time, mostly in social gatherings, and each time I get excited anew. I am very happy with my boyfriend but I also find I am envious when I see the new guy speaking to another woman. I find myself secretly wishing that somehow we will become more than casual friends who hardly ever see each other. What is it with me? What should I do about it?
You still love your boyfriend, you said it yourself. Your problem, generated by your mind and not by your heart, is caused by imprisoning beliefs taught to you during your life. Many people think that the only person in their life should be their spouse; meaning, they should not encounter/befriend/mingle with/associate with anyone but their spouse. However, such a belief is limiting for the spirit and not appropriate. Human beings that we meet are there to help us in our growth and as such cannot be ignored or banned from the outset.
You are going through a natural phase in every individual’s personal growth. The new guy reflects a new aspect within you that was so far left untouched and unexplored by you. Being a new opportunity to experience social interaction between human beings – neither romantic nor sexual in nature, for you admit that you only want him as a friend and that you love your boyfriend – it’s reasonable that you would find it exhilarating and hence would want to develop it further.
The door is open for you now to explore what characteristics the new guy has that attract your curiosity. Is it something in his behavior? The way he speaks? The thoughts he expresses? It is not about comparing him to your future husband but comparing what he presents to you and then to bring what you like into your relationship. For instance, you may find out that you like his self-reliance and the way people respond to his presence. If so, begin developing within yourself, and later with your boyfriend, that feeling of self love and confidence that you see in that new inspiring guy.
Having multiple relationships
Polyamory, from the consciousness point of view, is a natural expression of the soul-self in our physical plane, which is twisted by old norms and (religious) dogmas, and therefore seen by many as an immoral act. It is unnatural to be engaged in a relationship with one person for an entire lifetime. The soul has many aspects ("in my father's mansion there are many rooms") which must be explored. The natural way for exploration in a world of duality which we live in is by interacting with other people. What type of interaction? how deep should it go? How long should it last? It is for you to decide.
I am indifferent about polyamory as a practice, and I will say it again - there is absolutely nothing wrong in living this lifestyle, and there should be no shame whatsoever in the hearts and minds of those who choose this. In some parts of our current societies, polyamory is, unfortunately, often mentioned as a form of sexual deviation that harms the foundations of the society. Such statements fail to see the consciousness behind the phenomenon.
Let us respect the choices of our fellow human beings while remembering that we are sovereign also and can - should - must - make our own decisions for ourselves. Some people can explore themselves while maintaining a relationship with one and only person while other people must have opposite experiences.
Each person should make clear decisions about what serves them best**. Since you are choosing to be wed and be involved in a committed relationship to one person, then, in the long run, you must set your limits; meaning, make sure that these new explorations and the time spent in the company of that new guy will not take the place of your developing marriage. In the new adventure aim to enrich your relationship with your spouse and not to serve as a substitute for whatever you may find lacking in your marriage.
Crystal, it is highly recommended in such situations to share with your boyfriend, whom you love and trust, what you are doing so he would not feel threatened by the time you spend with the new guy. The best scenario would be if the two of you would investigate the new aspect together and by that enrich your own life and togetherness. That can happen, however, if and only if you are both mature, self-confident in your love and have trust for each other and for yourselves.