"I fancy a guy that I met. Have I stopped loving my boyfriend?" - Some words about polyamory

in advice •  8 months ago

Excerpt: As we grow and expand our awareness to allow more aspects of who we are to be assembled, new people come into our life. This leaves us in confusion. On the one hand, we were trained on merits like monogamy, honesty, and fidelity. On the other hand, we feel a strong impulse to connect with those other people. What to do? Is there a middle way where we can still be married to one person and have relationships with others? And what type of relationships?

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credit:mugda sujyot

Hi,

I am confused in my mind and need your advice.

A year ago I broke up with my boyfriend but after six months we began our relationship again. I was very happy then as I am today. We live together and are planning our wedding soon. But, there is a small problem:

During those six months, I met a guy who I liked a lot. Nevertheless, nothing came out of it due to technical reasons and even if it did, it would not be a serious relationship. I still see him from time to time, mostly in social gatherings, and each time I get excited anew. I am very happy with my boyfriend but I also find I am envious when I see the new guy speaking to another woman. I find myself secretly wishing that somehow we will become more than casual friends who hardly ever see each other. What is it with me? What should I do about it?

Crystal


Crystal,

You still love your boyfriend, you said it yourself. Your problem, generated by your mind and not by your heart, is caused by imprisoning beliefs taught to you during your life. Many people think that the only person in their life should be their spouse; meaning, they should not encounter/befriend/mingle with/associate with anyone but their spouse. However, such a belief is limiting for the spirit and not appropriate. Human beings that we meet are there to help us in our growth and as such cannot be ignored or banned from the outset.

You are going through a natural phase in every individual’s personal growth. The new guy reflects a new aspect within you that was so far left untouched and unexplored by you. Being a new opportunity to experience social interaction between human beings – neither romantic nor sexual in nature, for you admit that you only want him as a friend and that you love your boyfriend – it’s reasonable that you would find it exhilarating and hence would want to develop it further.

The door is open for you now to explore what characteristics the new guy has that attract your curiosity. Is it something in his behavior? The way he speaks? The thoughts he expresses? It is not about comparing him to your future husband but comparing what he presents to you and then to bring what you like into your relationship. For instance, you may find out that you like his self-reliance and the way people respond to his presence. If so, begin developing within yourself, and later with your boyfriend, that feeling of self love and confidence that you see in that new inspiring guy.

Having multiple relationships

Polyamory, from the consciousness point of view, is a natural expression of the soul-self in our physical plane, which is twisted by old norms and (religious) dogmas, and therefore seen by many as an immoral act. It is unnatural to be engaged in a relationship with one person for an entire lifetime. The soul has many aspects ("in my father's mansion there are many rooms") which must be explored. The natural way for exploration in a world of duality which we live in is by interacting with other people. What type of interaction? how deep should it go? How long should it last? It is for you to decide.

I am indifferent about polyamory as a practice, and I will say it again - there is absolutely nothing wrong in living this lifestyle, and there should be no shame whatsoever in the hearts and minds of those who choose this. In some parts of our current societies, polyamory is, unfortunately, often mentioned as a form of sexual deviation that harms the foundations of the society. Such statements fail to see the consciousness behind the phenomenon.

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credit: flickr

Let us respect the choices of our fellow human beings while remembering that we are sovereign also and can - should - must - make our own decisions for ourselves. Some people can explore themselves while maintaining a relationship with one and only person while other people must have opposite experiences.

Each person should make clear decisions about what serves them best**. Since you are choosing to be wed and be involved in a committed relationship to one person, then, in the long run, you must set your limits; meaning, make sure that these new explorations and the time spent in the company of that new guy will not take the place of your developing marriage. In the new adventure aim to enrich your relationship with your spouse and not to serve as a substitute for whatever you may find lacking in your marriage.

Crystal, it is highly recommended in such situations to share with your boyfriend, whom you love and trust, what you are doing so he would not feel threatened by the time you spend with the new guy. The best scenario would be if the two of you would investigate the new aspect together and by that enrich your own life and togetherness. That can happen, however, if and only if you are both mature, self-confident in your love and have trust for each other and for yourselves.


