Powerful words to finally say. The feeling is to surreal to ever express through keystrokes. The clarity of sobriety brings the realization of just how sick I was. To finally know those dark thoughts are not inherit to the human condition, but a parasite that can be expelled. Anxiety, and depression only exist within me. They are not external threats. It's my mind, it's my body, It's my consciousness. I'm driving this train, not some demon in a syringe.
It's weird to meet yourself for the first time at 27. Exploring my thoughts, discovering my hobbies, and establishing morals. I don't know how else to describe it. I started abusing drugs at 16, when I should have been finding myself and my place in the world. When hormones are raging, and emotions are high. I never gave my brain the chance to wire up right or something. My mind functioning at full capacity was overwhelming at first, but now I'm finally discovering what I'm capable of. Finally learning how to deal with loss, and stress without sailing to shore at the first sight of rough waters. It still feels weird to wake up without ache's, pain, and nausea. A year and a half ago I believed this impossible. It's not what I imagined. I'm not what I imagined, but I'm happier than I've ever been.
Do you want me to tell you how I became an addict? Do you want to hear my sob story? Because I've got a good one and I could use some sympathy steem. I'm sure a tearjerker about a traumatic childhood would score some whale upvotes. let me be frank, we all have a sob story, and I say that with all the compassion and empathy possible. I'm not gonna carry around my past as a burden in my future. I threw that bag of rocks to the side of the road miles ago. I couldn't process it as a child, but I can move past it now.
Do you want to know how I got sober? It wasn't just rehab, therapy, and abstinence. I found a purpose. As a child, I was heartbroken by the things I saw in my home, and the hardships I saw my mother and family endure. I grew older and more curious about the world, it's constructs, and power structures, I was devastated by the truth. Realizing the extent of preventable suffering throughout the world was more than I could process. For years I felt helpless in the fight for my family, and the fight for a more prosperous, free world. It seemed everywhere I looked there was pain and suffering. War, addiction, corruption, and oppression. I saw everything through a lens of pessimism, and my brain associated everything with trauma's of my past. I desperately searched for some idea, something that would spark a revolution empowering the masses to overthrow their corrupt leaders, and embrace freedom. This is what the movies taught me would spark change, so this was the only path I saw. This is a cancerous mindset. To think the only way you can ever see positive changes in the world, is to wait until everyone else agrees with you and will take up arms beside you. It's a convenient way to pass the blame down the line, and never make an impact.
One day a friend also in recovery said a quote that kept me thinking for weeks. I can't remember the exact words, or who he attributed it to, but Jordan Peterson has a similar quote. If you can't clean up your room, who the hell are you to give advice to anyone?" What do I know about making the world a better place when my life is in shambles? How could I possibly be an asset to my family, or any movement when I can't even be an asset myself? Wallowing in depression and self pity accomplishes nothing. Maybe this movement isn't about changing the collective, but about changing the individual, creating independent, self-reliant humans that don't look to our corrupted leaders to solve the issues facing our society. Maybe I can have more influence in the world through example, by becoming the most intelligent, successful, compassionate, person I can possibly be. Maybe I could have a bigger impact by starting a family, and teaching my children the lessons I didn't receive. Showing them the beauty of existence before they're exposed and traumatized by the realities of being mortal human beings. I'm not married, and I don't have children yet, but I do have a family and many nieces and nephews I can teach. I'm in a career I love, that helps sick people, and has high income potential. I work everyday on increasing my intellectual capital, and creating wealth for myself and my family. I have found the direction, and purpose in life that finally brings peace, and that is to build up the next generations. What are we fighting for anyways? Ourselves? No, it's always been about the kids. We're looking towards politicians, the media, and the rest of the world for change, when we should be looking at ourselves, and our children.
My one year sobriety date was July 6th, just a few weeks before I made my steemit account. I promised my early followers that I would write more about addiction and my recovery, but i was naive in thinking I could make such an emotional journey public, or that i should be giving advice to anyone with my life in ruins. Here I am now, with a small celebration forever on the blockchain.
Love you guys