MY PRISON - THE MEMOIRS OF AN ADDICT
It's not often I go on the Steemit platform glorifying anything related to drug abuse and the long standing issues which follow, but today I am making an exception. Not in the sense of glorification of addiction, but more of recovery. I myself have had a long standing battle with addiction, mainly due to traumas in life that were nearly unbearable to have the ability to think upon. During my lowest times in addiction, I crafted an original hip hop song, titled "My Prison". This article is a brief introduction into that as well as my initiative I am going to head that is in support of the toughest battle any addict will face, recovery. Please, read on....
My name is Devon and I have been an addict and alcoholic for over 15 years of my natural life
The vast majority of my youth, starting at the age of 13, I began to drown out life traumas by using drugs and alcohol in copious amounts. I was considered a God among men in the circles I traveled with, due to my tolerance, which statistically has always been at least 4x higher than the typical human toxicity rate. I started my downward spiral in the bottle, adopting a family gene called alcoholism, kindly passed down many generations to me. That was just the beginning of a lifelong battle that nearly claimed my life on several occasions and ingrained traumatic experiences in my head that I will never be able to brush off. This is how it started....
By the age of 15 I was regularly using alcohol and was addicted to prescription pills such as benzos and opiates, long before the large scale epidemic we see today. My home life was so shattered that I felt I was not loved and had no family, causing me to flee my home and escape to the streets of Baltimore, MD. Landing in the murder capitol of the USA was not an easy task, but I found a sense of family with people I met and shortly after was engaged in organized crime which helped fuel my drug addiction. By the age of 16, I had added a new drug to my roster, cocaine. Though I never freebased it or "smoked crack", I found something in using it that made me feel invincible. It wasn't long before my favoritism to the drug pulled me into large scale distribution.
By the age of 18 I was a kingpin drug dealer and a very heavy user of cocaine. I had so much at any time, a virtually endless supply to feed my addiction and business ventures. I was at this time partying heavily, consuming at some points well over 7 grams in a 6 to 8 hour period, to myself. One night when partying with some of my associates in what we called "the compound", I went above and beyond the call of duty. I had done roughly 10 grams to myself, nearly a half ounce, of high quality raw cocaine withing a very small time frame. Mind you the average human toxicity rate is approximately 1 gram in an hour period, from information I have received in the past. I suffered my first and almost life ending overdose.....this was one of the most physically painful things I have ever experienced. I never received medical treatment, however we had someone with an adrenaline shot and proper medical training paid to be ready to impact my heart at any minute. This was a brief eye opener....but it did not break the cycle as you would think.....
One would think nearly killing themselves would change their mind, right? Wrong....
I spent five days incapacitated on the couch in that place under constant watch. The physical recoup was completely miserable, to be honest I had wished I was going to die. I pulled through, from what Godly intervention or miracle I cannot explain. Being the sick individual I was, trapped in my own prison of addiction, I jumped right back on the horse. Though I consumed less, I still kept using and pushing my life to it's limits. In the next year I suffered two more severe drug overdoses, one of which basically had killed me, but I somehow managed to pull myself free from it as well. It's insanity the way we addicts can go through such things and still go running back to our love at the time, addiction. It had gotten to the point where I felt lost, like I had no hope and that I would never be more than what I was. I continued trafficking and using. It wasn't until I was 20 that I finally broke the cycle once with heavy use when depression and addiction claimed the only person in my life close enough to be my brother, Kenny. Due to a drug enraged fit combined with feelings of inadequacy and deep depression, Kenny went on a binge and vanished. His sister and mother found him in his back yard hanging from a tree by knotted clothesline and called me to come cut him loose.....this broke me mentally and emotionally for quite some time and began to give me feelings of hatred for the drug, though it took many years to finally part ways.
I continued to use for years at a slower pace, taking breaks in-between as deemed necessary....but always going back....
My 20's were spent doing a great deal of things that were positive, all the while masking my drug use and criminal enterprises. From recording music to operating my own successful businesses, I had felt like I was becoming better, despite the fact I was still using. From having the DEA hunt me down to the Task Force raids, there was truly never a dull moment. How did I drown it out or celebrate a victory? Take a wild guess. I finally after many, many years of addiction, loss and pain was finally able to permanently break this cycle for good and become sober. I had just had enough. It did not matter to me how many years my loved ones or people close to me begged me to stop, I was not ready. It was not until I had had enough where I had finally gotten clean and kept it that way. It was the hardest thing I have done in my life.....
