NSFW - The Dark Side of the Moon

NSFW - Not Safe for Work

I have started this post three if not four times. Each time I did not feel like it was my best writing. I have tried to write a blog in the past. My inspiration was my bipolar. I think I made two posts and after that I just quit doing it because it felt more like a chore and less like a creative outlet. So much has happened to me between then and now… I have also recently learned that I have so much to say.

Since I wrote that top part, I had yet to post anything. I finally posted several things and decided that I still wanted to post this entry. Many of my entries are backdated blogs that I have written, that I wish to share. Here it goes:

It started in April with a dream… I dreamt that I got high again on what they like to call on the streets, water… there are many names attached to this drug, in which I will get into in another post… I had been clean since November and doing really well. I had been seeing a therapist again and one that could prescribe me medications for my bipolar. We had worked out a pretty decent regiment that was working, 1mg prazosin for my high blood pressure and 250 mg depakote for the bipolar, which both are considered low doses. I have found that I am very sensitive to medications in general. One thing that my therapist and I discussed was the possibility of me having ADHD. The thought had never crossed my mind before, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. My thoughts are always racing and speeding a mile a minute and are always shifting from one thing to the next. Often, I will be talking so fast, that I don’t always get out the complete thought and I just assume others know what I am talking about. Which isn’t so bad when talking in general, but when giving directions to people you supervise, it can be a bit problematic and can cause frustration on both sides. I have noticed too that I am unable to finish a book because I cannot focus on it and I have a hard time finishing things in general as well as getting things started. I am highly disorganized and scattered. I even mentioned this to one of my people I supervise and she was like, “Oh, yeah… you are super ADHD…” I was thinking about the usual cases you hear about in school about students that have ADHD and needed medication and they were all very hyperactive and couldn’t sit still. I tend to be more lazy and somewhat depressed during my downswings of the bipolar, but very hypomanic when I am in the upswing of my bipolar. I must have been in a somewhat of a downswing because I didn’t feel physically hyper, but I did feel very scattered and unable to focus properly. My therapist and I had discussed my previous drug addiction and she asked me one day, my drug of choice… and when I said water, she said, she thought so and it made perfect sense with the ADHD, because she asked me how did it make me feel. I told her it helped me be super focused and I was able to get a lot of stuff done and I actually had enough energy to do things for once. I was on top of the world, kickin ass and taking names while doing it. I was a regular badass, lol. At least that is how I felt at first, when the drug was new and fresh in my system and I had enough to eat and sleep beforehand. Of course, no matter how much you think you can control the drug, you cannot, and it will soon spiral out of control before you knew it. She said that typically ADHD medication is supposed to do the same thing with less harmful repercussions. We had talked about it previously, but never really addressed it because her philosophy was to treat the bipolar first and then the ADHD. It seemed like we had the bipolar under control, so when I came in to discuss how scattered I still was, we then discussed the ADHD more in depth and even decided to try a medication. We started me on a very low dose of Vyvanse, which is like the new ADHD wonder drug since Adderall and Ritalin. She was hesitant to prescribe it to me because of my previous drug addiction and she said that Vyvanse was highly addictive, but could also cause an individual to relapse as well. I reassured her that I tried it one day and I really liked how it made me feel. I felt focused and able to get things done for once. Then, I skipped a day, because I was planning on laying in bed and watching Netflix with my boyfriend all day and I didn’t want to be getting things done… lol… and then I took it for the next two days, which included a Monday, the day I went back to work. All day I felt very anxious and I had noticed that my insomnia had returned a couple days before which I attributed to a side effect of the Vyvanse.

Once an addict, always an addict...

Since this blog has been written, I have been clean and have something to motivate me to continue being clean. I am seeing my therapist regularly, which I have learned that keeping appointments with her is just as important as remembering to take your medication. If you miss one, it is likely that you will discontinue seeing your therapist for various reasons. Also, we have begun a wellness plan, which is what I prefer to call it instead of a treatment plan. I am on new medication, 40 mg of Latuda. This is very expensive because it is newer and a generic drug has not been made yet, but it is worth it, because I have started to sleep again, albeit, not the best sleep yet, but better than nothing. I have started a routine where I wake up in the morning and have my cigarette (which I am going to quit, but am not at that point yet, one step at a time, right?). I take a short walk to the coffee shop and get a caramel macchiato (when I am not broke, lol). I then drink my coffee and have another cigarette in the park. I am supposed to eventually take a walk in the park and I am happy to say that I did that today! I took my dog and the foster dog for a walk. I got an emotional support pup for me and she is perfect and everything that I was looking for in a dog. Night time is still hard for me because of the PTSD, which I just currently learned that I have, apparently, but am working on strategies to help me cope with the fear at night time. As you can see, I have started writing again as an outlet for the things I cannot express verbally yet or have expressed and still need to get out of me. I have decided to use this blog as an anonymou blog, so that I may be able to write freely the things I am going through or have gone through without any judgement. I am very honest with people and have very little to hide, but that does not mean that I am openly running around sharing my faults with everyone. I have shared this blog with two people who know me. I hope that if they read this that they realize what that means for me to share something so personal with them and how important they have become to me in such a short period. I have decided to format my blog a certain way, but am not bound to continue as such if things do change. First, I want to be able to post entries about my personal life. The next post can be something I’ve created such as a video, a website link, or a music video that moves me. The third post for that day will be part of a story that I am writing as well as the post after that for a different story that I am writing that is actually going to be part of a trilogy that I want to write. These stories are very dear to my heart and I wish to be able to finish them. So instead of being daunted by the task of writing two novels, I will break them down into blog entries. The theory is that eventually I will have enough material to publish a book. It would be my dream to be able to write full time while leaving near the beach, maybe in Florida where I can swim with my water spirit animal, the manatee… ;-) Things are looking up!

~ Peace, Love, and Unity