I was reading an article about the ACLU defending Milo Yiannopoulos, and earlier today I was reading a Twitter stream about why Joey is a better match for Rachel than Ross was. Yesterday I was in an acting class where someone called themselves a beta male.

In that Twitter feed, the author mentioned that one of the problems with the "nice guys" trope is the idea that a man "earned" a partner by being a nice guy. And then it talked about all the jealousy and manipulation that Ross did in their relationship.

Now, I've realized for some time now that I was excessively obsessed with prudish beliefs about what people should and shouldn't do when I was a younger adult. I had strong opinions about classically agreed -upon "bad things" and tried to manipulate people's behavior to get them not to smoke, drink or have sex. I've known for some time now that this was not a great way for me to have been, but it's just today that I put together the thoughts on WHY I thought that, and what I can teach a child to keep them from getting stuck in that kind of thought-trap.

As a child, we are trying to figure out how the world works. At a very young age, we figure out things like object permanence and so on. As we get older, we learn some nuance about language, and we might study and experiment with more complex objects.

We're also trying to figure out society and personal behavior. Some of us (maybe all of us?) are making rules for society. Some of them are flexible and apply in different social situations. Do you always curtail your cussing? Do you always interest yourself in the plights of others?

But what happens is, as you become an adult, instead of knowing that you're still figuring them out, you start to decide that you must have some things figured out. Maybe you wrap these rules into your self-identity, your belief that the world works a particular way, your belief that in order for society to function well, certain behaviors are demanded from each citizen, and that other people are WRONG.

That's where the trouble comes in. There aren't really rules. My right to decide what you should have done ends where you begin.

Of course, it's more complicated than that. If we both have to be in the same room, and you want to smoke, and I don't want to be in a room with smoke, as a society, we can decide who has the right to do what they want. But I can't decide that all by myself.

I still think it's important to be on time. It's important for me. But if someone is chronically late, I'm not going to change them by complaining. I can choose not to work with them. If there's some larger society that we both belong to, it can decide if there are other consequences to their chronic lateness. I can contribute to that discussion, but I should not feel resentful or anguished or like the world has betrayed me by letting me know that people are different.

My most shameful memory (I probably have many most shameful, but this is the one that comes up and I push down a lot because of how ashamed I am) is of my reaction to learning that someone I liked was more sexually experienced than I. I tried to make her feel bad. I mean, that's not what I said to myself I was doing, but it's clear to me in retrospect. These are the things Ross did to Rachel. And the storyline of Friends seems to indicate that this is evidence of his love and devotion to her. And we learn time again from media that people WANT us to be jealous.

Summation

So what I want my kid to learn is this: Feel free to make and adjust rules for behavior that work for you, but there are no "rules" (i.e. no one right way to be). Punishing people for breaking the "rules" probably won't lead you to greater happiness. Feel free to adjust your rules as you learn more about yourself and the world.

I didn't think of the things I had absorbed as "rules". I just knew that I felt bad about other people's behavior. I don't know exactly what to do about that, except to be a little more patient with my feelings, let myself have them without expressing them, and then ask myself if they were truly justified.

I guess it's all complicated. People are complicated. The thing to learn is, just because someone says or does things you think are awful, doesn't mean they themselves are awful. They just maybe have created different rules for themselves. Maybe their way of interpreting the world will make the world a worse place, but your place is not to punish them for that. Maybe help them see things differently, but not punish.

So to the fellow who believes in the rules of Alpha Male Beta Male thinking, I see you. I know you're hurting. I think that you've created (or absorbed) some rules that don't really reflect how society functions even if specific examples sometimes make it seem like they do. I don't think Ross is a Beta Male and Joey is an Alpha Male; I think Ross is often self-centered, and Joey is more likely to make you laugh.

May we all find an anarchy that works for us. We're all making it up as we go along.

-@improv