So what am I getting at with this brief story of addiction?
What I am explaining to everyone is that I am no stranger to addiction, pain, depression and everything that comes with it. I left a great deal of detail out of my story, in hopes that I can use it in multiple articles to help those who fight the same battle that I do every single day, the struggle to remain in recovery. Outside of the Steemit platform I own and operate a Non Profit Organization by the name of RAADE (Recovering Addicts Against the Drug Epidemic). With my works I have saved countless lives, just as well as buried many a good hearted person trapped in their vice. My goal is to bring a recovery oriented initiative to the community and offer as many resources, as well as support, as possible to any of you who may be struggling with any form of addiction. By working hand in hand with my existing NPO, I honestly believe we as a community can provide the support some need to live a healthy lifestyle. Sometimes all an addict needs is compassion, you honestly never know. So it is with this post that I am announcing the opening of a recovery based initiative within the next week, headed by myself but here for the community. I will continue to shed more light on this as time goes, and if you are interested in hearing more parts of my life's story, follow the initiative when it begins. I am going to use detailed memoirs of my life as building blocks to possibly save another's. Anyone in support of this, please share it in the comment section.
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I think this is a great idea @terminallyill - if you can help even one person by telling your story I say go for it! The drug epidemic is huge. I think there's been about 8-9 deaths already this year in my area, like people I knew/know. It is crazy. I had my own issues when I was younger but got away from drugs at 18 when I got pregnant, thankfully. My son saved me though but I was lucky all of my friends who I hung around with ended up hooked on 80s in the early 2000's then when heroin hit our area it got way out of hand and almost everyone was doing dope.. I knew I had to get away from those people and that lifestyle.
So happy to hear you made it through hell and back, a few times! You give us all hope that you can get away and do great things like run a non-profit and help tons of people clean their lives up and find self respect again.
Huge fan of the song :)
@amariespeaks the goal is to definitely try to help anyone if possible, but they have to want it themselves in order for it to work out. Baltimore and DC are my old stomping grounds....Bmore is the heroin capital of the US if that sheds a little light on how bad Maryland is with dope. I'm glad to hear that you managed to get in the clear and away from everything. A great deal of people are not that lucky and end up in the grave or in a cell. I've buried more friends than I can count anymore. It's so bad, I'm almost emotionless to it anymore. At one point it would mess with my head and bother me, now it's just a regular thing to hear somebody died from an OD. Crazy stuff, but I honestly feel it is my duty to help if I can.
Thank you for your support with this and for being a fan :)
100% my only friend I've had since we were about 7.. so 23 years of friendship.. she is struggling so much in the last 5 years and currently is at the worst period I think. She just doesn't want it - I've tried so many different approaches to support her so she can stop punishing herself in that way but nothing is working.. she even had her 11yr old son taken from her about a month ago because her bf OD'd in her bathroom but he came back, this time, and she is right back running with him about to lose it all. Craziest fact is her last bf (for about 6 years I think she was with him) died from an OD almost 2 years ago. Drug addiction is truly soul crushing for everyone involved.. I'm SO happy to hear you're doing whatever is in your power to extend help and follow through with whoever is ready to change :-)
That's the shit that kills me right there....when you care about someone but they don't care about themselves anymore because the addiction has almost nearly hijacked their soul.....it is heartbreaking. You can lead a horse to water.......
I really appreciate your support with everything and honestly, if one single person listens to my story and advice or anything and it makes a difference, then this has been a success :)
I feel your pain. When I was growing up in a small town in middle America my parents always dealt with drugs which was why my dad ultimatly went to prison. I have been in meth labs, smuggled drugs from state to state. Just all kinds of bad shit. The diffrence is I never did much of anything as far as actually using, droped acid and did shrooms a couple times and poped a lot of pills but that was the extent for the most part. I was always in it for pure profit which is a rarity in the drug world. Lots of people accused me of being a cop or a snitch over the years because i didn't do drugs. Had guns pressed to my head, all the normal shit I guess. Both of my parents died before I was 25 so in a kind of fucked up way i guess maybe i wanted them to pull the trigger to end the bad shit i had boiling inside me. It never happened though. I guess what i am trying to say is I get it when you said all the people pleading for you to stop didn't matter. I was the same way. i may still be that way, but I am trying to change and make an effort to make the world a better place for my kids. I am glad you are better now and are helping others. It takes a lot of time and soul searching to patch up a ship with that many holes but it is possible. You understand the only way to fix a broken person is if they want to be fixed. No amount of tears and begging will make a broken person change their ways if they don't want to.
