Day 1 - The Restart - Time to Break this Porn Addiction

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Hello Steemit

Today marks the first day of my reboot from porn addiction. It's also my first day posting in Steemit. I might do a formal introduction post in the near future, but for today I just need to get this out there.

This journey did not in fact start today, but has been in the making for several years. I first stumbled upon the website called yourbrainonporn.com in 2013 and was blown away by the amount of research and experience by other addicts that have gone into rebooting. Up until that time I always thought that it was sort of normal, but I soon learned that addiction to pornography was a devastating curse that rendered men completely useless. The brain fog, the depression, the failed relationships, the lack of energy and lack of interest in anything wasn't normal, and it was all due to a severe dependency on pornography.

During the ensuing months I tried rebooting many times with various amounts of success, but it wasn't until late 2013 that I managed to be sober for 107 straight days. Those 107 days were the best of my entire adult life, by far. The initial abstention of 20 days or so were really tough, but after that it became a breeze. My mind awakened, my brain was rewiring itself and I learned to love life again. Suddenly, I had an intense energy that demanded physical exercise and a renewed zest for life that spawned new friendships all on its own. I could look women square in the eye and flirt with them; something I would almost never do before since I was too preoccupied with what people might think. Yeah, RETARDED.

My reboot went so well during that time that I got involved with a new girl. She was quite a bit younger than me and very, very attractive. She had a great personality and a very sexy body, and things were progressing well. Since I had turned off the computer and basically forgot about porn, I could get turned on by just holding her hand. That in itself is a miracle. Pornography addiction takes that away from you - it steals the joy of life from you, and it robs you of those little pleasures. Being turned on by a woman should come natural to any man, but when you're addicted to porn it's hard to be turned on even when you're making out with a gorgeous woman that's totally in to you.

Unfortunately things didn't work out between us, and she dumped me a few weeks into the relationship. Naturally I was devastated because I was quite attracted to her and I had just found this new life. The break-up caused me to go back to what I knew best, and what was a form of self-medication for me - pornography. After having failed after 107 days I felt quite disappointed with myself which caused me to self-medicate even more. It was a downward spiral. And that brings me to today: four entire years later. Life has been dragging on the usual way and it's killing me slowly - I can't do this anymore. I wrote this back in 2015 - two years ago:

102 days of constant failure. Demons. Torment. Life changes in the midst of an ocean of loneliness. The world outside my window has never been so bleak and void of purpose, so I stay inside where I'm safe from challenges that cause me to grow. A life wasted drowns in a lake of sorrow and regrets. Relationships lost in years gone by. A wife that never said 'I do', children that never were born. Depression and misery are my friends, hope and fulfillment my enemies. The sun shines brightly, but I feel cold. Above it all, the Almighty looks down on every secret yet remains silent. Where will my help come from?

Yes. That is my life. All due to pornography.

Life isn't all bad for me. I have a great career that pays me very well, but there is no fulfillment in my life. I crave that now. I yearn for purpose, for meaningful relationships, good friends and good times. It's time to reboot again.

Whether you are interested in my story or not matters not to me. I just need to journal and get my thoughts organized to help with the reboot. If there are any other addicts out there, please feel free to comment with any advice - I can really use it now.

Next time I will share more of my story.

Thank you Steemit.