It brings me no pleasure to write this essay except some peace knowing it may help someone. I broached a similar issue last year in this essay How to Detect and Deflect Gaslighting from a Narcissist.

In the case of emotional blackmail it sometimes can leave your head spinning because it happens most often in the family system and close friendships. In the course of natural relationship dynamics the person employing emotional blackmail very often does not even realize they are doing it. They use the relationship as a basis to guilt trip you and make you feel obligated and fearful so you will to succumb to their demands for attention or whatever it is they happen to be wanting from you or for you to do. They recognize others pain mostly as a reflection of their own and will use your pain against you.

Welcome to Me

Completely coincidentally, after I decided to write this essay, a distant cousin recommended to me that I watch the movie starring Kristen Wiig, Welcome to Me. I had just been on the receiving end of emotional blackmail so when I found out the movie was about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) which I had just been reading about to prepare to write this I was floored. Welcome to Me is about a woman who suffers from BPD. It’s funny at times, very creative…Kristen Wiig is brilliant, in my opinion. It’s also heartbreaking. She plays Alice Klieg who is disabled by BPD, living on disability and has an obsession with Oprah. She cries a lot. She’s completely self-absorbed. She plays the California lottery religiously and she wins…then she stops taking her meds, quits her therapist and buys herself a talk show that is produced on local television.

Throughout the movie, she employs emotional blackmail over and over again along with some other borderline behaviors. They illustrate it pretty straightforward. She perceives some kind of slight of injustice…whether it’s happened in reality is another story, sometimes it has sometimes not really…she points it out, starts yelling and screaming, crying and much of the times engages in revenge. It’s painful to watch and it’s painful for everyone watching her show but she can’t stop. Like most people that suffer from BPD and this behavior she doesn’t even start to get it until she hits bottom and loses some important things and people in the process. I highly recommend renting and watching it if you think you are or have been a victim of this behavior, it will clear up a lot for you.

It Leaves You in a FOG

The term FOG was coined by a psychotherapist named Susan Forward and not only do you feel like you are in a fog if you are in a controlling relationship with someone who is trying to emotional blackmail you it also stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt as previously mentioned. It works because humans have needs for love, approval and connection and the emotional blackmailer plays on these needs. Often times, though, they are actually trying to get their own needs for safety, security and love met – but in this roundabout way that causes a lot or hurt and confusion. Whatever the reason it is prudent to always know you have the right to exercise skepticism at any stage of any relationship. Some people use their own virtues of honestly and righteousness concerning issues that you are agree with then turn on you when are they start manipulating you. So here is a list of how to protect yourself whether it’s happening now or it happens in the future.

1. Trust your own feelings. If you feel taken advantage of, you give more in a relationship than the other person or someone is asking you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable you have the right to check in with someone else – a trusted friend or a professional counselor or therapist.
2. Set personal boundaries. Write them down, share them with a trusted person but commit them to memory somehow and commit to them. Once you have done this you must be loyal to them and not waver.
3. If you perceive that someone is possibly trying to emotionally blackmail you in this way respond in a calm, transparent way like, “What exactly are you trying to get from me right now? Please be clear.”
4. An extreme response that I came up with, but sometimes necessary in my opinion, is to turn the tables on them. Rather them threatening to withhold something from you – state you will withhold the thing they want most of all – your attention – unless they take clear steps and stop the behavior.
5. Never blame yourself. It is never your fault when you are the victim.

I recently found it necessary to set this extreme boundary with someone, through a professional, that I love them but I will not subject myself to emotional abuse and that I will only agree to speak with them again if they get stabilized with therapy and medication. And I mean it.

I hope this gives you some insight and tools if you are currently experiencing this or you ever run into this in the future. From my research I learned that this is quite common in close relationships in families and friends and while that makes me kind of sad I am now armed with knowledge because, unfortunately, it is a fact of some of our lives.

What do you think?

@soulsistashakti is a musical artist and writer based in NYC. You can check out my music on my FB artist page at https://www.facebook.com/soulsistashakti