Thank you for not only supporting this but for sharing this with me @doomsdaychassis! I am sorry to hear about some of the things you have had to deal with, but remember, it builds character and defines who we are once we get where we are going. My mother was a bad influence on my life as well, so that is something I directly relate to. If you ever need insight, or just someone to reach out to, I am here and I am on Discord as LuckyDev#1969. Anything I can do, I got ya.
You are absolutely right about the last sentiments. You can only help a person who wants to help themselves. It took a great deal of trial and error as well as many heartaches to understand this, but it is a fact. Though it is a tough pill to swallow at times, anyone dealing with addiction directly or indirectly should know this.
I hope to talk more with you! Thank you again for your support and for everything shared!
On the good side it seems we both have our lives at least pointed in close to the right direction so we got that going for us. lol. I will be around here and there so i will tallk to you later. thanks for sharing, it is an expierence that most will never know. Like i alway say. What doesn't kill you , gives you a dark sense of humor and bad copeing mechanisms. lol . I might hit you up on discord, I am just getting started on there and getting use to its ins and outs.
Absolutely my friend! LOL I like that statement, I'll be sure to use that one. If you get on discord, definitely get in touch. By the way check out @greeterguild if you have a chance.
I will check it out for sure. Thanks. We are about ready to take the car to the track so i probably wont be back on the internet till tomorrow .
edit: it says the page doesn't exist
@greetersguild and here is our discord link
https://discord.gg/AkzNSKx
Father was also an alcoholic. Won't go into too much detail here (for now) but I'm a 110% for your project. Everything I do today - the reason I wake up at 4.00am to start working, is so someday I can help other people who've been served the shit in life.
Also, loved your rap - will be sharing with my friends.
Thank you for the support @idhyah! I cannot thank you enough to be honest. I applaud you for what you do!
Thanks for this honest article, @terminallyill.
I've been thinking about writing about the addiction I'm fighting myself (amfetamines it is), but didn't find the guts to do it yet.
Maybe someday, I'll be able to follow your brave example...
@simplymike I will tell you something that helped me more than anything else. When you wear your addiction and downfalls as a badge and not hide them in shame, you are able to overcome the internal battle you face a lot easier. The result will lead you down the road to recovery, if you allow it to. When I stopped caring about other people's opinions and focused on making myself a healthier person, fixing my wrongs and breaking the cycle, things became much easier. If you ever need to talk about it, do not hesitate to reach out. I have been through Hell and high water in my lifetime so you would have nobody better to confide in or seek advice from. If there is anything I can do to help you, I'm here.
We all have a vice of our own, whether it be drug abuse, alcohol abuse, eating disorders.....there are many things that fall in the form of addiction. Remember that the only person you have to wake up and please every single day is you because just about everyone else you deal with on a daily basis has their own vice and set of demons, whether they admit it or not. Their approval means nothing. Focus on making yourself happy and healthy!
That’s so true.
I got out of it once, and that was indeed the result of the fact that I stopped caring about other people and started caring about myself.
I’ve been going cold turkey after my back surgery, ‘cos I can’t go nowhere. And I actually feel a lot better, mentally. I just hope I will remember that when I’m fully recovered again.
Thanks for the support. I’ll know where to go when needed...
I'm happy to hear that you are doing good with it now, that is what matters. I'm here whenever you need me.
Thanks for that!
Thank you for sharing your story @terminallyill, Addiction is like a sealed boxing ring where one fighter comes out alive and the other does not. Addiction is a battle and i am happy and glad you pulled through and also setting up RAADE to help people suffering from it. I would gladly resteem so others battling with it or have some one battling with addiction can know that it is possible to overcome. I don't know why my pc is not opening the link to your song but i will definitely listen to it.