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It is unnatural to be engaged in a relationship with one person for an entire lifetime.

I would also like to add that polyamory can be (somewhat) compared to having multiple offsprings. People often ask me if I love one of my three partners more than the other two. I then ask them if they think their parents loved their siblings more, or if they have a preferred child of their own.

Only once you fully understand that is unreasonable and cruel to expect one single person to attend to ALL your needs for ALL your life can you allow yourself to have meaningful relationships with other people. They don't have to be romantic or sexual, but allowing yourself to experience emotional intimacy with multiple individuals can truly contribute to one's growth. You don't have to sleep with 3 people to be polyamorous, you need to fully and completely love them and be loved back.

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"they don't have to be romantic or sexual"

Important to note.
Thanks for your valuable comment 🙏

It siMply depends upon your feelings..after reading your post some important conclusive points are:
...it is not like you dislike your boyfriend now,but you still love him.
...you dont see that guy as your future husband or your dont have such feelings for him.
... Your feelings for him indicates that you want him as a friend.
All the above points are clear and does'nt indicate any fakeness or anything with your boyfriend....
It is not necessary that you have boyfriend and you can't like some other persons character..it is just a quality which gives you a good feeling on seeing him as far as you are happy with your boyfriend... IMO ...it is just a normal thing as one of your solid point is that "i am happy with my boyfriend",with this thing in mind you can like anyone's behaviour or quality and there will be no effect on your relation..best of luck ahead..
Thanks@nomad-magus for such posts, these posts dont only inspire ,but teaches some important life facts and widen one's mind to a great extent.

If your feelings flutter its not love it could be called in a better sense infatuation. Now if your really are in love you would never need any other relation. What for? Why would you need it? There is no excuse. Love is a strongest joy and yet it is wildest woe. Infatuations should not be mingled with love... Love of course doesn't see qualities in a person. If you start loving someone for qualities its not love its liking the quality.

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This is a romantic perspective on relationships which I for one really love, although I know it's somewhat naive. You see, people can tremendously love several people at the same time. It's true though, and my experience tells me, that when one reaches a state of wholeness the urge to connect with other people dissipates.
Thanks for your valuable comment, mate 👍

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As i already said loving for qualities is not love its liking that quality. So it would be injustice to love if we call we love many a people. Love for sure is eternal and divine. You fall into love not are you dragged into love... Pleasure is all mine having such a good conversations with you.

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Some people would argue that the type of love you refer to, beyond qualities, is too sublime for the physical world... And only in dreams we often can experience that.

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The definition for love i gave does exist. It's not only in dreams that you can experience. Mostly one sided love is of such kind... Because when its one sided you do it unconditionally.

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I know, my friend, that such love you will experience, if not already, and it will not be one sided.

Dear @nomad-magus ... I read this entire post,
what I understand is Crystal has one bf and than they leave each other and Crystal meet other guy in these months... so so so
My suggestion for Crystal is- to be confident on your love and analyse who give you more respect than other and also see who is your real care taker. Who can put himself in danger for you... because marriage is not one day business it is the Iife time engagement.
another thing that you discussed is that one person not to be limited for only their spouse. In our society we have act on this no one is permitted to love, sex or even meet for that purpose to any one. Our religion and norms bound us for that.

For me a man who when in say likes my favorite ma man, tapih like me as friends and friends who are friends already lau natural like crazy. What I like is my own girlfriend is the woman of my dreams. If it was said to be my own polyamore a man was impossible and impossible for me.

marriage is a very sacred rule, there is no game there, only feelings and loyalty are badly needed, if the couple is always faithful and always open fellow couples, it will be happiness until continuity at the end of your age

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So you are saying that if she really loved her fiance she would not fancy the other guy in the first place...

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if she really loves her fiance, why not?
precisely if the two love each other and really share, there is no storm that can separate them, like the story of romeo and juliet. really very inspired

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You do remember how Romeo and Juliet's story ended, dont you? 😌

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yes, really tragic.
that's love 😍all can not get in the way, they know if they split up and live with other people, then their life is like a walking corpse. yes, they think it is better for them to end now, though God does not want it, they hope so but they are disobedient

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Stubborn humans 😏

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Hehehe...
stubborn like a germ on my dirty shirt

For instance, you may find out that you like his self-reliance and the way people respond to his presence. If so, begin developing within yourself, and later with your boyfriend, that feeling of self love and confidence that you see in that new inspiring guy.

I love how you explained this. This is a very controversial topic and you did it justice..

Crushes can continue throughout your lifespan.You don’t just stop having them because you’re in a relationship. It’s natural, when you’re around someone a lot, to develop feelings

Everything in our present society is changing. What do you say about the relationship with him, the relation that you first mentioned, is that the tie is getting longer. They are not following any religion, nation, and sociality. No one knows how long it will go.

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Such situations, BTW, are a great opportunity to train the super intuition I mentioned in a previous post. Just to feel what would be right for one at this point in time.

Someone can be friends because they say that it will go into another relationship, but this is not right. Love comes from the mind, so the mind should do what it wants, but it certainly understands socialization. All the social norms are not the same, but there are different types of social regulation. Many relationships can never bring happiness to anyone. Just like a man is enough to love.

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Nothing can bring happiness but one's own self.
I agree that there are many different norms but I hope that we, as humanity, are stepping towards unification when it comes to our perspectives of life. We tried doing this with the establishment of religions, but we all know what came out of this. Now it's our second chance. Hope we don't blow it up.

I don't think she is in love with any of them. I don't call it love, infatuation it maybe. No love.

What type of interaction? how deep should it go? How long should it last? It is for you to decide.

I don’t think Crystal is ready to get married! She still doesn’t know what she wants if she is asking these questions. Just like you mentioned “it is for you to decide” If I could advice her, she should wait with her wedding, otherwise these type of marriages end in disaster. She may love her boyfriend now, but would you do something that completely changes your lifestyle and still have regrets, second thoughts? Im not an advisor, but that’s what I feel. If they let be each other...

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Unless she and her spouse choose a polyamory (type of relationship)...

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That is only temporarily solution. Long term it still ends in disaster. I can almost guarantee.

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They both need to be in a certain type of consciousness, indeed.

I really love this session of yours, the way you give advice, I love it, Crystal should share this thing with her boyfriend for their healthy relationship. Its the mind which is playing games with her

lol that's a love triangle, very common now a days.... 😜

love is a spritual fact. Only enormous mind can love..........

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Mind or heart? 🤔

I think everyone wants to have more than one wife.
is not that lust there? ha ha ha
in religion we may have more than one wife with permission of first, fair, Etc.

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In past times a man had several wives mostly for economic reasons.
Lust could play a role too, and thank, god things have changed....

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so true,
most people today economic and lust more in priority,
depending on his faith.

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this aint any easy task polyamory isn't easy.
U have to keep track of exactly which bad jokes you've used up on each partner.. lol

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Haha...
Easy fix for this - have your partners speak different languages 😉

thank you for the lessons given @nomad-magus

I beleive coming of new people in our lives doesnot make the importance of existing people in our life to fade away, because if we put our heart on someone truly we will hardly notice anyone.

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This is true if both people change. It happens often than one person grows while the other refuses which leads to conflicts that not always can be tolerated.

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I agree, because we humans are victims of hedonic adaptation and finally a relationship ends either by boredom or cheating.

Yes people do have their own choices and it's good, but also they can't throw it to the others who find it as a deviation from a true relationship... Ones emotions should be respected and so should be their beliefs... As for the polyamory , it is good if the relationship between the two partners isn't affected I think....

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Yes, Everyone has to make a clear decision about what is best for her. and we must respect each other. Thanks for the advice @noman-magus