You are very welcome @gracefavour! One thing that you and my other friends on here will learn about me is that I embrace my downfalls ans struggles as a means to educate others and a foundation to build upon for myself. My struggles with addiction and the lifestyle that came along with it was one of my life's biggest failures, yet I learned more valuable lessons and wisdom than people triple my age, which made it all worth while. For a while I deeply regretted it and walked in shame, but I now embrace my downfalls and failures. As Thomas Edison once said and I quote " I did not fail, I merely found 10,000 ways of not doing it right".
RAADE thus far has been a success on the Mid-Atlantic region of the Eastern USA. I am not sure if I will be setting it up on Steemit or creating a new "sister" entity to go with RAADE, but either way, it will be a tremendous success. Just by delivering the message and educating one person, that in my eyes is a victory. May my example serve someone else well!
Thank you for your support and for everything you do! BTW, check your wallet, I sent you a little gift earlier :)
You are are really strong and inspiring, i really admire your courage. I am sure steemit needs RAADE also :), Yippeiyy Yippiey thank you so much for big gift, its not little..
You are very welcome @gracefavour, you have earned it for sure! Keep up the great work!
After reading your story and knowing the life of an addict, I can honestly say the hope you aspire to give must not focus on where we come from as addicts but where we can go. The good we can do. The lives we can create as long as sobriety or staying clean is the main focus. You have done good things for others and know the benefits of living and giving our hope through peace and kindness and most of all love for our fellow human beings. Yes, some will take advantage because they are addicts, but many will learn to follow suit because giving is far more rewarding than taking.
Be well, and know you have support out here too. 🐓🐓
@mother2chicks I cannot explain to you how much it means to me to have your support, for this I am incredibly grateful and I sincerely thank you! I hope that through my leadership and example that I can inspire others to become the best possible human being that they can become. I will definitely keep you updated on my progress with this initiative and any other articles that I write regarding recovery.
If I may ask, if you come across someone struggling or looking to share their story, please send them my way. I hope to have other like minded folks join me in this initiative and inspire them to do things such as I have. Thank you again for everything!!!
Dear @terminallyill, what a lovely response. Please know I am out here always glad to help when possible. I wish you much success with the good you are providing for others. No magic formula works for everyone, we just do the best we can with the tools we are given. I do hope you will let me know how and what you are doing, I would like to stay in touch. Your friend .🐓🐓
What a wonderful thing for you to do Devon. To share your story in hopes of helping another is a beautiful thing. I know it can be very hard to reach back in and pull at those feelings and hardships you faced so long ago but in doing so know youre helping many people. As hard as those times were, it made you who you are today! I wish you all the best, and Ill continue to support you in heart and in resteems. Cant wait to read more! <3
I'm so glad that you decided to clean up for you. No one else. I know others' are affected by your behaviour (been there), but I also know that you were the one that had to decide what needed to be done, and you did it. I hope you are unbelievably proud of your accomplishments, and that includes the initiative that you are starting here. When I'm out searching for people who need a little help or welcoming, I will now have an eye open for anyone who could benefit from your initiative or anyone who could help you with it. Include me in there as well! This goes far beyond steemit help, and I'm not saying it's more valuable or anything like that, but I am saying it could possible save someone's life. So yeah, I guess that pretty damn valuable ;)
Congratulations again for grabbing yourself by the collar, straightening out, and turning to help others. Most great addiction counsellors are prior addicts and simply know what they speak of. Nice job buddy...for all of it <3
I think you are brave to tell your life's story to the world. To use that and turn it towards helping others makes you an exceptional and wonderful human being. The lives you saved and the ones you will save by doing what you do and with the discord channel is a really selfless act, I don't know how to put it into to words for the amount of good you are doing. Not only are you helping the person in need, it also spreads to the family and friends that love the people you help. Your touch spreads far. Much love and respect to you!
I cannot thank you enough for your support with not just my personal struggles but also with the initiative that I have started in hopes of helping others overcome their fears and doubts to begin the process of healing :) Break The Cycle needs the support of you @foxyspirit as well as many others, and we are happy to be able to help everybody in any way possible :)
I will try my best. Looking forward to the next time. I will have more time to devote to everyone more on Sunday I think. My kids birthdays this weekend and I am busy lately working on their tall orders for cakes :p
Well, we will be here when you make your way back :) Hope the weekend goes great for you and yours!